[This message edited by Razor at 4:33 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]
But it's not like I didn't know such animals existed prior to D Day. My wife is the one who let me down. I can't ever forget that. Because to turn the focus away from her and on this shadowy figure who's really no different than millions like him throughout the world is a form of denial and rugsweeping IMO.
It's very common on this site, especially in the General forum, to see people rage against the AP. I suppose that's cathartic to a certain extent. I wouldn't piss on my wife's OM if he was on fire, so understand the feeling. It's probably OK as long as the rage isn't used to deflect from your spouse, the real source of your pain. I think that too many on this site like to believe that their spouse was some innocent who was beguiled and charmed beyond their ability to resist. When the truth oftentimes is that they were looking for some excitement and just didn't give a shit about you or the kids while in the fog. Until they got caught and were shocked back to reality, out of the land of unicorns and rainbows.
That's a brutal reality for many BS' to process - he/she just didn't give a damn about me at the time. But it was true in my case and probably in just about every other case. We would like to at least think that there was some huge internal struggle going on, but if anything my wife seemed happier and more content that she had in years during her A. And why not? She was being adored and serviced by two men. Got to have the stable home life with the nice house, working professional husband, kids, PTA, etc., and the dancing, partying life with her lover. Cake eating at its finest.
Double betrayals are a different story, I'm sure. This is bad enough when you don't know the OM, I can't imagine having to deal with the reality that a close relative or best friend did this to you. But obsessing over some clown your wife worked with, or some random guy who picked her up in a nightclub, or someone she met online in some sleazy chat room, is a waste of psychic energy IMO. He's still out there, he's still doing what he does, and he's still a walking, talking virus. A black hole pretending to be a person. Odds are pretty good he'll die miserable and alone one day, or with someone just like him. Live well and let God, karma, and/or fate take care of him.
And yes, I still have my moments. But I consciously try to focus on MY cheating wife, and not the random POSER who crossed paths with her. My wife's POSER would have probably screwed all of your wives, and your wives POSERs would have probably screwed my wife. They shouldn't feel too flattered, because these guys aren't known for having high standards. Exhibit A would be their choice of our wives - women who they know are cheaters. We're not talking about high class operators here, gents.
It's not always easy to do, but I'm trying to assign my wife's OM to the trash heap of her history, where his type belongs.
It's very common on this site, especially in the General forum, to see people rage against the AP.
Actually I did see one retraction not long ago: a BW was railing on some OW for ruining her marriage and being a complete psycho. She later discovered that this OW was being completely deceived by the WH, and the WH was doing some gaslighting big time. If she had been really watching the WH and not worrying about what kind of thong OW was showing off today, she might have been spared some false R.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 5:31 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]
It's very common on this site...to see people rage against the AP.
I actually think this a normal reaction considering the extent of the damage that has been done immediately following dday. Denial is a natural and helpful defense mechanism.
Deflecting hatred towards the AP probably saves lives. The betrayed spouse has more access to the cheating spouse than they do the AP, if they have any way to access the AP at all. You need access in order to kill someone.
Mentally affairs are like a nuculear bomb. The brain needs a way to deflect some of that pain. The person you loved and trusted above all else just pissed in the pot of gold you call your life. Deflecting some of the pain is probably all that keeps some of our heads above water at first.
Now having said that, that shit needs to stop and it needs to stop soon! Once the initial shock has worn off, the only way to protect yourself is to realize your spouse wanted it too. She texted back, she batted her eyes, she got all gussied up for him. Shit his dick didn't end up in her mouth on the side of the road by accident. Blaming anyone other than your spouse for the affair is just giving them a get out of jail free card. Sure you can live your life in denial, but if you keep your head in the sand eventually someone is going to come up behind you and start pumping you in the ass while your not looking. You want to heal blame your spouse, That's the person that exchanged vows and made promises to you.
Now just to prove how hypocritical I can be....
Fuck that guy! the only thing keeping his kneecaps intact are his wife and kids. He might not care about them but they still rely on him. Now if poser's wife ever told me to go ahead, I've got a ball peen hammer just waiting to shatter those things into a million little pieces.
[This message edited by DefiledRage at 6:13 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
Joking of course...
Well, if you read the JFO post you can tell I started to become at least a journeyman on the path to computer sleuthing expert. When your wife is TTing and you have enough, it's amazing what you can find out if you put your technical expertise to it.
my wife seemed happier and more content that she had in years during her A. And why not? She was being adored and serviced by two men. Got to have the stable home life with the nice house, working professional husband, kids, PTA, etc., and the dancing, partying life with her lover.
Oh well. Someone poke SuperDuperSomethingOrAnother as this thread is about to flip. Get out the Gimp
Oh well. Someone poke SuperDuperSomethingOrAnother as this thread is about to flip. Get out the Gimp
Where is SuperDuper what's his name anyhow? I mean, he levels up and then just disappears.
If he comes back, what's the over/under on the number of times he refers to the rest of us as bitches on the first page?
OMM never promised me shit at a semi-religious ceremony. The real blame is on your WW, IMO.
I don't know... When it comes to apportioning blame I would agree the healthiest portion goes my FWW. That being said though, I don't see any reason I can't throw plenty of blame OMM's way while I'm at it. I got a truly enormous blame pie baking away here, there's more than enough pieces to share around.
I guess in a way I might be a bit of an outlier on this one due to the fact that mine was an especially fucked up double betrayal. OMM was one of my oldest and closest friends at the time that he was fucking my wife. As has been previously stated, that shit has a special sting all unique in and of itself. And while OMM never "swore vows to me in a semi religious ceremony" he was standing up there as one of my groomsmen 17 years ago when FWW did. You want to find a whole new level of fucked uppedness? Try having to take your wedding album back to the original photographer so that he can try his best to photoshop your wife's fuck buddy out of half the fucking pictures. I don't have the words to describe to you how that feels, language fails.
You know that empty, free fall feeling when you realized that you actually had no idea who this person was that you were married too? That realization that everything you thought you knew was false when you suddenly discover that the person that you trusted completely had been bald faced lying to you for months? That unbelievably naked vulnerablity you felt when you realized that this person; who you thought was the nicest, kindest person in the world, someone who wouldn't hurt a fly, someone that would protect you from harm if it came down to it, had actually been actively working at destroying your fucking life?
Now take that shit and multiply it by two.
OMM, wasn't the "hey we go golfing every couple of months" kind of friend. He was a "talk late into the night about your deepest feelings and darkest fears and insecurities" kind of friend...Or at least I thought he was but maybe he wasn't... Or maybe he was but then stopped being that without bothering to let me know... Or maybe he still was but that just wasn't enough to stop him from almost destroying everything I gave a damn about in the world. Don't know, probably never will. All I do know was that right up until July 24 2010, if anyone had bothered to ask me who the nicest, kindest, most honest and upright man I knew was? OMM's name would have been the one coming out of my mouth. I respected the hell out of him, I admired him. God help me, I wanted to be like him.
You have any idea how much that shit still hurts me to type? It makes me want to chew my fucking fingers off.
So, ya, I fucking hate him. I hate him a lot. If I found out he died today, my first order of business tommorow would be to buy a plane ticket back home so I could go to his grave and piss on it. That's not fucking hyperbole, I truly and honestly mean it. And while I have progressed at least to the point that I no longer actively wish him dead? I do still hope for some non life threatening but horribly painful and embarrassing illness to come his way. Maybe operable colorectal cancer that leaves him spending the rest of his days sitting on an inflatable doughnut shiting into a colostomy bag. That kind of thing.
And that's fine as far as I'm concerned. I have more than enough room in my black twisted heart to hate his ass and still hold my FWW accountable for what she has done. Hating him, blaming him doesn't give her a free pass on her misdeeds. If anything it fucking exacerbates them. Not only did she betray me in the worst possible way... She also actively assisted someone else betraying me in the second worse possible way. It's a double whammy of blame going her way! So believe me, as I am sure my FWW can attest, my anger at OMM hasn't taken any heat off of her over the last few years.
The two things aren't mutually exclusive.
That being said, FWW had worked her fucking ass off to show me her remorse for what she did. She has done anything that anyone could ask to make amends to me for the hurts that she has caused me. She has done her level best to come as close as is possible to fixing this unfixable mess. So there is also room in my black twisted heart to find some hope of redemption and forgiveness.
I don't really think there is room in there for forgiveness for him though. Not unless my heart, grinch like, grows three sizes one day.
Course, since that asshat has not uttered one word to me, written one word to me, made any sort of minimal gesture at fucking all to show me anything, let alone remorse? I guess we'll never know for sure. I can't imagine there is anything he could say or do that would change my feeling one fucking iota.... That still doesn't make him any less of an asshole for not even trying.
Sorry if that's been ranty. Having a tough day and this topic of discussion triggers me a bit. And before anyone apologizing for possibly triggering me? Don't, the way I look at it these days, shit that triggers me is shit that still needs working out. I actually appreciate it. Might sound wierd but sincerely I do.
I'll be honest, I haven't been doing well. Probably seasonal, what the hell do I know. I cried yesterday at the docs for the first time in 11 months. She was going over things that could help and I just hung my head and said "I'm trying". And the tears came. Because I am trying. Betrayal sucks.
HT, you're better than me. I would've thrown them away. I deleted ours from that time. W is still mad at me because of it.
[This message edited by nuance at 10:30 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]
For Tred and everyone else here that's going through a rough patch - I lift my non-alcoholic grape juice to you all in a toast. May your weekend be better than expected and may all the OM's cocks fall off in the shower.
I have to tell you guys, as much as my wife and I have moved forward - I still hate the AP with a fucking passion.
I've often thought that I hold a solid trump card. I know where he lives and I know his kids' names and ages. There is a definite possibility that when they turn 18 they may just get a letter in the mail explaining how much of a fuck wad their father is.
Since my kids found out in an ugly way and we've had to deal with that fall out - he may be in for a surprise one day as well. Let him have to face up to his children for what he has done in his worthless life.
Happy holiday to all of you. I hope the Thanksgiving week gives you all peace.
She had everything she needed, and what made her happy. She was basically sleeping with me to keep up the illusion, and fucking him to make herself happy. That's just true.