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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Ive just Updated my profile
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im trying to think on the lines of what Chicho said ...

What completely feels like a setback is really a giant leap forward. Crazy right?

And im thinking, that even tho he kept this from me. It isn't 'new' ... its just new to me!

All the last year he has been 100% mine, no phone calls to her, no logging on to cybersex anyone.

he has been my husband, a wonderful father to our beautiful adopted children. We have been a family, and altho im hurting like hell right now ...

But I know it/he wasn't a lie!!

his parents also know about it now. I rung them on Monday evening to come and get him as he wouldn't leave the house. I told his dad what he had done with women on the webcam, that he purchased a phone etc. His parents have him on a pedestal, he isn't there anymore ...

Ive told him he has to man up to his mistakes, and that encludes being honest with his family. I cant live with this on my own any longer not having anyone to talk to about it.

he has to face up to his mistake and maybe then we can start from the bottom and work our way back up.

I love him .... simple I cant give him up! I wont!


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 12
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't 'new' ... its just new to me!

Yes this is very very true!

then we can start from the bottom and work our way back up.

and this is true too!

It will be a roller coaster, and your predominant attitude and ability to bounce back will carry you through it.

Glad to see that you are feeling much more optimistic!


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2358 | Registered: Jan 2010
Crazyman642
♂ New Member
Member # 40754
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IF, you want to find the truth the answer is the cell records. That is what I used to push mine into coming clean. I am in Law Enforcement the answers are there. If he called this woman he knows the phone, or it can be found. Go to the cell provider he used, was it months or was there a contract? Do a litle detective work, but only if you want the answers. You have the right to have him call the OW and have him say it in front of you, that he chooses you. Force the in the open NC order. I think it would help me, but there is a odd blessing in my case. My WW called it off before I found out. Her OP, died of a massive heart attack a couple months later. Here it is unchristain, but I want to say God took him, that he paid for his sin, and that he saved that S.O.B from me. I would have tracked him down and I don't know if i could have stopped once I got my hands on him. He destroyed a family, not just a marriage... But I am lucky he is gone, but at the same time i can not get the closure that you can. Either make him produce the number or make him take you to the cell company. Start there.


ME: BS
HER: FWW
DDay #1: August 12, 2013
Two Beautiful Children 12, and 4
Married 12 years
Not sure where I am or what I am going to do.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: VA
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, there are no cell records, he used a pay as u go, then threw it.

Im not bothered how many times he rung her, im bothered cos he lied about it and wasn't truthful ...

We are talking, we have booked a MC session together and then will probably go one to one ... my husband needs a specialist councillor as we are now led to believe he has an addiction!

But we are strong, I really believe that ...

Im not going to lie and say im not hurting, I am. I have taken off my wedding rings and today he tried to get me to wear them, but I said no. Im not yet ready for thise back, I need to be sure, and I need to trust him again. It might take another year, another two who knows ...

But it will be extra special when he puts them back on me Xx


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 12
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I've been in your shoes. It's like someone just broke all the little pieces you delicately glued back together with your heart and soul, over a year's time.

The good thing is you know you're strong! You will get through this.

Twelve years ago, I found out about my XH's affair. I was crushed, but went forward. One year later, I heard from the OW. She informed me of another OW. This meant my XH had lied about everything. I tried at R with him for another four years, then gave up and D. By that time, I knew 22 years of marriage was all I was willing to waste on him.

It doesn't have to be this way for you. One thing that gave me a huge amount of peace was insisting on him taking a polygraph test. After learning of the 2nd OW, I kicked him out until he passed the test. I went with him, he passed, and we went forward.

While we weren't meant to be together, the test allowed me to feel like I knew all that was out there. There was no longer any unknowns. For me, that was huge.

Hang in there, stay strong, and do whatever you need for you. (((hugs)))


Me: WGF
Him: WBF
Together two years DD Feb. 2013
I think we are R??? Time will tell

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jun 2013
Crazyman642
♂ New Member
Member # 40754
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IF YOU want, plus him on the number. I want to say he knows it, but in this day of cell phone even I admit I can't always readily bring a number to mind. But this is different. I would push him on the number, you desire a proper NC event.

I am in the same boat with the ring. I refuse to wear it. I have an issue when I wear my ring anyways my knuckles swell and it become uncomfortable for me, so quite a while I had it on a necklace with my cross that I have wore for 20 years. Right now I see it as dirty and having no place next to my heart or that cross. Like you said maybe with time.

Heck, if him he wants your ring back on, make him give the OM a ring and give you the NC you deserve....


ME: BS
HER: FWW
DDay #1: August 12, 2013
Two Beautiful Children 12, and 4
Married 12 years
Not sure where I am or what I am going to do.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: VA
Drowninginitall
♀ Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are going through this again. I'm struggling with some of the same issues with no contact. You have gotten so much great advice. I continue to wish for strength and clarity for you.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IF YOU want, plus him on the number. I want to say he knows it, but in this day of cell phone even I admit I can't always readily bring a number to mind.

I have had the same mobile number for 14 years, and he doesn't know it. He bought a pay as u go, put her number in, and went to her name when he wanted to ring her! When she rung him, her name would come up not the number.

Im not pushing for her number, for the simple fact is ...

I/WE HAVE TO MOVE ON

If I/we want this marriage to work, and we both want it so much, then I have to let this OW go.

They NEVER met!

She lives across the water.

Have you read my profile! There are reasons why I KNOW he would NOT have met her, would NOT have had a physical relationship with her.

I don't care for the amount of times he rung her or she rung him. I REALLY DONT!

Im trying to cope with the fact he LIED about it for 10 months.

He is a broken man. He has lived with difficulties that no man should ever deal with. This stems right back to his childhood and the way he was born.

He is not making excuses for what he has done, but he needs to understand WHY he did it. Keeping it open and keeping the EA going, is not making things better.

Im sorry but I don't know what NC means?


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 12
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Heartbroken2013)))

The lies are the hardest part. You hear it around here a lot, that the affair doesn't kill the relationship its the lies that come after that do.

Knowing that the person you loved and trusted most in the world could look you in the eye and lie destroys you to the core.. Especially when they are looking at the desperation on your face.

The lying is a horrible coping mechanism that we all have to a degree. I see it in my 4 year old. Most of us out grow it as we mature. Even still it is ingrained in the fight or flight response to stress.

It takes years of work to rewrite those responses. It is a process. I am sure your WH feels a sense of relief and I am sure you do too. Try to hold that. Nurture that. Encourage that. Honesty has to feel good to grow.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2400 | Registered: Aug 2012
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him to be truthful with me and asked if (no matter how hurt I am) he feels less guilty now, and his response was ...

Like a weight has been lifted.
He hates seeing the hurt in my eyes but he couldn't go on any longer. he could have kept lying to me. I never had a clue about the mobile phone and that other woman. He could have carried on lying but he knew for us to properly move fwd, he had to tell me.

Im so glad he did.

I hurt like hell, but im so glad he did.

Today is his first day back at work since he told me the full truth. I know I will worry and wonder if he is even 5 mins late home. This isn't going to be easy, its going to be tough ...but I know I want it to work and so does he!

I believe we are strong enough to make it work.


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 12
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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