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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just don't give a shit anymore
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That about sums it up. I browsed books today looking for advice on how to overcome the "I just don't give a shit anymore" mentality. I gave up because I was tired and decided I just didn't give a shit. Bad double edged sword.

I've stared at this screen for longer than I'd like to admit trying to figure out what the hell I'm trying/wanting to say. Sad thing is I don't even know. This topic might be up for the most pointless thread on all of SI. I guess I'd be honored if I gave a shit about anything right now.

Could be an attack of LPF or me just deciding I'm done with all of this A stuff. R takes work from both the BS and WS and this BS just doesn't give a shit anymore.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 375 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Heart)) take a deep breath. One day at a time right? It 8:45pm where I am and my WS just fell asleep with his head in my lap on the sofa. I'm just going to enjoy the moment....

Remember, lots of people here on SI understand and care about YOU.


BS - 59; fWH - 58 (yes, I believe he is a fWH now!)
2 grown children, 1 grandchild; Married 36 years, he is my only
D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011(updated tt) sexting with same OW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Ina

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guessing you didn't mean to be funny, but your first paragraph made me laugh out loud. I can totally relate. I'm so tired of being the only one who gives a shit, so I don't want to give a shit anymore. I, too, feel a certain level of numbness... I do fear that it is the calm before my storm and the tsunami of emotion is silently propelling its way to shore...

No words of advice. Just wanted to say "I feel you" and wish you the best.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 20 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, MC/IC/FC,
He officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I go through this....just get tired of it RULING my life....it is okay...I am dealing with Feb DDay (all the TRUTH) as well...really can't wait for the YEAR to be up...after once around the year I hope it will feel a bit better...gosh it IS hard...one day at a time....


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 54
Him: WS 61
Married 31 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013
ctdean2004
♀ New Member
Member # 39637
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I have tons of these moments. I don't give a shit because I have five million other things to do than worry about my H and his problems. I hate this consuming my head. It's a pain in the ass I know. One day at a time right?


Me: BS, 31
Him: WH/SA, 31
Together 8 years
Married 7 years
DS1, DD2, DSontheway 10/10/13
Official DDAY: October 2012
'09 some things came out, he went to SA, stopped doing it and he went to town! Always been caught and never confessed.
Rec

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Connecticut
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss the fun way of loving and being with my wife...miss that terribly. I get tired of thinking and rethinking about the simplest of my actions.....mostly behind my motives of doing what I do.
I still wrestle with the fact that it was my wife that broke NC and that her AP not responding to that email is what killed that relationship....

In many ways my feeling like you expressed likens back to my high school relationships....when I got dumped....it hurt, but I quickly got to the Not Caring point and found another girlfriend...wasn't nearly as tiring and hurtful as this is. I also have thoughts about how easy and fun it would be to start up a new relationship with a new woman....but am intelligent enough to realize my struggles would come with me. let me try to explain that...


BS see their fWS in a new light...I get that, have processed through much of that. The shock to me was seeing MYSELF in a new light. That is actually tougher for me as I thought I knew myself.....its exhausting at times trying to get ones bearings when this happens. Until I process that, come to groups with who I really am, I am doomed to repeat myself. If I D and started a new relationship, the fun and excitement of that would feel good....doing what I am doing now feels bad....but then after the fun and excitement wore off I still have this to work through....or I could just change women every few years, which is a choice not too uncommon. But this is looking outside for internal change and validation. It just wont work. I pray everyday I keep this true thought in mind as I investigate my motives behind my choices.

All things that are good are not easy or fun, all things that are bad are not hard or painful.

God be with us all.


p.s. I have posted similar seemingly pointless threads....have resulted in some very thought provoking responses. I pray this happens for you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:32 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2672 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK. This is the 2nd post in a short time on this theme.

What's changed, Heart?


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8892 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This topic might be up for the most pointless thread on all of SI.

Nope. I think it's critical to you as a person. On some level, for a while, I needed to say F to my M. You know F to the M. I like that. I mean I was just out of juice. I needed to recharge me for me. Not for my kids, my W or anybody else, just me.

My two cents is to get out a calendar, fill in your obligations - the shit you have to do for your kids or job - and the rest with things you actually want to do. What do you love? Reading, boating, running? Get into it again. Just forget out the M and your H for a while. Give yourself a few months....Tell you H if you want to...or not.

I read, took the role of president of a local non-profit I was already apart of and starting to focus on meditation more in my life because I wanted to be even again. That was just my track...make your own.

You sounds like you need a good dose of you time. It does not mean you are giving up, it just means you are taking care of the only person who can really take care of you...you.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS I demand to be put first all the time. If that does not happen I feel neglected and unloved. A small statement can send me off into get my ducks in a row I am so freakin done. Yes they are fewer now but it still happens.
Heart I get it. I read your waywards post. Why does he not get it he had all that time for her messages etc etc. He should have tons of time to text u talk to u and work on the marriage. We all get busy I had depression and could not function. Is he depressed?
He very well could. I know if I cheated I would be in a big dark hole for sure.
I hope you are ok heart.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3135 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me too. my body needs a break.
my husband can tell and it scares him that I'm no longer fighting..
there is some peace in here.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3627 | Registered: Dec 2010
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. You guys are just....wow. I was shocked waking up to see all your responses.

So many of you were able to put in words what I could not. So, massive quote to sum it up.

fear that it is the calm before my storm and the tsunami of emotion is silently propelling its way to shore...

tired of it RULING my life.

I have five million other things to do than worry about my H and his problems.

just out of juice

my body needs a break.

I guess I do care more than I thought, though. Last night I lost it on KB. I mean lost it. I went through every single thing he did that hurt me and was on a rampage (at least by my normally mild mannered standards). So, logic tells me that if I'm so willing to put that much effort in chewing off 10lbs of KB's ass, I must care about him and our M. He took it, though, without an argument. There were no "but you" or "but I" statements uttered from his mouth. He was calm and he let me, heck encouraged me, to get it all out as kindly as he could. There must have been a place way back in my head that kept chanting "Heart, he's owning it. He knows."

Since I've been up, well, I feel better. The kind you have after a good cry. One thing I realized was many of the things I said last night I had never said to KB. They were details of his As I knew that he had told me, but I never said them aloud myself. I don't know, maybe now they've been said I can let them go? I hope so. I was spewing venom and I know I don't ever want to utter his APs names and details of their As again.

I'm positive this is all revolving around the upcoming 1 year anti. I just hope I can keep it together.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 375 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just have a big dose of what many of us have or have had. As my mother used to say this too shall pass. Believe that


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jul 2012
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a followup, now I feel bad/guilty. Part of me feels like I should apologize for my behavior. I was downright mean at times. The other side is I didn't say anything he didn't say or do during his As. That doesn't excuse my behavior and make it ok in my eyes, though. I hate feeling like I'm losing who *I* am in all of this.

Oh, and StillStanding it was intended to be funny in the exasperated, tongue in cheek kinda way. Sometimes English just doesn't have the right word for that kind of funny.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 375 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heart... I think we all get it. We've all been there.

I wrote a 'sick of it' post on the Betrayed Men thread #14 a while back - page 40 something, I think, that was in line with what I think you were feeling. I guess there is a difference between 'sick of it' and 'don't give a shit', but they're not far off from each other. That being said, I have my 'don't give a shit' days as well. They aren't all that much fun, that's for sure.

Wish I could offer some advice for you. Sometimes you're hurting and there are just no words to describe it. Our spoken languages are limited, especially when it comes to properly describing emotions as deep as the ones we are feeling.

Best of luck to you.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Heart)))))

I think you and your WH are both quite cerebral people. Letting out your real feelings was possibly exactly what you needed to do.

I am filing for divorce and I have said a lot more to my WH about my feelings lately. It runs so deep. It has helped.

Also, if your WH owns it and has been 100% transparent, that is hugely important. Mine is still lying and it has been the death knell for our marriage.....

[This message edited by jemimapd at 10:44 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heart, what you were feeling is normal, it's kind of that level acceptance we all reach in R. OK he did this, now I know I had no control over it, and I have been supportive and done what I could, but I now realize I have no control over what he does in the future, and it does create this phenomenon of Fuck it all, who cares anymore.

But you did the right thing you spewed out a bunch of yuck you were holding in, and felt better after. Don't apologize for doing that, do apologize for being less than kind when doing it. It is all part of the healing process.

It does get better, and like you said, you realized that he was owning it, he wasn't blaming, he wasn't ya but, no but during, he was agreeable, and supportive. He gets it. Now to move forward.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6558 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 16

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