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User Topic: 4 mo's out and feeling hopeless
CATransplant
♀ Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woke up this morning feeling mixed up as usual. H and I have had many discussions about A, his reasoning, (' still I dont know or remember ') what we want, and how to proceed. I am still freeking out regularly in tears. I still feel unwanted, but understand where it may come from and I cant hold H at total fault although he is getting the blunt of the fallout. We have good buddy days, but things go bad everyday we crawl into bed at night. I understand my head is saying one thing, but my heart has it's own agenda. The heart wins out and we are riding the roller coaster again. My to little to late attitude is causing so many issues. Lucky for me H seems to be patient and tries to comfort me despite my insistence to withdraw and close off. He tries to let me know how my actions affect him and what he will attempt to try. (I don't give him much encouragement, this I know) I am so hurt and clinging to myself for comfort. I do trust in him and I do beleive him when he tells me that he made the bigest mistike in his life and that he will spend the rest of it making me happy. My issue is that I am not sure just how much I can move my learned responses out of the way so that we can connect. I still feel nothing warm for him. If he is in trouble I feel that loving panic and want to protect, but sex and closeness are only a play right now. We are so off physically that I usually cry myself to sleep. I know I leave him frustrated and feeling like a looser. I am slowly crushing his spirit. I hate myself for this. I still find his remarks to me suspect and don't believe anything good he says about myself. I am still trolling for compliments from strange men. Boy this is no way to work on a marriage, but I need the ego boost. I am not proud of myself for any of this. I am still busy reading anything that may help me but feel like even though I gain knowledge, I lack the skills to implement the skills. I have more questions than answers. My family life is falling apart and because of where I am emotionally, I have not lifted a finger to fix anything. Oh lord, I feel like such a failure. One mistake on his part has opened up so much pain and problems that I don't know if my life will ever be happy again. I have lost so much of myself that I have nothing left to give anyone. It taking all I have left for me, I certainly hope not. That would make me so sad that I could not express the feelings. In four months I have gone from a happy confident person to a large puddle of shit. I don't like me anymore. I can't see that I have anything good to give anyone. Me 59 BS WH 53 EM 12/12 PH 05/26/2013 DD 06/12/2013


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our D-days are so close. It's been a hell ride that is for sure, but give yourself a break. This is serious crap we've been dealt. Are you in IC?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
CATransplant
♀ Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response. No IC is not financially an option at present. I am still without job and nothing on the horizon. I have been reading SI posts and as many books as I can get my hands on. I have few good days but my nights are the worst. Sleeping means nightmares and a huge elephant which sits on my chest and eats my stomach. My H has bee wonderful as broken people go, and he is patient and overly caring. He tries to comfort me but my emotions are so mixed that I choose to disengage from him to keep anger from rearing its ugly head. I dont want to lash out at him again. All I can do is sob as he holds me. The tighter he holds me the more primal the sobbing is. I seem to become physically sick when he touches me for any length of time these last few days. This reaction I do not understand and it scares me. I have bolted out of bed on more than one occasion only to throw up . javascript:AddSmily(' ') My anxiety level is through the roof, more now than when I found out about his activities and shortly after processing A. I feel like a broken shell ready to disappear one piece at a time.


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CATransplant))) Infidelity is so damaging to our spirit......and it takes time to heal whether one reconciles or not.

Please go easy on yourself. You are still so new on this ride. For many of us, myself included, the shock of the betrayal wears off months after Dday and the pain is raw....rage and anger set in for me about 8-9 months out from Dday.

Best advice I received when I came to SI was that I didn't have to make any life changing decisions for a year....to just take good care of myself. It took about that long for me to get through the pain so I could focus on healing and my H was remorseful and has done whatever he can to help me heal and build a new marriage. Heading toward four years out now, I can say I am happy again and life is good and our marriage, though changed, is a good one. I am glad I stayed and so is H.

Keep reading, keep posting, journal your feelings and take good care of yourself. Things will get better but first we have to get through the pain to get to the other side.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
CATransplant
♀ Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alex, thank you for your kind words. I truly hear and will think about what you and everyone else is telling me. I know in my head that what you say is sound and i except what lies before me. I struggle daily to find the strength to move forward and when I do make some sort of progress, night falls and I find myself back where I began this road, in a very large black hole. I am sure that at some point I will find me in that pit. I will be able to pick me up, dust me off, patch the wounds and start my climb out. At this point I don't have the will to face her, the strength to carry her, or the wisdom to explain just what put her here in the first place. I know in my heart that all of you here on SI have or are in process of doing those very things. The road before this hole was long and winding but had bright light to see it with and trust to guide us. I no longer have trust which has cast me into this darkness where I fell a long ways. I will continue to feel around until I find me. Hopefully I will find solise in knowing that I have so many people on SI who do care. Thank you.


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
CATransplant
♀ Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alex, thank you for your kind words. I truly hear and will think about what you and everyone else is telling me. I know in my head that what you say is sound and i except what lies before me. I struggle daily to find the strength to move forward and when I do make some sort of progress, night falls and I find myself back where I began this road, in a very large black hole. I am sure that at some point I will find me in that pit. I will be able to pick me up, dust me off, patch the wounds and start my climb out. At this point I don't have the will to face her, the strength to carry her, or the wisdom to explain just what put her here in the first place. I know in my heart that all of you here on SI have or are in process of doing those very things. The road before this hole was long and winding but had bright light to see it with and trust to guide us. I no longer have trust which has cast me into this darkness where I fell a long ways. I will continue to feel around until I find me. Hopefully I will find solise in knowing that I have so many people on SI who do care. Thank you.


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 6

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