I thought we were nearly one year into 'R' I thought we were happy ....
How wrong was I ...
Ive updated my profile, cant type what he has done again, its all too much for me :-(
He says its not ...
I say it is ....
But how can it have been that good if he weas still lying, I know nothing was going on in the last year, but he still LIED to me about the initial cyber friendships he had with other women ....
I would be tempted to let him feel how life would be without you. I know it would be difficult considering your 2 newly adopted children, but he needs to feel some consequences. It seems right now he believes "no harm, no foul" as he knows you are committed to keeping your new family in tact.
Is he in IC? He has a lot of work to do on himself - whether or not your marriage survives.
Just remember no *forever* decisions need to be made right now in the heat of the moment. Take care of you and your kids.
This last year have been great. We became parents to 2 beautiful children ... day trips, laughter, excitement, love!!!!
He was living a lie!!!
Why .... did he not want this life? Was he running away! Did he want out!
He swears he loves me and the children, he said he was too afraid to tell me as this had been going on for longer than the cybersex stuff had been!!!!
It doesn't matter to me how long ... the fact if the matter to me is he chose not to tell me. Not to be open and honest as I thought we were being ...
Ive taken his wedding ring while he begged on his knees not to hav to take it off .....
What am I going to do :-(
I know how much this hurts. I got the "rest" of the truth about others and their betrayals of me, just under the year mark.
For us this was a major setback, though it wasn't the end.
How did u get through it!!!!
I also made some decisions about my life that I would not have made, had I not been so willing to let go. I moved out of our home to take our DD to another area to pursue a professional dream. My FWH was left having to make monumental efforts to see us, to be with us and to maintain connection. While this wasn't WHY I made the decision, I think it made it easier for me to do "what was needed" without feeling obligated to stay home with him. I may not have made that move for our DD had I been on the same path.
The best I can really offer is that you is that this is going to have to become about you. I'm not saying you need to move out, or do what I did, but just be willing to do what is best for you. Your willingness to let go of things that hurt you, and accept only things that are good for you, will show. And it will either motivate your FWS into gear or not. And you will be ok with the outcome, because you have let go of it. If you FWH wants to be part of your life, he will step up and do what it takes to be there.
I know that may not be the best help right now. I wish I could offer more. The most important thing, is that you build yourself up. And I do know how hard that is. Let me know if I can offer an encouraging word to help you along.
Lots of hugs
He told our little adopted one that daddy has to go away, she smiled and said 'ok daddy see u soon' .... she didn't understand and I cried so hard, as did he!
He is still here, helping with the children, helpingme after my operation, Its surprising how much mobility u lose with losing one hand!
Anyhow .... ive cried, ive not eaten, ive spoken to my best friend. Im hurting, but not because I found out there were other women, im hurting cos he lied about it. The women I can deal with, it wouldn't matter how many god dam women he talked to, one or ten, its still betrayal.
He said he didn't tell me about his Hotmail acct because he deleted it before I found out (his yahoo acct I saw so he couldn't deny it) only he didn't bargain on me being nosey and checking out the photo he used as his profile and noticing that it has been edited a few mths before he said he had started in chat ... bingo! Why wud he edit a pic back then for no reason ... he told me the truth cos he started using the chat room about 6 mths before he originally told me - that's it!!! That was the lie!
But a lie is a lie ... I feel like ive been put back to this time last year and its all raw again!
He's still here ....
He's still here ....
Why oh WHY didn't he tell me all of this last DDay
Same reason so many, if not all, WS's do the TT routine to the death or near death of their marriages.
My wife didn't tell me the truth, or the counselors IC or MC, until 6 months of counseling had passed, until she'd put me through Hell with the lies that didn't make any sense, and until she'd insisted she was "...I am telling you the truth" and then firmly saying "you just can't handle the truth, you can't handle it".
Me going nuts just trying to reconcile the fact that what was being said didn't make any fucking sense at all....perhaps to a counselor, but not to someone who knew his wife and remembered a lot about the past and recognized it just didn't add up.
Then, suddenly, after 6 months of this torture, breaking down, and dropping to her knees in our yard in tears, when I'm just about to drive off to work, and without any preamble practically vomiting out the truth, the real truth, not the truth as she wanted it to be.
What you are experiencing is the revelation, PAINFULLY slowly, not of an affair, but of how broken your spouse really is emotionally. It takes months, if not years, to work on this.
My wife insisted there was no sex at our house, no sex with our kids around, etc, etc, etc. When the reality is that she'd put the kids in front of the TV, walked the guy down the short hallway, and had sex with him in our bed with the kids only 30 feet away, blow jobs in the garage with the kids playing in the yard, as well as getting drunk and giving him a blow job in a public park near the center of town out in the open near some picnicking tables, kissing him with the kids around, and taking all the kids to meet him. Drinking with him and the kids present, driving home buzzed, drinking to get in the mood for sex during the day, and using MJ to get stoned when she couldn't handle what she was doing, before drinking in the afternoon to do more of the same.
All for a guy who was a stand-up citizen, stable businessman, hard working family guy, NOT!
For a guy who was a serial cheater on his wife, who didn't pay his bills, who didn't pay attention to his kids, who didn't do his work, who would say anything to get what he wanted, and who was so stupid that he thought the two of them should run away together (never figured out if they were taking the kids with them or not).
Within 4 weeks of this vomiting up the truth, my wife began to truly engage in MC for real, she was diagnosed with alcoholism, she entered AA, she dropped multiple friends who she had been engaging in secret drug use with (and who functioned as her suppliers for her Marijuana...not the drug to be using if you have depression), and she confronted the reality in her life of her being codependent to a severe degree. She exposed the sexual abuse as a child, she exposed the rapes as an adult, she exposed the truth about her first marriage, and she exposed the truth about her life before she met me and the degree that her actions went to in order to gain approval from men. All of which I had to face as well.
I think, in retrospect, that the reason the second year of MC is so hard, is that you finally get to work on the truth as it is, not as the parties want it to be.
I'm another one that thought we had the situation out in the open only to be leveled by another D day almost exactly a year after the first one.
My husband had some late on-set hearing impairment in his late teens and early twenties. It hit him really hard. Though he can operate "normally" with hearing aids, it impacted a lot of the things he loved, especially playing an instrument he had been devoted to for decades. Coupled with some really bad FOO dynamics, his response was to create an alter ego he completely invested in.
Whenever things got stressful for him, for whatever reason, he defaulted back to that alter ego. In our case, that included seeking out and maintaining multiple on-line relationships with other women.
Frankly, that alter ego? That person he made himself into in some completely destructive coping mechanism? That guy he thought was safer and stronger and more livable? Complete bastard. Seriously. He was egotistical, duplicitous, manipulative, and predatory.
It took time for him to understand that the illusion of safety and "strength" he thought that persona gave him not only was completely untrue, it was destructive to everything that meant anything to him. That fantasy life equated no gain with complete cost.
In the year between the two D-Days, with me now aware and him watching me be in enormous pain, WH compartmentalized, gaslighted, lied, and tried to double down on the bad coping mechanisms he sequestered in for most of his adult life. It wasn't until he KNEW he would lose everything he had here that he was able to see exactly what clinging to that toxic alter ego was costing him.
Like you see again and again, you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. I was ready to be done. I wasn't going to play second fiddle to make believe.
You can reconcile from this. We are. But it means taking away that illusion of safety for them to see the truth of the situation. I suspect some of your WH's similar coping mechanisms originated from the same disability issues. On their side, it can look like we're forcing them to be "broken" versus "strong" even though that's an obvious lie.
The truth is you can't convince him of this. He's too practiced at juggling both worlds by now. He has to lose you. He has to see what he's really choosing.
I'm so sorry, Heart. I totally understand. Now, you have to be the one to break the hold his delusion has on your life. Pick you, pick your babies. If he's who he should be to be in your life, he'll pick you, too. If not, better to know that now than have D-Days like this over and over again. He needs outside help. He needs to see the truth reflected from a source that he's not used to ignoring.
Does this mean he was continuing to cheat since the last dday? Did he admit this new info or did you catch him again?
It seems to me that men with "cyber" types of addictions/habits have usually been doing them for years before they are found out. It kind of strikes me that you also met him online. I would be wondering how long he has truly been using online flirting as a replacement for real life, due to his disability. I hope this is not the tip of the iceberg.
I feel like ive been put back to this time last year and its all raw again!
This is because you have been put back there. Back to ground zero.
And he knew how hurt you were the first time, so this is going to feel more calculated, more cruel and more damaging.
TT is a true failure to understand that the lying afterwards it the marriage/trust/respect killer. In some cases it's fear that overrides the need for complete honesty, and sadly in some cases, its a way to keep a little piece of it to themselves...a little bit more of the secret just for themselves. Either way, the result is the same.
Give yourself time, and go back to the basics...the eating, the resting, the self-care.
Does this mean he was continuing to cheat since the last dday? Did he admit this new info or did you catch him again?
No. He has done nothing since last DD in November. I believe him.
I found out about the mobile phone, I asked him if had spoken to any of the women he told me about. He admitted he had bought a mobile to talk to her.
That's how I know.
I kept digging.
He hasn't done anything different since Nov last year. But I feel that this past year has all been a lie because he didn't tell me about it. If I had got all this info I would have been hurt of course, but I would have processed it like I did with last DDday news.
He has lived every day this last year, even tho remorseful for what he has done, Even tho he has been loving, adoring, sorry, mortified ... he still kept things back when he should have told me the first time.
He swears the mobile phone went in the bin, he cut the sim card and threw the phone away in the bin in town. He swears there was no contact before it, he didn't tell her he was going, as far as she knows, he has died cos she cant get in touch with him and hasn't been for the last year.
He has been so lovely the last year ... I cant believe he lied again.
I know tho that I have to try with this marriage, for the sake of our 2 children. We are adopting them, the adoption papers havnt come thru yet, so if we split up, they will be taken away from us, I cant let that happen.
I do believe he loves me.
We (and he alone) are going to get MC, this time from a proper source. Last MC was shite!!
I want my marriage to work and believe that the last year he has changed. He has become a different person.
But im still grieving for my husband, the man I lost in November 2012... he has gone and will never come back, and for that ... im grieving!
I am sorry you are hurting. TT is so destructive. The same thing happened to me. About 10 months after Dday I was given the whole truth including three more A's.
You say that "all the work you have done over the last year was a lie". It definitely feels that way, but all that work allowed him to become honest. You said "he is a changed man". And if he was able to be honest about something that he kept secret than that shows that he is. The work over the past year was not in vein.
What completely feels like a setback is really a giant leap forward. Crazy right?
I know what it feels like. The feelings are back to square one. The anger, frustration, the fear, the insecurity, and paranoia. When I was able to look beyond the shock and see how much growth it must have taken to become honest it gave me hope.
[This message edited by Chicho at 6:25 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I can not imagine the pain you are in. I am only a couple months out, but everything has come by means of TT. Now I am scared to death that I will receive the a sucker punch a year later, and that is exactly what this is a sucker punch. He could have been honest, he choose not to. I have two children and feel the same I can not be away from them. I feel so sorry for you, and I keep using this. The Senerity Prayer goes along way. Be strong for yourself and your children. What is difficult on my side is I am in law enforcement and have been told by our MC that I have to stop investigating. I had gathered 18 months of cell records, highlighted calls, number of text, number of pics sent. Was told I needed to give it all up if there was any chance of saving this. Now I wonder, should I be digging deeper and also looking for a new MC. Several people here on Si have recommended it based on a couple of the MC actions. I will be telling her of your post and watching her reactions.
Try to keep your head up, there are people here for all of us. One day at a time, one step at a time. If you don't mind, can I ask what he used on line. Mine was a game called Second Life, and it detroyed our first...
Tried to reconcile for 6 months, I couldn't get past the pai
If you don't mind, can I ask what he used on line. Mine was a game called Second Life, and it detroyed our first...
No, it was just in a normal chatroom called 'chatbazzar' he went in and starting typing/chatting, and met these women there.
He went on as himself ... a married man, so when he met the women they knew he was married. When he went out to purchase his mobile phone secectly, she knew he was married.
I asked so many questions last night that again, 3rd night in a row we were up most of it, im am exhausted!
He told me that he used to ring her on a Friday afternoon after work as he finishes early. He would sometimes flirt with her. Sometimes give her adivse on her failing marriage her husband had left their home, he was an alcoholic!
She asked if he lived closer would her ever meet her for a coffee, he refused saying he couldn't as he was married. She responded with 'its only a coffee' ....
She fancied him, he MUST have fancied her. he says it wasn't sexual feelings he had for her, he classed her as a friend. I don't believe him. But what I do believe is that, even tho he didn't tell me that bit, the last year he has stopped. he could have carried on the phone calls if he had wanted to. I never knew about the phone, I never would have if he hadn't come clean about it.
Im sorry that he just got rid of the phone, that he never told her that he was going to stop talking to her. Ive thought hard about this and I would have preferred if he had text her and said summit on the lines of, I cant talk with u no more, I have to make my marriage work, or summit like that ... for the simple reason it would be ME winning over her! It would have been him chosing ME!
he says he did chose me as he could have carried on, but he didn't tell her he was chosing ME! His wife!
he did what he always does, he run away and he left her high an dry. She has no idea what has happened to him. ive searched her name on fb and there are a few of them, so I have messaged them all. I know the area where she lives, jesus its where I am from!! Its my hometown. I moved from there to be with my H over here in Ireland!
I told him how can I ever go back to my hometown now, what if he bumps into her next time (we only go about once every 2 years but that's not the point!!) what if he sees her while we are out an about, they will have that connection again, and I will be oblivious. I told him that next time I go home, im going alone, he is NEVER coming with me for the fear he sees her.
Every woman on fb with the same name I have messaged, he says none of the profile pics is her ... she MUST be on there somewhere!
How do I find her!!!!!!