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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Breaking my elbow and starting over
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a bad accident on my bike earlier this week. I shattered my elbow and had extensive surgery and a short hospital stay. Now I'm home

Prior to this, WS and I have been working hard to recover. WS has been doing all he can to fix himself. We are both in IC and in MC. WS still hides behind his keyboard too much for communicating about A (IMHO) but at least we can work through it. We do things together, he puts me first and now understands boundaries.

I fear my broken elbow,which is badly broken and leaves me a bit more dependent on him, might set us back in our recovery. Understandably he is worried about my physical recovery and long term health. He's worried that this extra stress will affect our recovery from the A. I must admit I have similar concerns. I want to reassure him everything will be okay and I want him to do the same for me

I do not recommend breaking an elbow as an intelligent way to cement recovery.... Though I must admit that this is the first time I felt we could consider ourselves as being "in recovery".


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch! That sounds like a really painful injury.

Sometimes couples can get closer when they help each other through a health issue. Maybe there will be hidden opportunities to communicate and bond with your husband?

Wishing you a speedy recovery.


Posts: 7500 | Registered: Dec 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost feel your elbow pain and wish you a speedy recovery, both WRT your elbow, you as an individual, and your M.

If your goal is an M that is a partnership, this is an opportunity to build it, and if your H steps up, he'll build a lot of trust. If you both keep talking to each other about the triumphs and awfulness of your physical recovery, this could help R - but remember to complain about the sitch, not each other.

Also, I suggest that you ask straight for help you want and make distinctions between what you need now, need later, want now, and want later.

For a chuckle, I hope, 3 days ago I unclipped from my right pedal and leaned left when I stopped. First fall in 28 years (when I was learning to use toe clips, straps, and nail-on cleats). Yup, I'm new to clipless pedals....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LFW thanks. I do hope you are right that this will bring us closer together. But I'm afraid that this could be the "straw that broke the Camel's back". So many horrible things have happened to us in the past 8 months(deaths of close family, serious illnesses of others) I just worry that all these life events will pile up and we can't take it anymore?

I'm not superstitious, but 2013 can really go to hell as far as I'm concerned. There's just so much negative in our lives right now....

Sissoon thanks for sharing your advice I appreciate it! Hope your fall wasn't too bad... I'm starting to find bruises, scrapes and aches from the accident that I didn't know where there until today.

I plug on.... Waiting for the next load of crap to be thrown at me this year....


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiding behind the keyboard - woooh, big red flag for me. That's how it all started with inappropriate e-mails at work....Hope he lets you see what he's doing on the computer, no more hiding away in the study in our household.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OAD I have complete access to work and home communication gadgets. I check, but not as regularly as I once did.

He would prefer to discuss affair details by computer, which I don't like, but he always answers my questions. He i s trying to talk in person about these things. I guess he's too ashamed of what he has done


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lowlow))) Hope you are quickly on the mend.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25717 | Registered: Aug 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Small elbow scrape, big wound to my pride.

I did crash pretty badly the day before my 40th birthday. Some thoughts based on that experience:

Remember - bad accident, bodily damage, and surgery adds up to trauma, so expect to go through trauma recovery for that even while you're recovering from infidelity's trauma. The injury to your elbow could have all sorts of unexpected emotional ramifications, just like any other trauma.

Be kind to yourself. Unless you're allergic or abuse drugs, use prescribed painkillers as prescribed. Don't stuff your feelings about the accident. You can always post here or on a bike forum about your pain and frustration, if your H and friends hit their limits. When you start PT, use your head - if something hurts too much, tell the therapist.

IMO, caring for a sick partner is something one partner must do for the other; that care builds bonds of trust. If your H can't do that, do you really want him? At the same time, it's difficult for the caregiver. I think you can commiserate with each other and build bonds of trust that way.

I won't offer a hug, because I suspect a hug would hurt now. How about some virtual flowers? Chocolate?

(((flowers))) (((chocolate)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch! Even bumping my elbow sends me reeling so I cannot imagine what a break there would feel like. As I am a newbie cyclist in the scheme of things here compared to Finally10, taking a bac fall is a big concern if mine. The clipless pedals...Please feel better soon. ((((Lowlow))))
It sounds like your year has truly sucked.

It's unfortunate, but this new delivery of crap will just have to be gotten through, as you have the other things this year. Pull together with your H, accept his help and know that you will heal and move forward. Sure, it's easy for me to say, sitting here with two working arms and not battling the pain and exhaustion you have. But there isn't any way beyond it all but through it right now. Get rest, eat- you know the drill, I'm sure.
I agree with Losferwords- and I hope that there can be some face to face communication can replace the computer to computer time.

Sending you virtual treats and good thoughts. Speedy recovery to you.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Finally10
♂ Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really sorry to hear about your accident - I have had a few falls and near misses, but nothing nearly as serious as your fall. Falls are scary regardless of the injury.

As to the other issues, I would hope your WS would be supportive in your recovery and use the opportunity to demonstrate his love and care for you. I second Losfer's comments above too.

I want to reassure him everything will be okay and I want him to do the same for me

Tell him this ^^^ and above all tell him what you need, especially now. Injury recovery is difficult work, you will hurt, be cranky, be exhausted, and depressed over your limitations. When you are feel these things, tell him so he doesn't have to read your mind, signals,or otherwise guess what is going on. We men are fairly simple creatures, who generally want to help and be supportive when their spouse is hurting. Physical hurting is much easier to see and understand than the emotional hurt that results from a A, but tell him how you are feeling. "I'm fine" really just says, leave me alone, or that's what we hear, when really your arm hurts like hell and you want him to tell you he understands and to get you some soup from the kitchen.

Oh, don't rush the recovery and overdo - joint injuries take a long time to heal and to recover your range of motion. Take it slow and follow your MD and PT's advice. Good luck and take it slow.

F10


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I will remember to tell WS about my physical and emotional needs, especially that we will get through this.

The problem is that he has drawn away from me emotionally. I know there is something wrong. I can tell from the look on his face. All I get out of him is that he wants me to get better. How do I get him to talk to me? I'm really concerned that this injury will wreck everything we've worked towards in the past 8 months!


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I will remember to tell WS about my physical and emotional needs, especially that we will get through this.

The problem is that he has drawn away from me emotionally. I know there is something wrong. I can tell from the look on his face. All I get out of him is that he wants me to get better. How do I get him to talk to me? I'm really concerned that this injury will wreck everything we've worked towards in the past 8 months!


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he doesn't know how to help. Maybe he imagines your physical pain and has sympathetic pain himself. I have to admit I'm not good around people who are in physical pain or very sick; maybe he's like me.

Are you mobile? An MC session or a joint session with his IC or yours, with a goal of opening up communication about helping each other (with a strong emphasis on him helping you) could help.

Remember, you will heal.

I hope your H steps up. In fact, I hope he stepped up just after you posted.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:04 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks,Sisoon. He does all the physical things I need, though he's afraid to hug me just in case he hurts me. He just won't talk about it. He's got IC in 10 days. We have MC in two weeks.

Till then, I will keep trying to get him to open up. He's upset and worried about me, I just hate to see him keeping his pain inside


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Low

Could he possibly have had an ah ha moment?

I don't mean he didn't get it prior, but was your accident frightening for him? Could he have had the ...OMG look at what happened to her/ I could have lost her/look what I did to her moment and is actually sick about it?

About 6 months into R my sister in law passed away in her sleep. She was in her early 30's appeared to be healthy and it shook the entire family.

My husband was upset about her passing but for some reason while at the hospital after they pronounced her, he suddenly had a "holy shit" this could be us moment...

He came home dazed and devastated.

I figured it was the trauma of the days events, but he confessed later that he couldnt stop imagining what if it had been me. He said he had been such a shit that if I died like she did he would never be able to repair what he had done.

He was sick about it...

Maybe your H imagined the worst and realizes there isn't always time for making things right?

I hope he fesses up to whats bothering him

(((more chocolate)))

ETA: I get the everything sucks part of this. The year of my husbands affair was the worst year of our married lives together, not just the A, we had major traumatic events happening around us constantly. It left us always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is difficult, and I understand the pain, constant ick and the waiting for the next thing to come. Hang in there.


[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:00 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma

Never thought of that. He was right behind me when the accident happened. He has done all the physical stuff I need. He's a bit over cautious, but it was a bad break....

We've had a year from hell otherwise... Yes, like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Lots of close friends and fmaily deaths to deal with, lots of illness and bad luck at work. Doesn't seem to end. Because he hasn't ever shared his feelings with me, maybe you are right. This could be an aha moment... But how do I get him to open up?


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This could be an aha moment... But how do I get him to open up?

I would just ask him what it was like being behind you during your fall. See what you get. You are asking a completely safe, easy question,not even A related.

See what he says.

He might have gotten scared to death and is unable to handle the feelings it brought about.

Hope you are feeling better soon.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, what do you mean by 'open up'?

My question is not meant to pin you down. I couldn't describe 'opening up' very well, and maybe you can.

Also, you're the one who's been traumatized multiple times. Shouldn't you be the one to open up? (I think the answer is 'yes', but something that I can't put my finger on tells me I'm wrong.)

2) If you give a good answer to my question, you could enlighten a lot of men and do a great service for women....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sisoon. By opening up, I meant that he has clammed up. He mopes around the house, doesn't respond when I kiss him....
Etc. I get that he's worried about my health but that doesn't mean he gets to shut off.

It's like his avoidance and pushing away behaviour, which very much defined him during his a, has come back.

I tried to get him to talk about it at breakfast today. The answer I got was, "we'll I can't be happy that you are in pain". That's not what I meant. I feel like something is eating at him and he's hiding something from me. I told him my arm is broken, not my brain or my heart

He also said he feels like the accident has prevented us from becoming "normal" again. He feels we are jinxed. Again I reassured him that my priority is for us to get over this....

I'm at a real loss here.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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