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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Seeing OW - feeling pi$$ed
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I scrape up all my courage today and decide to go back to church for the 1st time since DDay - -knowing OW will be there.

I have been putting it off, but H and I both felt we needed to try and claim our space there, as it has been a central part of our community and our life where we live. We actually checked the church out before we moved here, and there aren't any other congregations of the type within 100 miles. She is not a super-regular attendee, but is teaching a few Sunday School classes (ha - right?) and will be there for sure a few more weeks.

Anyway, saw OW as expected -- just ignored her and didn't make eye contact, don't know if she looked at us or not. H and I sat close, and he held my hand tight the whole time - stayed by my side. Was happy to be there with me and help reclaim our space and demonstrate where his heart is.

Problem is, I've been pissed all day. Mad before we left - since I woke up -- and mad since we got home. We are doing good work, and my marriage is better than it has been in years, but I am mad as hell that I have to deal with this. So, I should be celebrating a victory with H ("We did this, together. . ") and all I can muster up is feeling bitchy. I hate that this is my life - worrying about running into some frizzy headed $#&@ at church. Sigh.

Any words of wisdom?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a great first step. Of course you were going to trigger and feel badly about this, but hopefully with a little time and space you will be able to check this off as a victory and feel good about it. Just keep approaching things as a team and you can't go wrong.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 5:53 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, jrazz.
I know you are right - I just thought I'd feel a little more "Whoo-hoo!" and victory-lap-ish.

I feel more like Lucy Van Pelt.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey - we all get to be a little Lucy about this. Practice makes perfect. By this time next year you'll be much more Sally.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
broken81
♀ Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly its that thing we all hate hearing..."TIME".
As time goes on and the number of times I have run into OW have gone up, my reaction has gone down.

For a first time back I think it went pretty well. You two stuck together, maybe not the major victory but still a victory.


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it really does happen, broken81? That I'll get somewhat desensitized to seeing her? I guess I sometimes wonder if this is just my life now. . .

Actually, I saw her a few weeks ago (unexpectedly) and wound up shaking in the parking lot. . . (which surprised me.) This did seem way better.

I partly feel bad b/c H is proud of us and keeps trying to be positive and "Go Team!" ish, and I am not feeling it yet.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
broken81
♀ Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really does get better.
For a long time after DDay if I saw her i was in a rage, shaking and wanting to vomit.
The physical effects faded and I was just really bitchy.
Now 20ish months from DDay I'm just annoyed and that only lasts maybe 15 minutes. Before it could ruin days.

It was a big turning point in my reaction to it when i just saw her as pathetic and nothing else.
She even on occassion follows me driving..it doesnt totally upset me anymore. I dont fear her and just see how pathetic she is.

It might always cause a reaction but the intensity fades greatly.

She lives down the street and our kids attend the same school so the opportunity to have a run in is high. our kids just started the same school this year. In the beginning of the year i thought seeing her everyday would be too much. two months in i'm pretty over it. She just isnt worth it.

[This message edited by broken81 at 7:14 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For almost a year I reacted like a silver back gorilla protecting his family when I was with my family and saw my wife's AP.

Upon my 1 year anti-v I got the courage to walk our girls to school....fully expecting to be challenged, like you were at church, but our paths did not cross. Felt like I was ready to hit one out of the park only to be intentionally walked! You got pitches thrown to you....you didn't hit a home run but you did swing and get on base while your husband cheered you on. Congratulations!

Asked if it gets better?

Just recently we had dinner at a steak house....where they cook right in front of you....wife's AP and his family filled out the other half of the cooking area....I saw them the whole meal.....no silver back reactions!

Time and intentional practice is the key.

So you didn't hit one out of the park....you are still in the game, got some guys on base, and your husband is in the batters line up. I bet the opposing team (OW) was expecting a no hitter....bet she is more rattled by the days events than you are. After all, it is clear who is on your team and that you both have put serious work into pre-game practices.

It was apparent that my wife's AP and his BS have done little if any practice....guess they have given up trying to hit the ball and are instead hoping to get "intentionally walked" through life.

Here's to you mr and mrs bionicgal....you are not content to hope for "walks".....you have the courage to honor the team you agreed to be a part by stepping up to bat and swinging at life's pitches....some of which would intimidate others, causing them to stay in the dugout.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:57 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4038 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to let you know....today I had a rough afternoon. So I still struggle too. I get that this was a tough day. But it encouraged me that you and hubby supported each other. You didn't cuss at him for putting you in this position, he didn't get mad or impatient with you for struggling....you are in the big leagues now and are showing you are worthy to be there.

Keep the faith.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4038 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi bg! I am glad you reclaimed your place together in church today. As blake said you did well by not cussing him out even though you feel understandably angry that "this is your life now". How many x have I said that out loud?

Your reaction is totally normal. While I held on with head up at the conference last month and we were a united front, don't think for one minute I didn't go back to the hotel and feel angry that I was even dealing w the circumstances - my new 'normal' - or fall asleep asking myslef "what the hell?!"

Broken is right about time being your friend. But yeah. It does hurt ((bg)) and of course it makes you angry. We understand.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ReClaiming is very difficult. But, when you finally make it, sometimes after a few tries, it feels really good. Even better when you are doing it together and your fws is your biggest cheerleader.
Hang in. You will get there.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS - My H and I have followed your posts about walking your girls to school, and the dinner that night, and he actually brought you up today to show that it can get better!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont' know if I can explain this right, but I look at my XWH as being addicted to OW - like she is a bottle of beer to an alcoholic. So, when I see her, I think, bottle of beer.

I also trigger, but the addiction analogy helps me. It's hard on me when I see her with my XWH and my children at the store, etc. Still trying to work thru that part.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2217 | Registered: Jan 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate everyone's posts so much.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, I hope time helps. I have a physical reaction when it happens and this is not fair. I've had enough trauma in my life. no more.

I mean, the betrayal is enough. Why must we have to deal with this as well?

I'm sorry, OP! You are very positive about this. I am negative.. you are so brave to attempt this.

Hugs to you!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
torn2pieces
♀ New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i see my husbands ap at school functions and around town. i didn't think it would get better but 18 months later it doesn't shake me as much. i don't enjoy it but can deal. i actually look at her with alot of pitty . she still thinks she's in high school looking for drama...but she never sees that she's the cause of most of it. you reclaim your spot andenjoyknowing that its just pissing

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Bionicgal and mr bionicgal)))).

My heart swells upon reading your response to my posts to you. Glad you did not think I was making light of your day and being too positive at the expense of minimizing your struggle.

Peace to you both.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4038 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 17

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