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User Topic: He says he thinks Im making some of this stuff up
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think its because hes having a hard time seeing the way his A has affected me. Weight loss, anxiety, anger, depression, stress, sleep deprivation....you all know how long the list of A side effects.

H's friend from work got his car fixed so he rode with him to work today. Hes at the job where the whore works as well. I flip out on those days. Its all I can do to not become a raging, angry lunatic. Im still new to this 'game' so of course most of these days I lose the battle of the wills and flip out.

H called me about an hour before his lunch break, after our 15 min conversation on his first break about how all this has affected me and all the feelings etc etc. He asked that if he could get a half day of vacation approved from his boss if I would want to come pick him up from work. He says he wants to spend a few hours with me before I go to work. He gets it approved and I get the kids ready and we make the 45 minute drive to his work.

About 15 minutes away from there I'm pretty sure I had a panic/anxiety attack. I realize I'm about to be very close to the OW. The OW I haven't seen in person but know exactly what she looks like thanks to Facebook. I literally felt like I couldn't breath, I felt like I was in a fog, light headed, tears, shallow breaths that didn't seem to be supplying any oxygen. The minutes couldn't tick by fast enough, several times I thought of turning around and not even going but I couldn't stop driving.

I get there and have to pull it together bc H is outside with his supervisor and besides I need to compose myself in case I need to beat the ass off that little whore. I have a really strong fantasy of that, makes me happy to think of her hurting physically but I know in time that will pass, please don't judge me

H gets in the car, I'm still in a daze, he asks to drive. I'm like no I got this just sit there and don't speak bc I'm pissed. As soon as we get back on the road I start bawling, and freaking out again. Repeat all of the above from the ride there.

Suddenly he says "Damn baby! Are you serious? After all this time you're still like this? I'm starting to think you're making some of this shit up?" Wait! What. The. Eff?!?!?! Hell no you did NOT just say that!

I yanked my hand away from his and directed him to not speak or touch me the rest of the way home. I just couldn't believe he would say something like that.

He tried for over an hour to take it back. He said he didn't mean it, its so hard to see me this way, he understands hes the reason I'm hurting, hes the reason I'm having all these issues, hes the reason Im depressed etc. Hes so sorry please lets have a good afternoon let him make it up to me, he loves me all the right things I guess. Then he starts scrubbing the bathroom, I guess in an attempt to show me how sorry he is.

How does he even think that saying something like that was appropriate? I can understand things slipping out but really? That? You cant fake something like this, how do you fake this kind of pain? Its not like I'm pretending to be sick so I can skip school, this is real serious stuff!


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't get it. He lacks empathy. What you're going through is not only reality, it's normal for someone who has experienced the trauma of betrayal.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[This message edited by h0peless at 8:05 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW said all my crying and pain and sleepless night and triggers were me doing those things deliberately to make her feel bad. Then she told me it was not working.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3428 | Registered: Sep 2007
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days he seems to be really remorseful, other days he just seems to not get it. Its very confusing. Just the other day he was so good and then he has to pop off with some stupid comments. Then retracts and says he just cant stand what he did and hates that I'm hurting and wishes it never happened.

Do waywards got through a roller coaster the way the betrayeds do? Obviously with different emotions though


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine says the same thing but words and actions are a different story what is he doing to help ease the hurt he caused because mine isn't doing crop

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He tries to comfort me when he knows Im having a moment. He does try to do night things and say nice things but after a few days it seems that I need to flip out again so he will start acting right and stop acting like it never happened.


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suddenly he says "Damn baby! Are you serious? After all this time you're still like this? I'm starting to think you're making some of this shit up?" Wait! What. The. Eff?!?!?! Hell no you did NOT just say that!

Oh dear. All.this.time?
you're...two months from DDAY
A wayward pointed out to me (which I do agree with) on another thread that we have to accept that most waywards have shitty coping skills so soon after DDAY. It's a sad and harsh reality

BUT

He tried for over an hour to take it back. He said he didn't mean it, its so hard to see me this way, he understands hes the reason I'm hurting, hes the reason I'm having all these issues, hes the reason Im depressed etc. Hes so sorry please lets have a good afternoon let him make it up to me, he loves me all the right things I guess.

Is a really positive sign. Yes as another poster pointed out he lacks empathy but I will add, IN THAT MOMENT.

Then he starts scrubbing the bathroom, I guess in an attempt to show me how sorry he is.

Now I know you're in pain but imagine life's a sitcom that's pretty funny!
Maybe it's how you worded it but it brought a smile to my face in a dark humor sort of way. I hope a small part of you can recognise that (I know it's hard)

Also he's actually demonstrated two really core things to you today, through getting half a day off and the bathroom (initiative) and that these are two acts of service. Which pretty much indicates to me that his love language is acts of service. It's really interesting because I've never really seen such a strong example on SI of this before.

Also I want to point out, laughing at my wayward really helped in the early stages. I'll share a story to you

Wh goes to work, a new job an hour and a half early, I realise this when i'm at home. I see he's there on find my iphone. I post on SI we all think uhoh it's gone underground. I'm in tears, yelling at him in my head. Go through bank account there's $200 gone. OMG he's with Main OW. I though he didn't have feelings for her

He comes home with me saying "I don't want to hear excuses I just want you gone"
He looks shocked "what did I do wrong", I ofcourse roll eyes and say what he has done explicitly

He looks defeated upset and shows that he put a new engagement ring for me on layby

My point is: in the early and I find even now stages my wayward still has no fricken clue what we go through.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People who lack empathy really cannot fathom the depth of feeling others experience.

It was excruciating for me, after D-day, to learn that my husband had no capacity for empathy. He'd faked it fairly well over the years---intelligent people with certain personality disorders can do this quite convincingly.

But he was utterly devoid of it. He still thinks my sobbing on the floor was a show I put on simply to annoy him.

I hope your WH is only temporarily devoid of empathy---that he emerges from the fog and can better relate to your pain.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8545 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You asked a question.

Do waywards got through a roller coaster the way the betrayeds do?

I really do think that WWs do. Especially those that are on the remorseful side of the scale. At least that's what I see with my FWH. But it took me some time to be able to not only notice it, but to reach out to him when possible, when he was heading down.

Mind you, a comment like the one that your WH made would have put me into a rage. And I do remember my FWH making comments like that that underscored that he really was either clueless about how his actions made tsunami-waves through my brain and body, or that he was in such despair that I would ever have a decent, let alone good day around him, that he let all of his fears give voice. Usually stupidly.

His actions afterwards really do indicate to me, that he bought himself a clue and was trying to apologize in any way he could think of. I know it hurt, and hurt badly. But he stayed with you and tried to mitigate it instead of storming off and leaving you in your pain. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 9

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