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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome greengiant to the best place you never wanted to be.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear we M'd the same woman, atsenaotie.

Well 64, then you do have good taste in women's appearance. If you ever figure out how to get this model working correctly to implement the advanced emotional and physical intimacy features, please let me know.

--ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weird night for me last night.... lots of talk with the W, lots of opening up about how I feel, the hurt, the anger, the resentment, the lack of connection. It felt good to open up a bit. Then we ended up having sex - really good sex, BTW, but afterwards I didn't feel right.... I just felt......empty.

I don't think I triggered during sex. I don't think I even triggered after. I just lay there and had that feeling that something was missing, that something was just not there. The sex was really good - why couldn't I just be happy with that? Why the empty feeling? Why can't I just enjoy it for what it is?

Is this normal? It's been happening for a while now, that feeling that something is missing - something deeper that used to be there and that isn't there anymore. It doesn't happen every time, and some times more intense than others, but last night it was pretty intense.

Anyone else go through this? Am I making any sense?


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sex was really good - why couldn't I just be happy with that? Why the empty feeling? Why can't I just enjoy it for what it is?

Is this normal?

Is it normal to feel empty? Yes. In fact it would be abnormal for a man to not feel some type of disconnect after his wife has screwed around with other guys. The emotional bond between the two of you has been broken, torn asunder if you will. It takes time and effort to repair that. Some are able to accomplish that, while others can't.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So last night I get home to bring my 18 year old son, who lives with me during our separation because she moved in with AP, out to dinner to talk. He has been having a real rough time with everything going on. Anyway when I get home I smell pot in the garage. He gets in the car and while driving to the resturaunt I ask him about the pot smoking. He informs me that he smokes in the house and garage while I am not there. (him and I are the only two who live there). I inform he that if he does it again he can find another place to live and tell him he is no longer allowed to have friends over while I am not there. During all of this he keeps texting so I tell him to put his phone away and listen. We get to the resturaunt, go in and I am trying to talk to him and he pulls out the cell phone and begins to text. I tell him to give me the phone. He tells me no, he is in the middle of a converstation via messaging. At this point I reach across and try to grab the phone. Of course I can't get it. So I tell him let's go. Once outside I ask him for the phone again and he tells me know so I try to get it from him again to no avail. He takes off running and that's the last I've seen or heard from him. I am able to check phone records and see he has been in contact with STBXWW. I send her a text to see if he is okay and of course don't hear from her either. She can't ever be an adult about anything. She has taught my boys that it is ok to be disrespectful to their father by her actions. Mind you I bought the phone and pay the service for the phone. I really don't know what to do next as my son won't answer the phone or messages. I am really worried about him as he was high when he took off and has not been doing very well since we were separated. This incident will play right into her venomous hands as she is doing everything she can to try and make herself look like a victim in all of her charades. She will undermine the entire incident and push the blame on me for trying to take the phone away. This shit really sucks....she destroyed a really good family with all of her antics...I feel so bad for my son that she uses him as a pawn in her bullshit games. I don't know how to get him to come back home where he belongs...


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PG,

I don't really have any advice, since I haven't been in that situation. You could cancel his phone service, but I'm not sure that would have any positive effects. As for getting high, is he still in HS? What are his plans for the future? Is he in counseling? Sorry you are going through this mate.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tred, no he is out of school, out of work(got fired from his job) and basically out of sorts. I was going to talk with him last night about counseling or something to help him cope with everything that has happened. He has no plans for the future other than talking about joining the military. I feel so bad for him as he was always such a happy smiling boy.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has no plans for the future other than talking about joining the military.

You need to get it through to him that they won't take him if he uses drugs. With the military drawing down they don't give out waivers for drug use like they used to.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thats exactly what I was trying to talk to him about along with all the drug testing potential employers use these days. Plus he has put on some extra weight which the military does not accept anymore either.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PowerGlo

I recently had an issue with my DS and pot, he is 18 and in HS. I searched his room and confiscated everything. We had a talk about not acceptable, and that there will be a home drug test in a few weeks. I take the drug test with him. Not that I use, but to show I too am willing to do something demeaning for the good of the family. It seemed to work. He is dropping weight and the grades are up.

It was rude of him to text while out with you, but I will tell you many people do this, including FWW. I would worry less about getting the phone and more about telling him that you feel unimportant and neglected when you are out with him and he ignores you for the phone. Same that if he is going to live with you there needs to be some respect about telling you where he is and responding to your calls, even if he is upset with you.

A tough age to deal with but set your boundaries. I have no doubt he will play you off against your WW, and that she will use him against you.

You might try to attend some family counseling with him.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the wise advice Ats...I set up an appt for next week for a counselor for the two of us to see. His world has been thrown upside down but still doesn't give him carte blanche to be disrespectful or downright defiant. I am sure it's his way of crying out for help which is what I have been trying to do. Again thanks....


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sure it's his way of crying out for help which is what I have been trying to do.

Keep this focus until proven otherwise. We all know thta the late teen years were rough, and I cannot imagine for my DS who lived through dday and the aftermath. It was rough on my son, not that he wil admit it. A lot of emotions; fear, shame, fright, embarassment, can all express as anger or acting out.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weird night for me last night.... lots of talk with the W, lots of opening up about how I feel, the hurt, the anger, the resentment, the lack of connection. It felt good to open up a bit. Then we ended up having sex - really good sex, BTW, but afterwards I didn't feel right.... I just felt......empty.
I don't think I triggered during sex. I don't think I even triggered after. I just lay there and had that feeling that something was missing, that something was just not there. The sex was really good - why couldn't I just be happy with that? Why the empty feeling? Why can't I just enjoy it for what it is?

Is this normal? It's been happening for a while now, that feeling that something is missing - something deeper that used to be there and that isn't there anymore. It doesn't happen every time, and some times more intense than others, but last night it was pretty intense.

Anyone else go through this? Am I making any sense?

OTS I go through this every time my fWW and I have sex now. I'm back in the semi-anger stage now. Sometimes after sex I just have to go in the living room and sit on the couch and stew for a couple hours before I go back to bed.

Last night we had some really hot (some would say nasty) sex and I found myself getting angry and a little rough with her. Her? She actually enjoyed it!

Its weird: this little church lady I married was such a prude for the first two decades of our marriage... and now, since being sexually liberated by her OM, she's a porn queen.

Pisses me off and fascinates me at the same time.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 9:36 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im curious about something.

I hear WSs often say they are indifferent about their AP. That they dont think of their AP and really dont feel good or bad about them.

I am NOT indifferent about the OM. NOT AT ALL. I hate the fucker. He knew she was M. Actually came to our house and I actually drove him and WW around to see the sights in our area. Other times he would come into my house after I left for work and have sex with my WW in our bed. I could go on and on about what he did but you all get the gist of it. My story really is no different than any other here.

So are any of you INDIFFERENT about the OM? If so were your circumstances different than mine? and if not how did you get to that state of not hating him?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So are any of you INDIFFERENT about the OM?

Indifferent? Of course. I hate him "in different" ways every time I think about him. (Little play on words there.... thought you might like that. )

Honestly - I will hate that fucker for what he did from now until the day I die. He better hope I never meet him in person. I may only be 5'-10" and 160 lbs, but it ain't the size of the dog in the fight... it's the amount of fight in the dog.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Razor,

1st, FWW is not indifferent about her OM. She is now disgusted when she thinks of being with them, and she goes out of her way to avoid ever being where one of them might be, to the extent of not applying for jobs in areas, organizations where one of the OM is associated.

I am indifferent. I think part of what helped me to get to this point is that I had to work with one of her OM, prior to dday I even helped to get him hired where I was working while he and FWW were fucking every couple weeks. I did not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was bothering me or that I was embarrassed around him, so I worked on indifferent. I looked through him as though he was a stranger, I talked to those around him, and if he addressed me I answered briefly as possible and then moved on.

It may help that all 4 OM I know. I know who and what they are, and yes they all knew me and knew she was Md to me. I know it was nothing special about their looks, dick size, income, intelligence, or status in the community that attracted FWW. It was simply they were needy and available POSERs. If it had not been any one of them it would have been (may have included?) someone else.

I also embraced early on and truly believe that her A's were not about me. It was her crap she was acting out. OM did not kill my M, FWW did. OM did not betray me (well, the guy I helped to hire and BIL maybe), FWW did.

The only one that I struggle with indifference with is my BIL who denied an A when I called him out about sexting, photos, and ?, and who has never approached me to apologize.

Finally, what anger and desire for retribution I did feel, did nothing to help me, and no good could come from engaging.

ETA: I am younger and in better health than each OM and expect to out live them all, so I do occassionally consider the up and down sides of actually peeing on their grave when the opportunity presents.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:33 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

I hate the type of man he is. A player who knows he can fuck other peoples wives on dating sites without consequences. Him and his wife are swingers - she really didn't seem to give a shit that he was having multiple other partners she didn't know about. He was basically a kept man - his wife made most of the money. He stayed home and played with his hobby business and fucked women whose husbands worked all day. He knew all the lines (I've never done this before, my wife is controlling, mean, an alcoholic, I don't look at porn, can you send me a shot of your pussy with a vibrator shoved in it?). Let's just say I hate any man who knowingly fucks a married woman and turns her into his little sex doll because he won the genetic lottery and can charm their pants off. Of course, my wife loved it. Craved him. She is the real one to blame - but I still hate fuckers like Mr. Amazing.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So are any of you INDIFFERENT about the OM?
Yes, but in my case the OM is in a different state. Had I never known him or knew he was in my home then I'm sure I'd feel less than indifferent. By "less than indifferent" I mean I'd hate his guts with the intensity of a hundred super-novas.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3365 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So are any of you INDIFFERENT about the OM? If so were your circumstances different than mine? and if not how did you get to that state of not hating him?

The two OM's both live in California which is 3,000 miles from me. It's hard for me to sustain any serious hatred for someone I've never met. The way I look at it, everyone gets what's coming to them sooner or later. They are just two, out of who knows how many others, WW has dragged into the sewer with her. Of course it took many years to detach from wanting to do harm to these ass-clowns. Murderous rage was the initial emotion but has now morphed into disdain.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the same sitch as Brandon. Hard to sustain hatred for a douche that lives 1500+ miles away and existed mainly behind a cell phone.

I armed his (very, very hot btw) BW with every bit of damning evidence I could. Like the 2 hour phone call on her birthday one year, or how 2 years later he was trying to bone my WW on his wife's birthday as a thrill of sorts. (My WW declined there at the end.) I coached her on not taking blame, etc. that many BWs take. She filed for D withing 2 weeks of her d-day and the OM did NOTHING but lie, gaslight, and abuse the shit out of his BW. Their D is in trial, I hope she is handing his ass to him. He is a typical NPD womanizer.

I sometimes feel pity for that asshole - he has 2 sweet early teen boys...but then I realize I feel sorry for them actually.

Well, you know, as I think about the energy with which I just wrote this, maybe I do hate that low-life. To think that since he is a surgeon, people look up to him!


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
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