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Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

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User Topic: Flying to see her.............
Crazy Daze
♀ Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW called and asked to see my FWH. She is in hospice and has already had Last Rites.

FWH told me of her call and her request and I didn't hesitate with my response.

I said he should go. I din't make him ask or beg, just that he should go.

I lost a friend to cancer last year and I just felt he should go.

I booked his flights and packed his bag and now he's flying to see her while I sit here all alone, wondering if it was the right thing to do.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CrazyDaze, you are a good person. I am not sure I could have done it.

In my mind you did the most generous, selfless thing you could have done. I am in awe of you.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, but I think it was a terrible thing to do. Send a WS to see their AP because they've had their "last rights" read? I wonder how many people who are that ill can actually make a phone call and how legit this really is.

Honestly, it feels like you've validated their entire affair in that one action. I fear this will haunt you. I hope I'm wrong.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Crazy Daze)))

That is one of the most compassionate acts I have ever heard. You must be a remarkable Woman. I hope your FWH realizes just how lucky he is to have you.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5630 | Registered: Aug 2007
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If someone who had stolen from me called from Hospice for my FWW, I would wonder why she wanted to travel away from me to be there with that person.

Maybe, with confession, apology, restoration for my loss, and sincere jail house conversion.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4105 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MissMouseMo
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happened speaks volumes about you both. He told you immediately and you were compassionate beyond words.

No matter what happens, your generosity and kindness are admirable.

I would be proud to call you my friend - and I would hope to be as benevolent and humane as you are.


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 263 | Registered: Feb 2013
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Shocked  Posted: 1:04 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter what happens, your generosity and kindness are admirable.

I would be proud to call you my friend - and I would hope to be as benevolent and humane as you are.


I agree with MissMouseMo, you exude extraordinary compassion.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jul 2012
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a kind act, but likely a bad one for your relationship with you your husband. I feel it would paint such relationships in a positive light for your WH, ie "even my wife knew what we had was special"

Posts: 202 | Registered: Jun 2012
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really though, a very kind and brave thing to do.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 2:27 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jun 2012
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazy Daze,

If I can ask, what kind of boundaries do you feel he will have around her? Is he planning to go to honor their pre-A friendship, or is he going to honor their romantic history?

Will he be checking in with you while he's gone? Giving you transparency? How long will he be away? Where will he be staying, and what will he be doing with her? Does hospice mean that she cannot leave there, or is she going out to do "one last time" type of things? How involved will he be with her while he is there? Or is he going there for when she passes to be by her?

Before he left, did he seem concerned about how painful this might be to you? Did he worry that going there might be disrespecting you and your M and did he talk with you about it?

What are YOUR boundaries around this? How are YOU feeling tonight?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3898 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read another thread you wrote in July that your H broke NC then and emailed her a birthday greeting after 2 years. And he didn't check with you first, there wasn't transparency.

I think you have a very big heart. I also think your H choosing to go is very hurtful. Especially in light of him unilaterally choosing to email her three months ago and break NC, I am very concerned that he's not making you and your M together a priority right now. I would worry that there might be other instances of broken NC and that, in spite of the OW's health, the A is going on again. But that's from hearing about these two instances. I hope I am incorrect.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3898 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Youre a lot nicer than I could ever be. I wouldnt even have thought of her dying. I wouldnt wish her pain and I wouldnt wish her non-pain. Iwould also flip I my h asked to be by her side.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8212 | Registered: Sep 2007
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the stolen comment. I consider myself a compassionate person, but to me the OW does not desereve this, If she cannot be surrounded by loved ones due to her choices, then that is her life, and why, even on her death bed, she is wishing to poach your husband?

Let her write a letter if she wants to get stuff off her chest. What she better be asking for is forgiveness.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are showing such compassion. I hope that if something like that ever happened to me and my WS that I would do exactly what you did. Yes, I agree she doesn't deserve any decent treatment after what she did, but without a doubt, you are indeed the better person.

Posts: 998 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
StepAside
♀ Member
Member # 29826
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a very generous act of compassion. I know that I am not capable of such a magnificent act. At the very least, I would expect nothing less than an apology from her deathbed to ME, in person, not for my WH to be holding his whore's hand for drama and effect. But that is me, and I am speaking from my own perspective.


Me 48yrs, douche midlife crisis poster boy- 50yrs
too many A's to bother to count, he is a predator that targets loosers like himself
Last Dday April 12/10-Divorcing
We live in a world where the fear of illusion is real

Posts: 1511 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Ingersoll Ontario
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is if he's going to cheat again he really doesn't need Crazy Daze permission to do so.

You gave your husband another wonderful gift if he chooses to f--k this up that's on him and you will know what road to take.

You're not his mommy or his P.O. so this will show you where his mind is, in your marriage wanting it to work or going through the motions.

Plus if you didn't do this I believe it would have bred resentment in him, and might have stewed and not because he viewed as missing a goodbye, but because you were controlling him (in his mind) .


You are a truly compassionate person and I do hope he sees that.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel it was compassionate and foolish of you.

I can't fucking believe your FWH actually chose to go see her. Why didn't you go with?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plus if you didn't do this I believe it would have bred resentment in him,
The same kind of resentment our WS's get when we don't let them have a boyfriend/girlfriend?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband is a very lucky man, to have such a special woman in his life (you) and this world is a better place because you are in it.

I don't think either your WS or the OW "deserved" you compassion and I feel sad that he decided to go. But you, my friend, can look at yourself in the mirror and know you are a good, decent human being.

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 9:17 AM, October 13th, 2013 (Sunday)]


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
welcome14
♀ Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I agree with the PP about how you acted, but I think that if he was fully remorseful, the thought of easing her mind at the expense of your ease should have prevented him even wanting to go. He should see that she was not a true friend after she helped him destroy you and almost him. That is not what a true friend does, just a simple, shallow, greedy person. Just my opinion of course....I hope you are taking care of yourself, you need to put yourself and your feelings first right now.

ETA: how does someone who have had last rights make a phone call? It means death is imminent. When Mom died from cancer she was completely out of it for two days beforehand...

[This message edited by welcome14 at 9:27 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1169 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
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