We were having a discussion about how amazing things have been with us and I mentioned something about no more hurts or anything between us.. Then he said "ok.. I need to tell you something I didn't think was a big deal at the time but..." Shit. It turns out he had been going to her social networking profiles almost daily from beginning of what i thought was NC to almost a year after broken NC
he said it was because he wanted to know she was ok and that he had still lurved her and missed her during that time. So he wasn't fully NC (mentally NC) mid-late 09 he doesn't remember dates though. He says better late than never in confessing and he felt like he didn't want to hold anything back anymore but I don't feel like giving him any freaking kudos! It was an admission that should have come out years ago!! He knows all about not TT'ing! We went through this back during Dday2 when he broke NC by email!!
Now it's not so much that he kept breaking mental NC that's hurting me because it was long ago! (though I could still be in shock of it all) but right now what hurts is that he waited so many years to tell me! Why now?! We had been awesome, we now have 3 beautiful kids, I was finally happy and now... I don't know... dammit! Why now?!!!
I wish he had just told me everything when it happened not after we slowly picked up the pieces of our life and felt almost full happiness. He is telling me he should have told me long ago but felt at the time he would have sent me over the edge and divorced him and since it was a "small" detail it would be better not to say anything. He is at least acting remorseful but I feel like I don't know anything right now
I guess we have more work to do than I thought
We are almost 6 years out and I have a different take on this. Sometimes I feel I never received the whole story. I would welcome more news, even bad news, if it helped put some of these nagging doubts to rest.
Make sure you let him know how important the truth is to you. I know it will be tough, but don't give him too hard a time about finally coming clean on this new disclosure. If there is any more to disclose, you want him to feel safe to come to you.
I do understand what you are saying. Why is it so hard for a WS to just come clean in the first place? TT feels like slow and painful torture.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:31 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
but felt at the time he would have sent me over the edge and divorced him and since it was a "small" detail it would be better not to say anything.
He does NOT get to choose that. This is something he needs to work on, seriously work on for you to be safe with him.
You have had two more children with this person based on one reality and now you find that those HUGE life choices were based on a lie. BTDT. Not good.
I am living with consequences of choices I made during our M when he was lying to me and I thought I was making informed decisions and then find out I was not and now I have to live with them forever.
no lie is ever SMALL. He manipulated you, plain and simple to keep you in the M, you had your choice taken away. he needs to see the utter seriousness of this imo.
and now I have to live with them forever.
Each day we make a choice to stay or leave. You can choose to leave the marriage today if you wish. It's important to remember you always have choices; otherwise you begin to feel trapped.
This is not what I was referring to. There are some choices that we cannot take back or change and leaving the M will not "fix" them. Perhaps I choose to have sex with my H believing he was monogamous so I would be safe from STD, now I may have one that I deal with forever or possibly one that will end my life. That choice was based on a lie, had I known the truth I could have chosen differently, but not NOW. The choices you speak of are irrelevant to what I was speaking of.
Yes we can all leave our M at any time, true, but that does not mean we are not "trapped" in other areas, some of us are, due to lies and choices we could not make fully informed by the one person who was supposed to be there for us to support us as we support them through this life.
but he did feel safe enough to tell you now
it should not surprise you that he visited her social media page
Seriously? There is a clear expectation that I'm not visiting AP's social media pages. Ever. Looking at his FB may not be *as bad* as emailing him, but I would expect my BH to be surprised if I were looking for/at AP in any way, shape or form. That is a big boundary violation, IMO.
Five years out from dday...and she should feel good that he felt safe enough to tell her?
She should be thankful that he lied to her for an entire year..no scratch that..he has lied for the last FIVE years..but finally came forward NOW with this information?
While OP was in agony and trying her best to R with this man..he lied to her..he made her think he wasn't in lurrrve with the OW..that he was making her and the marriage a priority..and FIVE years later she finds out it was a lie.
Had he "gotten it" years ago...like OP thought he had...then he never would have allowed this lie to continue for FIVE years. That he hid this from her for so long, for selfish reasons..he didn't want her to have all the information about his behavior,otherwise she might have left him..so he kept quiet to protect himself...that he has been lying to her every day for the last 5 years...this is not a small slip.
That he was able to lie to you for the last 5 years,OP, tells me he learned very little after your last dday. Any work he did on himself wasn't enough.
I would consider this a huge betrayal. And a huge problem.
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:27 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
This doesn't mean I'm no longer hurt over the fact that he chose to keep that from me, of course not! I'm human, I feel and need to process it. But I'm not going to let it set back All of the work we have made. It certainly makes me question a lot of it and why shouldn't it?! But I feel in my heart that not all of this had been lies and all for nothing. He hasn't slept with anyone else since then, he is mindful of interactions with the opposite sex and is forthcoming about whether or not he's looked at porn (as far as I know). We have definitely made progress. But he is going to revisit the whys and how's and do more soul searching as he feels he would be further along had he been honest. I do feel in a way that it confirmed a suspicion I had back then, would it had changed my decision to stay? I don't think so because it doesn't change it now.
I still hate the fact that he was still holding onto her mentally for so long and that there are possibly other things he lied about or hid from me but that will soon hopefully all be out.
I know my feelings will probably be up and down as I process this and anymore info that comes out. Ok that's enough rambling for now..
[This message edited by HiSwIfEy03 at 5:26 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]