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User Topic: Flying to see her.............
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Sister 100%.

That he actually went? That she wasn't blocked from being able to communicate with him in the first place? That he honored her last request by flying to her bedside..is he going to hold her hand until she passes?

Im sorry she is dying. Im sorry for her family. But it's you that I fell the most compassion for. Your WH asked if he could fly to see his mistress..and you said yes. Ive lost family to cancer too..this woman is not your family..and she is no friend of your WH.

What you did was so incredibly unselfish.

But what he did?

Selfish..and wayward.

(((((Crazy Daze))))


ETA: My little borther was dying of a rare disease when I was in the 3rd grade..he was in the first. He spent most of that year in the hospital. His Last Rite's were read. Im very happy to say that he is now a 38 year old man...and one of my very best friends.

Last Rite's are not a foregone conclusion that the person is going to pass away.

I understand..this is different..she has cancer. And,while Im sorry for anyone in that situation...your WH should not have gone.

(((((Crazy daze)))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No sister

Not kind of resentment but resentment of not getting to have a bf or gf while married, but having the mindset that they were controlled by a spouse, wrong or right it would be there.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1570 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My spouse would never had gone because she is already dead to him. And if she isn't, then he can pack his bags, go to her, but never return to me.

I don't see any compassion in this at all. OP, I know you must be hurting very much. Big hugs to you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Randomthoughts, but don't the WS's feel we are being controlling when we "make" them go NC with the AP's? Don't they feel we are controlling when we set up boundaries? Do they resent us? No, not if they are truly remorseful and they understand what healthy relationships are.
My spouse would never had gone because she is already dead to him. And if she isn't, then he can pack his bags, go to her, but never return to me.
Totally agree with Rebreather.

((((Crazy Daze))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the fact that your WH even considered going, and his asking you if he could go is the issue.

It shouldn't be up to you to decide. You aren't a cop, or his mother.

He should have told you about the phone call and ended it there. Indifference towards OW is the goal here, IMO. Obviously he is not indifferent.

I'm sorry he put you in that position.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36696 | Registered: Sep 2007
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister

Yes a truly remorseful way ward will not see it as controlling or be resentful because hopefully by that time its seen as protecting oneself and the family from harm by the foggy wayward and the other person.

But her husband is not quite there yet, he might the he is but jumping on that plane is telling all of us something different.

When he comes to his senses or while he's coming out of the fog the downside of that will include fights he will try to turn it around as her being controlling and mean that he didn't get to say his goodbye.

Daze might not be able to recover from this if her anger breaks through, she is a Saint and I hope that her wayward gets his act together.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1570 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did what you believed was right. That is best anyone can ever do.

Now, the best outcome might be if H arrives "a little too late". That way, you know you did your best, H did what he thought was called for, and if she is disappointed, she gets to take that up with her Maker. What could be more fair than that?


Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see your point, Random. Yeah, Daze is a saint and I frankly wouldn't /couldn't be a saint and put up with this sort of thing. Not saying that is the only way to go, though.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fully agree with your decision; it was a christian gift to the OW and speaks well of your compassionate nature.

I also agree that your FWH is a lucky man to have a wife with such a forgiving soul.


Posts: 1695 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My spouse would never had gone because she is already dead to him. And if she isn't, then he can pack his bags, go to her, but never return to me.

^^^What Rebreather said.

Also agree with Sister.

...and confused615.


Posts: 7394 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, dying doesn't give someone a free pass. She should be begging to see Crazy Daze to ask for forgiveness. As for him going, I believe it just validates their relationship and that is very disrespectful to Crazy Daze. A remorseful spouse does NOT ask to see an affair partner, regardless of the circumstances!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jun 2007
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last Rite's are not a foregone conclusion that the person is going to pass away.

That was my second thought - just after my first thought that CD is amazingly compassionate, loving, and giving. It was the Christian thing to do and because of that I pray for you that your husband realizes what a GIFT he has in you. I have a very deep faith (although my language sometimes contradicts that) and I honestly don't know that I could have done the same. It's not that I am a heartless person - it's just that I don't give a damn about her or what happens to her.

You all know from my going on an on about it how Shrek has ingratiated herself all into the life of my in-laws. Every time I look up there is her fugly face just waiting for an opportunity to pounce on my husband. We had a death in the family earlier this year and sure enough she was at the funeral bawling her eyes out and drawing all kinds of attention to herself. Yet, there I sat, not 10 feet from the casket wishing it was her in it. Shame on me, but I bow to you CD for your strength, forgiveness, and compassion. Bravo.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 522 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What motivated you to acquiesce to this? Relief that OW would be gone forever?

I think it was a terrible idea. Not selfless and loving, but confusing and destructive.

Your husband is sharing end-of-life intimacies with another woman. One he loves.

I don't know if you've ever gone through death with a loved one, but it is a sacred and VERY intimate time.

I would NOT want my WH with his OW during this intensely intimate time.

It would cement her specialness in his mind. Poor, martyred OW, living without him until he gallantly shows up to declare undying love at her side, as she lies on her deathbed?

I'm afraid the intimacies they share will haunt the remainder of your marriage.

You've invited OW back into your lives. Only now, her spirit will be omnipresent. I know your intentions were generous, but I think this was very, very unwise.

I hope you keep peace with this. It makes me cringe.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldnt do this. Over is over. Its supposed to be over..... What does she want? DOes she want to sit and talk about the past? She could have left a letter. He should have refused to go.... Again, you are not put first. Which means she is.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he put you into a unconscionable position and manipulated your feelings of compassion and grief over your own losses.

That you took the high road and agrees speaks volumes of your sense of grace and dignity.

That he asked to do this speaks volumes of his disrespect for you.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he put you into a unconscionable position and manipulated your feelings of compassion and grief over your own losses.
Crazy Daze said that her WH didn't ask. However, he shouldn't have even gotten the call in the first place. In the second place, even if you did offer, he should have refused. I feel you are projecting your situation with your dear friend onto this situation, Crazy Daze. They aren't comparable at all.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the fact that he went to her is going to be the final nail in the coffin.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7711 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would send him packin permanently.
She should of already been dead to him!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Crazy daze)))
I hope this works out for you.
Me, I would have helped him pack....everything.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6445 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning, Crazy Daze.

How are you feeling today?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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