I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time
I'm sorry that this is that path you find yourself on. And you've probably heard it before, but it will get better with time. Working on you means working through what you've done, not just to your BW and your kids, but what you've done to you.
I have a theory regarding the feelings you describe from the time you wake up until you fall asleep again. That theory is that there is something in those feelings that is comfortable to you. I remember those feelings to some degree. It isn't that you "enjoy" the feelings, just that they are what you know, or they hit on something that takes you to another time emotionally that you may not recognize. I think that you have to get to the bottom of that before you can really begin to accept what is happening in your life right now.
What do you do in IC?
Admin - I forgot to uncheck the STOP button....looking for advice from anyone. Can you fix that please? Thanks.
It's too bad those contemplating straying can't be forced to read your words first. I think a lot of them would think twice if they did.
And reading your words those of us who are being given the gift of reconciliation can remind ourselves just how lucky we are, and the responsibility we have, to be authentic and true. To hold dear and tight the love and trust we are handed by those we hurt the most.
Is there anything else you can think of regarding your reconciliation attempts that you haven't tried? Sort of making sure you've "left it all on the field".
Sorry for your pain. Chin up, though I'm sure that is much easier said than done. Your words do help others.
If I could tell my story to anybody that even thinks about straying I would. The single most horrible thing I've ever done. I have hurt my wife beyond belief. It's been over a year and she still feels the pain. It kills me to know I did this. My kids will be ok but I know they wish things were different. My wife, kids, family, friends, job, everything and everyone gets affected. One thing I will say is that no matter who I'm ever with I will never put anyone through this. Never.
As for leaving it on the field I've tried evrything I can think of except accepting this outcome. When this 1st happened last year we got back together too quickly. She never had time to heal. So the last 10 months she's become bitter and angry and now wants closure. I agree that we should be separated. But I was hoping for a trial separation. I was hoping that we would be separated and at the same time figure out how she can handle the anger and what I did to her. She says she can't get past those 3 months regardless of how great our life was and what it could be. No matter how far I've become as a person. It all doesn't matter. It's her choice now and this is where she's at.
I've been on the internet all morning looking up info on how to cope hoping to find something I haven't learned yet. My days are just so long and sad. I hate waking up and I hate going to bed.
For those that have the gift of reconcilliation-cherish it. Cherish every single second. Bc it could all be over just like that. If Kate evr gave me the opportunity to be hers again or to even try she would not be dissappointed. I guarantee it. She would be loved, respected, cherished, appreciated and taken care of like she deserves. I know I can give her everything if she wants it to happen. I just don't think she wants that anymore. A sad ending to what was a beautiful life.
This is the reality, some BS's cannot stay in a marriage with someone that betrayed them. It's not that something is 'wrong' with them, it's actually a more rational approach when you think about it....
Thant being said, are you just giving up and giving in to your own confusion about all of this?
Allowing yourself to become a victim of your own endless self pity?
That's what it sounds like to me....
Have you read any books about marital recovery from infidelity?
The one that helped me the most was; Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.
I followed it up with his other books, of which my favorite was, Fall In Love, Stay In Love.
Take the time to start reading and investing in making the changes in yourself, as outlined in books like these. Otherwise, you're going to spiral down even farther.
I'm here to tell you that moping around, allowing confusion & depression to take you over is very un-attractive. Take the steps necessary to be the man your wife and children need you to be.
It sounds like you've dug up enough of the old bones buried in your past. Maybe it's time to focus on looking ahead with a fresh vision.
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
Believe me if I could just walk away and start working on me I would. It's not like I don't want it to happen. It's not like I enjoy feeling this way. I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now and reaching out for anything that might help. Your suggestion on the books is a good idea. After the A I read a book called After The Affair. In fact my wife bought a copy as well. I learned a lot from it. Your advise to read more is a good one.
I'm not looking for any magic words here. I'm just having a difficult time with knowing I will probably never have a relationship with Kate again and will never have our family together again. I'm doing the best I can.
I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now and reaching out for anything that might help.
Then take some heart in responses from those who have gone before you. You will make it. You have to work through it. But you also have to be ready to work through it. Sometimes it takes a while to even be ready to begin working on it. Take your time if you need.
I'm sorry you're in the place you are. Even though my BS and I are attempting R, I am well aware of the fact that it could change at any given moment. It sucks. and I feel for you. I really do. Its obvious you are in tremendous pain.
What Card said...
Take the steps necessary to be the man your wife and children need you to be.
Maybe this is what your wife needs to see. Perhaps she still sees you only as the guy who cheated on her and stomped on her heart. Maybe she doesn't see you any differently. And maybe its because you aren't any different. From some of your past posts, it seems you keep reacting in a similar way to things that gets her upset. So she sees you as the same old Kroma.
Become who you want to be. Decide right now the man you ought to be, and move towards that. Because this, what you are doing right now, its doing you no good. Its actually doing you alot more harm, and in the mean time doing more damage to what's left of your relationship. I know you hurt. It's probably more hurt than you have ever felt in your entire life. But alway always always remember that she has been hurt more than she has been in her entire life.
Change to be the man you were meant to be. The man to keep her safe. Show her that man each and every day through your actions. Make her your driving force to change. At the end of the day, it may or may not matter to her. But you'll be better a better man. And that's all any of us can hope for.
I'm moving into a better place for myself and for my kids. It's closer to the house. Bigger than my apartment. I'm hoping I will feel better by just having a better place to hang out with my kids. Kate has seen me change over the course of the year. In fact it's not the change but why the change. You're 100% right that her hurt is worse. I can never imagine what she went through. And I'm sure she's going through a lot at this very moment. She definately wants me to be happy and take care of myself. To have a better place for the kids to go. Although she is a driving force for me to be a better person I know I need to do this for me. I also know I need to let her go for her. I just hope she comes back.
All you can do from here on is move forward and be the best man you can be. Be the best father you can be. And if given the opportunity, be the best husband to Kate that you can be. Words are nice, but your actions will tell the true story about what's in your heart.
Best wishes, I hope it works out for the best.
Interesting you say that about the dealbreaker. Kate is right when she says our marriage is over. She took her ring off a long time ago and last week she asked me to take mine off. Bc it doesn't mean anything to her. Through this whole experience I have often said that if given a chance to R it would be a fresh start. New marriage. New rings. New vows. New everything. A fresh start on the second half of our life. Problem is that's an opinion of one. One thing I can tell you through this whole mess is that my relationship with my kids have gotten so much better.
That's a positive. Thanks for the advice.
Best advice I can give (and this may sound trivial), is exercise.
I don't know if you run, or jog, or work out, or whatever, but your mind needs a break, and on my darkest days, exercise was what helped. And not just a little bit, but exercise until you can't do it anymore, until you are exhausted past exhaustion. At some point during that exercising (a long run, lets say), your brain will shut down. It's a natural response, a focusing of energy, if you will. Your brain will stop with the thoughts and the turmoil and it will focus everything it has on putting one foot in front of the other, or lifting that next weight, or climbing that next stair.
And then, when it is done, you'll get that little natural endorphin release and maybe, just maybe, you'll feel normal for a few minutes.
I know it's not much, but it's what I got. There are no magic pills or special tricks to this stuff. If your mind won't stop, if the depression and whatever is getting the best of you, if you're having trouble sleeping, exercise.
And like I said... not just mild exercise... do it until you can't do it anymore. It helps. It really helps.
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
I think what you are feeling makes perfect sense. Because when we actually have to face the consequences of our actions, it IS incredibly painful. Knowing that we have hurt our partners, children, family and friends with our selfishness, not to mention ourselves, is a sober lesson.
I wouldn't rush past the lowness you feel now. Because that is where you are at, and you are finally really feeling the true extent of your loss. And the loss is devastating. Feeling all this is what is going to change you. You will get through this, and eventually you will start to like yourself again.
Unfortunately, and as hard as it is, feeling the agony of your actions, the pain of loss, is the only way to getting into a healthier place. There is no going around it - only through.
Weathering The Storm
Batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. Anchor yourself and stop rocking the leaky boat.
First thing first. You blew up your marriage ship. It is dead in the water and it is your fault as the wayward spouse (WS). There is a life boat. You and your spouse escape the sinking ship in the life boat. Now, there is a storm of the century barreling down on your little life boat and you need to hang on.
1. There is no room in the life boat for the affair partner (AP). NONE, NO ROOM AT ALL. If you keep them in the life boat with you it is going to sink. If you throw them overboard and keep trying to pull them back in or they keep hanging on the side YOUR BOAT IS GOING TO SINK! The only way to get them out of your life boat is to tell your spouse everything, EVERYTHING. Timelines-to-toenails. Once that is all out in the open all of the extra weight in the boat is gone and you have a chance to survive.
2.Your betrayed spouse(BS) is busy. Your BS is bailing water like mad, trying to keep themselves from drowning in the bottom of the life boat that you have them trapped in. They canít stop bailing during this storm to soothe you, to comfort you, to make sure you are okay. Suck it up, man up, and help bail. They are in the boat with you, as long as they are in the boat with you then you have a chance. You have the chance to save your spouse and yourself. DONíT WASTE IT.
3.Your spouse is exhausted. The Storm drops down to a steady rainfall. You are in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. You are both still in the boat. When your spouse canít bail anymore itís up to you to save you both, so start cleaning out the bottom of the boat. It will feel like you can't ever find the bottom, that the water just keeps rising. KEEP BAILING! Even if your spouse is passed out. YOU HAVE TO KEEP BAILING TO SAVE YOUR LIVES! This life boat is the only chance you are going to get to save your marriage, itís small, rickety, and leaking. Despite all of itís flaws this life boat is all that is saving you and your spouse.
4. Getting ready to work. The storm has passed, the skies are still overcast, itís cold, windy and miserable and you are still stuck in the middle of a turbulent sea with a spouse that doesnít trust you in a leaky, crappy little boat. You canít make your spouse trust you. All you can do is COMMIT to saving yourself and your spouse.
5. Prepare yourself first. Get it clear in your mind that you are in it for the long haul and reassure your spouse that you are not going to leave them alone in the life boat. EVER! You are going to stay in that life boat until your spouse throws you overboard. Tell them that over and over again. Let them know you are working your ass off to keep them safe. Your spouse canít help you. They are exhausted, wounded from the blast, battered by the storm. Asking them to help you would be like asking a Prisoner of War to fight for the country that captured them. It is just wrong. You need to gather yourself together. Rinse off the dirt and grime, find anything useful floating in the water that might help you fix the life boat.
6.Repairing the life boat. You need to find all the tools and material to fix the life boat. You may have to dive to the bottom of the ocean and salvage an old ship wreck. You may have to paddle your life boat around to find flotsam and jetsam to use. Start at the bottom. These tools consists of Councelling, Books, Self healing resources, etcÖ Use the tools and materials that are at your disposal to clear out all of the murky water and start repairing the floor of the life boat.
7. There is mud, muck, seaweed and dead fish in your boat.
****The dead fish have to go first. They are thoughts of the other person (OP). Why the hell are you missing them? If you miss them so much get a divorce. That is the bottom line. If you leave the dead fish in the boat, all that you are going to get is a life boat that stinks of death, decay and rotten fish. They were a anatomically correct life-sized blow up doll and they used you in the same way. Put them where they belong. Out of your thoughts.
****The seaweed is next. This in the idea that somehow your spouseís behavior before the affair added to the reasons that you had an affair. Yep, you heard me. The affair is 100% your fault. Is 50% part of the overall marital problems theirs? Nope. If your thinking was messed up and led to you have an Affair, it was and is probably messed up thinking about the dynamic of your marriage. You can become tangled in marital history and lose sight of what you are fighting for, and lose your commitment to saving your marriage.
Iím not talking about rewriting the marriage history to justify an Affair. Iím talking about subconscious blame shifting onto the normal problems that a marriage faces. Like when your wife didnít pay attention to you because she was too busy raising your kids.
Hope this is helpful. I will be praying for you.