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On DD I found out about an affair that lasted over 3 months when all his others were ONS or two weeks or so. He claims he was trying to break up with her but didn't know how on DD.

What does this prove? That they knew it was wrong or that it makes them feel better to use someone they are about to break up with?

Or, they used a standard line used by Waywards when they're busted.

My FWH tried several times to break up with OW before DDay and before I found out for sure about the A but guess what.... after the last DDay he really pined for OW a while so I think they go a bit mental in some ways as his initial emotion wasn't relief!!

What does this prove?

Sadly, it likely proves that he's still lying to you.

I was told the same thing. He didn't know how to get out of it. He was afraid breaking up would cause her to go ballistic and tell me. (Like that would have been worse than living in the dark, knowing something was horribly wrong, and wondering just what, about ME, was so bad that I couldn't connect with him.)

Yeah. He was "just about to break up with her."

Only he wasn't, and didn't, and ...well, probably still hasn't. They're probably still "just friends." (They were not just friends.)

(FWIW, my husband was--is-- a ONS, stranger-sex kind of guy until the "last" affair--and "falling in love" really did throw him for a loop. He really had every intention of staying married, and "staying" with OW. Only, he still was cheating--"on her" with strangers. Be careful. If your husband has a history of ONSs, he may still be carrying on.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:01 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Clearly, I'm losing my mind. Sorry!

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:54 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

I heard that line, too! In our situation, there was complete relief. There was no pining away for the OW. He felt trapped. I knew there was something wrong for months, kept asking him. After DDay, as I put on my detective hat, I found evidence of this. At first. plans were made weeks in advance and towards the end they were made a day in advance of their meeting. So, I can see his point of view. However he went about it, it was not the right way in my eyes. He was a coward.

I think, for my FWH, he was in a place, with a co-worker, that made him very vulnerable. He was the CEO. She kept reminding him of his vulnerability.

He had this vision that when someone has a gun to your head, you back away slowly so they can't shoot you in the back if you run. Where he got that idea, I'll never know, as I would never put myself in that position.

I also had to say, he knew I was really on to the GF...he was really busted the night before DDay...so, he told me as they parted for the last time...she said, "When am I going to see you again(as she always met him when he traveled for business), he said to her..."I have no plans. I don't want to do this anymore, it's making me sick."

I think alot of that is bullshit, it's the wayward shock mode talk....but he ended it immediately, told his AP that he was relieved he got caught, was not going to tell her to her face ever and was not going to give up 35 years for her or anyone else and desperately wanted to repair the damage he had inflicted. The OW confirmed this information...it was about "having a little fun" WTF???

He just did know where to start, unfortunately.

I heard that also. Text messages I intercepted indicate otherwise.

I've seen that expression written here more times than I care to count. It's a pretty standard response to getting caught.

It's a form of minimization.

Perhaps It doesn't seem so bad or require harsh consequences since they were going to break it off on their own. I wouldn't put too much stock in it. It doesn't change anything.

Unfortunately, my wife had no intentions of ending her affair. It was my discovery of it that ended it. She'd probably still be leading her secret life today if I hadn't found out. She was having fun, and didn't think she'd ever be caught. She was right for 20 months.

I got that line as well. Turns out there was no truth to it at all.

On DDay1? Nope, they had just started to get hot and heavy.

On DDay2 when I learned of the priors? They'd been over for a long time.

Oh yeah, mine said this too. Affair thrives on romantic drama. If it gets too steady--it wouldn't feel so exciting.

The noble love sacrifice, the thrill of secret reunions, (cue violins).

Ooh yeah he told me he was starting to get bored and that it was dwindling down!!!!

Right mother fucker that's why I found the condom in the car you took the day before I found out.

They are full of shit

I found out about an affair that lasted over 3 months when all his others were ONS or two weeks or so.

So the other ONS do not matter to you? But the one where he was in for 3 months is the question you are asking?

I think it is very hard for a BS to see the forest for the trees. If he is a multiple cheater then I think you are the one who has to decide what you want to do. If you are accepting the fact that he does this alot but are only worried about the ones that last "too long" then my plan for you would be to see what inside you keeps allowing this to go on and want this guy?

I feel for you. I do. There does come a time where you stop all of it. You don't want to be with someone who wants to be with other people. I hope you find that.

I found out on DD because fWW and I were at a party and she was trying to arrange another rendezvous with him by email.

She claims she was going to meet him and tell him no more sex but they can be friends from then on.

I read all the messages and there was no hint of that in any of them. I told her I don't believe her and she just shrugs her shoulders and turns away.

Yeah it ended that day, but it was only because I found out.

I found out by reading his phone. It suggested something had happened but wasn't at the time. I later found out she ended just about a month prior and he was "heartbroken".

Not sure how to get over that...

He's f*cking lying.

He's lying about how long affair lasted. Double the number, and then triple it.

And quite frankly, it's still going on.

I heard the exact same time frame from ex but that he had broke up with her two weeks earlier before I had found out. ALL LIES.

Everything coming out of his mouth now is a lie.

H didn't have what it took to break it off; he told me he was hoping OW would find someone else and be the one to break it off... typical p/a crap that I've lived with forever.

He uses the phrase he "was trying to taper off". (Thats so stupid.) He used the lines of he was trying to end things, ditch her blah blah. He was afraid she was going to tell me and freak out because of the messages she would leave when he would stop answering and returning calls.

I KNOW that he did avoid answering and not return calls and she kept persisting. I know this from phone records.

I know from both of them that they hadnt met in a couple of months .

But it doesnt really matter because no matter if he had the intentions he didnt have the balls to totally end it. Eventually he would cave and call her back. On DDay he grew a pair, shut and locked the door in her face and tossed the key. He should have done it long before...like the first time she flirted with him.

I do think that him wanting out beforehand is the reason why it was so easy for him to do but it doesnt really make me feel better.

I think odds are if he hadnt been caught he would still be doing that back and forth.

[This message edited by broken81 at 3:35 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

It proves he is lying to you or trying to minimize what he did. It also proves he knew what he was doing was wrong.

Really I supposed I had a few D-days over the course of a couple of months. I found a message in May I think that didn't sit right with me and he deleted it shortly afterwards. Red flag. So I started monitoring him. I would occasionally log into his facebook. I already had full access to his e-mail because it goes directly to our cell phone and alerts me when there is a new e-mail. I began noticing him flirting more and more with a co-worker. Sometimes they would talk about work and sometimes they would just talk about whatever. There were lots of winks and teasing behaviors. Then one day they went on about teasing each other about wanting a piece and him claiming he was caramel and tastated good. I almost lost it and confronted him then but I waited one more day. I realized that I was missing things because some parts of their conversation was incomplete. So the next day I decided I was going to sit all day logged into his facebook and just watch. The morning they didn't chat much although he did say it was sweet she was thinking about him the night before. Then around 2pm it got GOOD. They started talking about sex, how they like it, it's "all the better" that she was too old to get pregnant, etc. I was livid and couldn't wait any longer. I confronted him that night. I asked him the other night what he thought would have happened if I hadn't put a stop to it. He really said, "Nothing because I know it was wrong and I had decided that I wouldn't do it anymore." LMAO Yeah right. They will say anything to take the heat off of them and make it appear not as bad as you think it is. They did know it was wrong, but here's the thing.....THEY DID IT ANYWAYS!

He claims he was trying to break up with her but didn't know how on DD. What does this prove?

It proves he's a liar and trying to do damage control because you found out and the shit was going to hit the fan.

My WH tried to hand me this line of bullshit, and I showed him my copies of his cell phone records, where he was calling her twice a week, and I said it sure doesn't look like you were thinking of breaking up with her, now does it? I told him it's important to be honest with himself at the very least.

He later admitted that he would have kept seeing her if I hadn't found out.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 4:05 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]