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Newest Member: hurtinginatl (44610)

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User Topic: She's planning a trip
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were talking/arguing the other night and FWW said that one of her ways to build trust back has been to not take any trips without me. I thought this was an ineffective attempt because when I asked her what trips she had turned down she didn't really have a good answer. She did come up with she wanted to see her brother. I told her she should go but its going to be a huge trigger for me, one that I am willing to deal with if she does some work first like figuring out how to make me feel more comfortable when she's out there. Like coming up with some type of itinerary, calling, etc.

Last night in the car she mentioned the conversation about me telling her that she should take the trip but she must have heard it as any trip. She wants to do a running race a Disney now and hang out with her cousin. I was upset for two reasons. First I thought it was about seeing her brother, that was the important trip to her. The second is why wouldn't she ask me to go with her. It was different when she was talking about her brother and his family. It would take too long to explain but I don't really want to go with her to see her brother... kind of mad and hurt at the same time.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see how her not inviting you would hurt you. Its possible that she just doesn't know how to think about how what she says/does (or doesn't say or do) affects others, especially you.

My WH is like that. I have found that I have to explain things to him like he is a child. For instance, I say "When you do/say this it makes me feel that..." He used to often leave me out or not consider my feelings, but with a lot of talking (and sometimes screaming) he has gotten much better. It may not come naturally to WS's, but it can be taught. Hopefully your WW is receptive to learning.

Also, I do think it is inappropriate for her to want to travel alone when you're feeling so uncomfortable. Maybe you can turn it into a family trip?


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1110 | Registered: Jul 2012
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her taking a trip was my idea but I thought it would be to see her brother. She has a cousin in Orlando so she's still seeing family. The cousin has had a rough couple of years and could probably use the comfort of family as well.

I told her last night that I thought her plan was to see her brother and was wondering why she wouldn't have invited me to Orlando. Didn't even get an answer.

When we discussed the trip I said she'd have to come up with a plan that will make me feel comfortable with the trip. I was honest and told her it'd be a huge trigger for me and that she'd have to put herself in my shoes to figure out how to make me feel comfortable before she leaves, while she's there, and so on. It's not supposed to be just get on a plane and go. Fortunately, the race she wants to do isn't until next year. I wouldn't be at all surprised when she tells me she found a reason to go earlier. That's just her being herself.

I see the trip as a good thing. It will force her to think and empathize, two things she has difficulty with. It forces me to stay balanced between logic and emotion, or else I get weird. It was my suggestion as a way to heal myself I guess.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Topic Posts: 3

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