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User Topic: Flying to see her.............
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I set the boundaries over the phone calls. They may not seem like boundaries but there are no words of love or terms of endearment.

I want to gently point out, that this is not boundary setting. That's not how they work.
You set your boundaries, and he sets his and she sets hers.

What you have done is create the illusion of setting boundaries for them, which they will likely not respect.

Have you read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. A christian/biblical perspective on having healthy boundaries, and I think it could be a great help to you here.

You have a kind heart, and strong boundaries will help you protect that heart and know when and how to best offer your gifts of compassion.

((hugs))) and so sorry for you difficult situation.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if Crazy Daze is making these decisions, and has her eyes open and is being true to herself, then its her decision to make and not ours to judge.

I don't think people are judging. I think that many of us are seeing reluctance and a bit of coercion in CD's posts. She feels she has to because of faith, love, obligation...and we're trying to show her she doesn't.

He still is sinning as long as he is on the wayward mindset. From what she's shared, he is. This OW can die but because he still has the entitled attitude and hasn't devoted himself to CD at the level he should, the odds of another A are increased.

A man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. The two shall be as one. If her heart hurts, so should his. For NOBODY should he be hurting her heart. Not his parents, not strangers and certainly not the OW. The marital relationship is supposed to be an earthly reflection of man's relationship with God. Nothing is supposed to get between them.

From what I've read in CD's posts, the OW is getting between them and CD's faith is being used against her to facilitate that.

Whether you put this on yourself or he's doing it CD, you need to understand that sometimes loving one another means setting strong boundaries. Sometimes it means NOT giving them what they want if what they want keeps them in sin.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
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Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage should not have even been an option on the table. No contact means no contact - that said, your husband shouldn't even know she's dying right now if your conditions for R were actually being met.

^^^This really sums up the entire situation.

Gently, I know it's undoubtedly easier to put the focus on compassion instead of the continued betrayal.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. (((CD)))

2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Exit Wounds
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Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is still alive, I am sure he will see her again.


Once is not enough? Why not just dump you off and spent the last few days/weeks/months with the one he *truly* loves?!

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
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Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like religion is being used here as an excuse to not say no to this predatory woman. A woman who has the nerve to ask for a married man to be by her bedside as she dies.

I am sorry, I don't find it compassionate. I am so hurt for the OP that she is allowing herself to be manipulated like this. What happens to the OW as she dies is between her, her family, and her God.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For what it's worth, I also allowed my H to maintain limited contact with his main AP because she was fighting cancer and I was too soft-hearted to deny a possibly dying woman some comfort. All I knew at the time was that she had sent him inappropriate photos months before and that there had been way too much texting so my situation was somewhat different, but I was being told the contact was purely to support a dying woman. It wasn't. It was actually a smokescreen to continue the A, and I later found instant message chains that proved my H's idea of comfort included online sex. Personally if I was feeling ill from cancer treatment (which she was in the message chain), I wouldn't be comforted by someone offering to get naked (as he did). Maybe I'm just not A material.

I absolutely understand wanting your H to make his own decision about seeing a dying woman for whom he has feelings, but the AP will continue to hang onto him as long as she is allowed to do so. After the NC email was sent, my H's AP attemped to get his address so she could make him the beneficiary in her will. She wanted to extend her hold even unto death.

I hope this all works out for you and I do admire your strength, but it is my experience that liars lie and it's unlikely your H and his AP are respecting your boundaries.

[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 11:44 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
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Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you've been put into this situation. But, gently, you either need to let your husband go and file for divorce or tell him there is to be no contact with her again.
Right now he is back in the affair and this time you're letting him do it. How do you even know anything he told you is true? I would be flying there myself to see her in person and tell her she will never see or speak with YOUR husband again.

Everyone is responding so strongly to this because we have all watched him harm you over the past few months. WE have your back. We care and are trying to prevent you from going through any further pain.

Hugs to you.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazy Daze
I am in awe of you. Do what YOU feel is right. You are compassionate and honourable - something the OW is not. You can hold your head up high. I hope your WS see's what an incredible woman he has. We all see it. Even the ones who disagree with your decisions, but they are your decisions and you must do what YOU feel is right.
Good Luck and please take care of yourself.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 2:04 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right thing to do? Maybe, maybe not but the fact remains, she is dying and I feel it's right to be kind and compassionate to those who are dying.

I agree. It is also the right thing to do to offer compassion to your wife whom you've already hurt deeply. Your husband is not doing that. He is thinking of himself and his wishes.

I feel, and I could be wrong, that you believe it is your duty to allow this but that you deeply wish it wasn't happening. You also stated you were going back into IC. If this is why, then your H should see the damage his continued selfishness is causing.

I understand wanting to be around people that were important, but when someone should not have been a part of your life at all, you have no right to ask them to stay, no matter how long your time on earth is.

I think, as others have said, the issue isn't how you handled this, it is how your H handled this. Are you going to discuss his actions with him, or just let it pass? He really should not have wanted to go to see this OW, knowing the destruction his relationship with her has already caused.

I, like others, would have helped him pack all of his belongings. You are kinder than I in this regard. I still do not believe that means you should give your H a pass on his desire to be a part of this woman's life once again.

I am deeply sorry you found yourself in this position. Perhaps you should go with your H to see her. Maybe then she and he would see how selfish this rekindling of the relationship is.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking back on you hon. I know this must be very difficult for you...

Hugs to all,

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I would have told the person on the phone that the last rites were a waste of time where that whore was going, hung up and went back to the TV... but that's just me.

You're a better person than I am, Crazy Daze. What is important is you do what you feel is right, since there is no right/wrong when it comes to ourselves. We do what is true for us, period.

BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CrazyDaze, I get the wanting to be compassionate, but at what cost to YOU and your heart/health/feelings? He is disregarding your feelings in order to spare HERS! She's his mistress! She deserves less than nothing from him. You will regret this.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
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Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my WH had said anything other than, "I have absolutely NO interest in going"

I would have D his sorry ass.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really struggle with this. I think I would not allow him to go and a fight goes with it but deep down inside I would probably feel bad in a way...after all she IS dying. What a horrible choice to make...

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
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Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craze, what happened to not letting any person tear a marriage apart?

Compassion can be extended without sacrificing your marriage, or encouraging infidelity. Compassion as through thoughts, prayer and heart, on your part, and no visits or phonecalls on your husband's part. That would seem to be what is called for considering your commitment to being compassionate.

Any resulting resentment, from upholding those standards, would be the responsibilty of the one feeling the resentment, not the person encouraging honoring the marriage commitment.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 10:07 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone -

The OP hasn't logged in since October 17th. Maybe hold off on posting to her until she returns.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:03 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

Posts: 35904 | Registered: Mar 2011
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