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User Topic: I'm beginning to think I am just crazy...
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel just so out of my mind. Every time I vow to just stop digging and focus on ME then I realize I am continuing to dog. Digging about whether there was more than Wh admitted to, he only admitted to what I found out on my own. Digging about whether our relationship was healthy to begin with. Digging about whether or not Wh is actually an abusive sociopath and is sooo good at conning me I can't even see it. I am overanalyzing everything and it is consuming me. I'm so very confused and I'm not sure I even know what is real anymore. I really think WS is trying. He seems so remorseful and has done many things to try to make things right. He's agreed to IC and MC. We already have our first appts set up next week, can't come fast enough. So why do I keep looking for more pieces of the story? Why do I vilianize him so much?
I don't know if it's depression, co-dependency, the effects of his betrayal, or I have some crazy personality disorder. Maybe a combination?

I do know I am sad and I'm tired of pretending. I've put on a happy face for so long and forced myself to function. Really all I want to do is check out. I just can't do this anymore.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cll31,

Your world as you knew it was blown up. Reality as you knew it turned out to be a lie. You want to make sure what you know lines up with what is really going on. You are not crazy. People are throwing around co-dependency a lot on these forums lately. What a BS experiences is more akin to PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It can go on for a long time. I wish I could give you a like to something related to that, but I don't have time to search right now. Hopefully someone else will stop by your thread with a link. Look it up on the internet, and you will see your behaviors lining up with that.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtbuthopeful- I will look it up. Thank you.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with obsessing so much. I try not to think of new ways to "catch" him, but I do fall into the same old traps.

One thing that I have realized is that being the detective hurts me. It makes me anxious and crazy. I remind myself that I am harming myself when the urges start and that no piece of info is worth my peace.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're definitely not crazy.

How can you know if you can possibly forgive and reconcile, if you are not sure if you know (fully) what you're dealing with. You know one thing for sure, the person who is telling you what happened has betrayed you and lied to you. I'd be digging for more information, too.

I can't shed any light on the reconciliation process, since I haven't experienced it. It's easy to see it is a difficult road under the best of circumstances. A marriage is built on promises (vows), commitment and trust. When those things are blown apart, they can never be put back together, but instead have to be rebuilt with something new. The starting point is a remorseful spouse. I never had that, so it was clear to me that reconciliation would not be our outcome. It seems that your H is remorseful, so hope exits. Good luck to you.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I continued to dig after people told me to stop, I kept finding stuff. Are you still finding stuff? My STBX gaslit me for our entire marriage. Did your WH gaslight you? If he did, then you probably have good reason for needing to search for the truth.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 6

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