My WS has no problems performing sexually, as long as he is in control, and is happy to have sex several times a week, but he has huge intimacy problems. We have gone years having sex without even kissing, there is no romance or connection, and when it sort of feels like there might be he is quick to say something ďdirtyĒ or even inappropriate, or do things I have told him I donít like. Ö. It is like he would rather I tell him to stop than actually experience some sort of bond that way. I was aware before we got married he was into BDSM stuff, and being somewhat naÔve I thought nothing was wrong with a little spank and tickle. I assumed it would be a small part of a bigger sexual life with lots of experimentation, which sounded fun. When really it is just him getting off on the idea of being emotionally mean.
Ok Iím dancing around this because it feels inappropriate to tell anyone, even in a forum like this, but as an example one of the fantasies he has mentioned multiple times which I specifically asked him to not say outloud again, but he continues to say on occasion and uses to get off is to tell me how he wishes I was nursing again so he could tie me out in the backyard and milk me? WTF! More than once I have immediately got up and left after he pulled this gem out Ė yet he continues every few months to make some reference, because you know most women want to be compared to and treated like cow!! And it is not so much he even gets off on this idea (though I find it REALLY creepy) but that he refuses to keep it to himself- he is getting something out of telling me it and getting me upset. It is clear that sexual closeness makes him uncomfortable. Ironically after sex he is happy to cuddle and I usually just want to run away because it makes me feel LESS close to him.
He is also very uncomfortable discussing anything sexual, (except to say awful things to me right before he climaxes) I know he looks at porn, and I imagine he masturbates, I mean everyone man Iíve ever known does, right? But he actually told me he doesnít except when I am out of town, even after I told him I doÖ. I actually imagine he does it a lot because it is largely how he has to finish, or with me facing away from him and him saying really unsexy things to me, and I know Iím not that bad in bed Ö. I think Ö Anyway not really sure it matters, whether I am or not, because it feels more like Iím just a receptacle than we are having loving sexy fun times together.
Iím sure this is all playing a role. No better way to keep your spouse intimately distant from you than cheat Ö Just wondering if that makes attempting any sort of reconciliation attempt futile Ė if he really doesnít want intimacy with me. Iím not expecting every day to be like a romantic movie, but I would love to actually enjoy our encounters, maybe even feel close with him. Can anyone else relate? This all feels so isolating- hard enough to tell friends your husband is cheating, than to admit he is degrading and mean in bed and you have NEVER "made love".
I'm sorry. My wxh was very similar in that he didn't kiss me for months. Toward the end, he would only have sex from behind also. His skank told me that was because I am so ugly that he didn't want to look at my face.
So, yes- I now have some hang ups. I was unable to kiss anyone for about 4 years, until I met the man I'm currently seeing. Sex, yes-kissing, no.
I believe that all of this was done to demean me as a person, as a control to make me doubt myself.
I won't say that I'm now a totally confident person, but I have taken the approach of "fuck him" with regard to my wxh.
I know kinky when I see it and I know abusive behavior when I see it. You H is not into kinky stuff, he is an abuser. It is not my place to say that he is sick, but he is sick.
I am so sorry for your predicament.
His interest may be classified as "kinky".
The fact that he can only get off by tormenting you with it is sick.
Was he abused? What kind of porn does he look at?
My journey to survive from my husbands multiple affairs and sex addiction.
[This message edited by Andthencraigslis at 7:52 AM, October 14th (Monday)]
For your own sake get into IC to help you understand why you are willing to tolerate this level of disrespect. The only person you have control of is you. If he is unwilling to deal with it, and continues to attempt to sneak in these things that are clearly unhealthy the only option you have is to not allow yourself to be put in that position.
He has some very real issues. Probably related to abuse, and until he is willing to accept and address that there is nothing YOU can do to change it.