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User Topic: I Need Validation That My Plan Is OK
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Question  Posted: 1:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to give you some background. We are right smack dab in the middle of affair season. This part of affair season was ended with WH having sex in my bed with OW within 24 hours of giving birth to our third child.
The OC she was pregnant with was aborted a couple weeks later. So November is huge trigger month.

So. Baby's first birthday is on the 4th. I don't feel up to a party with anyone. Especially grandparents who don't know about the affair. I'm afraid I could trigger or have an anxiety attack. I just want a quiet celebration to take back the day if you will.

His mom is particularly an issue. She is emotional and her ex had cheated in her. I know if she knows the truth that it will trigger her. MIL is still upset about us telling her she couldn't come over right after DDay. I was having a bad day and couldn't handle it. We almost never say no to her visiting. Last time I was at my moms house I had an anxiety attack and it was awful. She is a mess emotionally as well.

So WH says his mom will be upset. I don't care as I'm trying to protect her right now. He says he understands, but I don't feel 100% supported. He says that he is done with the affair. I say that I'm not healed yet and neither is our marriage.

I just want space and for our little family if 5 to quietly celebrate our baby together . Am I off base here? Am I overreacting? I figure there will be lots more birthdays.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're off base at all. Your immediate family and your own mental well being should be a priority.

I think if he explains it that you're just celebrating at home quietly the 5 of you, that's enough.

If she's upset, that's hers to own.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36626 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MsRukia, I think you are right on with your instincts to keep it small and peaceful. You have to take care of yourself here, whether or not WH 100% supports you. You don't have to share your reasons with anyone. You could, if you like, just say you aren't feeling good and are not up to a party, but that folks can stop by the week after to wish the baby happy birthday?

You are allowed to do what you need to do. (((MsRukia)))


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you wish to have a small, immediate family bday party for your child, then do it. You have to do what is right for you

As for protecting your mil from feelings she may have due to her ds cheating on you, I think thats too much responsibility for you to carry. Your mil is a big girl. She is adult enough to be responsible enough to handle her own emotions. I say focus on yourself and your immediate family.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
broken81
♀ Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont worry about your MIL just do what is right for you. A one year old will not remember if they had a big party or just a small but peaceful day.
This is a day that you need to take back, do that however you need to.


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 232 | Registered: Sep 2012
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right where you are at. At this point my priorities are me and my kids. That being said we have missed my mil's bday and grandma's bday. When my kids bday come around, I don't plan on clecbrating outside of our immediate family which will be a huge change from the past. Y'know what? Too bad. I'm putting me first for once. Do what you need to do for you and your kids and don't let anyone make u feel bad about it.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the input everyone. It feels nuts, but sometimes I still think I'm not seeing things well. ((Sigh)) the joys of recovering from an affair. You have to think of things you never would have before. You have conversations you would never have imagined.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the input everyone. It feels nuts, but sometimes I still think I'm not seeing things well. ((Sigh)) the joys of recovering from an affair. You have to think of things you never would have before. You have conversations you would never have imagined.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't feel nuts do what you need to do for you and your kids and if someone doesn't like it that's too damn bad.

As far as worrying about all these extraneous people stop. The only person you have control of is you and possibly your kids for a short time, but that's it. People will feel what they want/need to. That in NO way reflects on you. The sooner you can let that go the happier, and stronger you can be.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone. My two cents is not to carry all this and take the brunt of any "hurt" feelings. Let your husband deliver the messages.

It will get better.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tush and Four. I do need to let it go and not worry about it. They are adults and are entitled to feel how they want about things. I have no control over this. ((Sigh)) my co-dependentness still makes it hard sometimes.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep it as small as you can handle. Parties are overwhelming especially when your not up to it. Geez can't mil realize there are parties in the future, its a one year old, she sounds like a big ol baby herself. I always kept our kids first bday , just our family, the kids are so young and there are plenty she can attend later. Don't feel guilty over this, no reason to.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4728 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 12

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