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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD the question you have to ask yourself is "Did YOU like it ?"
If you did, try again. Don't over think it.

Yes I did enjoy it. We both did. She really did and told me this morning she wants to make it a permanent part of our repetoir.

It's after the sex that the bad thoughts come...when I hve a chance to objectivley digest what just happened.

Its going to be a process I know.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

, providing anal to get you off her back.

LOL! Yeah, i was on her back, underneath, etc...


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Montreal. I am truly happy for you that the DNA test came out with you being the biological father. I can see how you would be sad being brought to the point of doubting your own biological paternity, but hopefully the test will bring you peace of mind in the long run. Your doubts won't come back to haunt you in 30 years.

Same with me, for that matter. The test didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, but at least I won't be eternally wondering, and I can face things head on.

Glad to hear things are moving in the right direction for you!

Since you are sharing positive news... I had a good weekend with my wife. We were both respectful and caring of each other, and we didn't encounter any drama. That is kind of rare for us for an entire weekend. I'll take it.

Looking forward to the holidays. Hope the rest of you gentlemen are doing well and not having to erect any "bird" statues in your back yard.

ETA: Edited "piece of mind" to what I originally intended, "peace of mind". I must be on an Iron Maiden kick this morning. LOL

[This message edited by LosferWords at 1:33 PM, November 18th (Monday)]


Posts: 4571 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal congrats on the paternity test!

And I'm glad your fWW seems to be on the same page with you. You definitely need to fire your IC and get someone who understands the mechanics of affairs and how to pull waywards out of the fog. This guy sounds like a clown.

Like I said in a previous pots, my fWW and I were lucky to stumbe on the gal we have as our MC now. She makes us work through the healing. She doesn't accept excuses or b.s. and calls us on the carpet when we aren't being genuine.

No way my fWW and I would hve gotten this far without our MC. We would probably be divorced.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD Sorry I wasn't trying to minimize. The post act triggers can be brutal. I had them too. I remember one time I had a vicious trigger, got really angry, left the house to go for a walk. I came back to find my W bawling her eyes out. When to sleep detached and callous. The next day my W tried to talk to me about it. I said some pretty hurtful things. (You seem to like it when guys use you, Now you know what it is like to be discarded so easily, It is easier than doing it myself,etc.)

Sigh, not one of my finer moments. If I could give myself back then one piece of advice, don't let the triggers build up. You have to talk to your C, Your W (it sounds weird, but works), and fellow Menz.

Most of us here have had to work through them. In time, you will too.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess we're on the topic of Good News today, let me join in.

I got back on the rollercoaster almost a year ago after coworkers A triggered wicked flashbacks of my WW's A over 30 years ago. Been a brutal, fast ride.

I realized over the weekend that I'm healed enough that SI has become a trigger, so I'm backing away for a time while I do other work to make sure this trauma is good and gone before I put it away. No rugsweeping this time.

A big factor is there has been a huge breakthrough with my W (formerly known as WS, for "wayward slut") in that for the first time ever she's been willing to unsweep the rug and actually talk about some of things that I discovered I had to know in order to heal. Her story now, unlike before, is complete and consistent enough to be believable. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders.

I carried it for over 30 years, most of those deeply buried. I carried so much weight for so long that my feet literally disintegrated. It took four hard reconstructive surgeries and years of PT to put them back together. Did I tell you not to rugsweep? Don't do it, don't let your WW's do it, don't carry that weight.

I thank SI, and especially the sages here in BMenz for the tools to accomplish that. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I love you all like a brother, even though we've never met.

I'll stop by from time to time to pay it back with bits of my own hard-won wisdom (such as it is), but I'm retiring as a regular presence.

You are Men among Men, pinnacles of virtue. Don't let the bitches get you down. You're better than than that, and they are too.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take care MoreWould. Friday nights is probably the best time to come visit and have a beverage of your choice . Or whatever they are serving in CO!

I'm glad for you.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on the healing MW. Good on ya!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2086 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't stay gone too long MoreWould.

We need your experience and wisdom here. Take care!


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD Sorry I wasn't trying to minimize. The post act triggers can be brutal. I had them too. I remember one time I had a vicious trigger, got really angry, left the house to go for a walk. I came back to find my W bawling her eyes out. When to sleep detached and callous. The next day my W tried to talk to me about it. I said some pretty hurtful things. (You seem to like it when guys use you, Now you know what it is like to be discarded so easily, It is easier than doing it myself,etc.)
Sigh, not one of my finer moments. If I could give myself back then one piece of advice, don't let the triggers build up. You have to talk to your C, Your W (it sounds weird, but works), and fellow Menz.
Most of us here have had to work through them. In time, you will too.

You have nothing to apologize for Numb. I appreciate the candor.. always. Those triggers are a bitch. Not just the big ones, but the little ones that hit five or six times a day.

And believe me, I have said some things to my wife that have literally had her balled up in a fetal position in the corner of our bedroom sobbing like a baby. I look back at disgust with myself over some of the vile things I called her and said to her.

Affairs bring out the worst in everyone.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs bring out the worst in everyone.


True dat.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs bring out the worst in everyone.

No shit. I'd have to say the first year after DDay was not some of my finest moments. At all. I would of left me...


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dealt with that Tred. I had a bad year. She pulled the plug. Not me. She gave up. Not me. We could've made something work. She suffered in silence. She didn't communicate. She fucked another guy. Game over.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to figure out HB. I feel confused by it, like my WW is trying to screw my brains out for me to forget or for her to get over the OM.

Also our therapist told us to get journals to write in so we can discuss the stuff in our sessions.

I haven't wrote anything yet.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB, happens to some and doesn't to others. I didn't have a HB phase. Some people say it's like a reclaiming of each other. Some people say just enjoy it while it lasts because it stops at some point for many.

Personally I say if you have both been tested post DDay for STD's or use protection then enjoy it. Enjoying the sex won't make you forget about the A or OM and it won't make you suddenly rugsweep away shit either. All the shit that was there before still has to be dealt with so if the sex is good enjoy it and keep on trucking. Just my 2 cents.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel confused by it, like my WW is trying to screw my brains out for me to forget or for her to get over the OM.

Don't try to figure it out, just go with it if you are so inclined. We were all over each other multiple times per week (unusual for her) and even multiple times a day. Then one day, just a couple hours after we literally had sex on a beach, we were on the boat nude and I gave her a hug from behind. She went off on me about pressing my penis on to her, "pushing her for sex when she did not want it", how over-sexed I was and how it was not normal for people our age. And that was the end of HB, and sex became once a month or so since then.

We did over the years since dday go through a trying new (to me) things and locations phase, an anal sex phase. It became very important to her that we do it on a particular table, that she get oral while sitting on a bar. I know that she did not have sex with an OM on that table, so it must have represented something to her. Anal sex became routine for a while with her offering/asking for it and now it is off the table again. In retrospect I can see that these must each tie to a phase of her working through some issue or other.

Even now she will talk about wanting to do X or Z, but it rarely goes beyond talking.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:19 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our HB ended real similar, her wanting it/pushing me away, and back to one or two times a month. I swear we M'd the same woman, atsenaotie.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB is good, then its gone. Enjoy it while it lasts. For me it meant that if she was having sex with me, then at that moment she wasn't having sex with the poser.

I triggered during it but must mostly went along for the ride. Gradually triggering got worse, so my natural defense was to turn the trigger into apathy, which made things MUCH worse!

Frequency dropped off again, and when we were doing it, it seemed both of us were just going through the motions. We talked about it. She said she's been having lots of "intrusive thoughts" and has been trying to work through that without letting me in on it because it would make me feel worse. Well it did, and does. But its good we talked because now at least we both know, and that way we can try to work through it together. We both want the sex to mean something, we both want it to be just the two of us in bed, not me, her, and the shadow in our heads. As Jerry would say "Takes time, you pick a place to go, and just keep truckin on"

And while it hurts like hell to know that poser might pop in her head sometimes, it is good to know that its not turning her on. Pay attention and you can tell, its like someone just punched her. Plus she's being honest. Being honest s good right?

MOREWOULD....Peace brother!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm lucky that HB did not fall of a cliff. The sex has tapered from the insanity level but it is regular and often enough for me. Fighting through the images and thoughts was painful, especially the first year or so, but IMO worth the effort. So much to work through and so much to put into perspective and in its place. Sometimes just saying to hell with it and being in the moment was the best thing for me. After there was a price to pay of sorts having to work through those issues, work on the perspective and also some reframing. If my W was not working (or already worked through) some of her shit I think I would have had a harder time reconciling the afterward.

I thank SI, and especially the sages here in BMenz for the tools to accomplish that. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I love you all like a brother, even though we've never met.
I'll stop by from time to time to pay it back with bits of my own hard-won wisdom (such as it is), but I'm retiring as a regular presence.
You are Men among Men, pinnacles of virtue. Don't let the bitches get you down. You're better than than that, and they are too.

I get it MoreWould. I hope to see you here dispensing some of that hard-won wisdom. You have truly helped me.


Your beliefs dont make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello guy's. Came to this forum after an invitation from gutpunch33 on the "Just Fount Out Forum".

My wife had a 6 week A this winter, and I found it out last September. We are also in a HB phase, have been doing it 1-3 times per day since D-Day. I am also enjoying it, while sometimes triggers happen. When it happens, I have to stop doing it, but every time it did so, she wants us to talk over this and it helps. I think HB can help going through those triggers, I don't know how, but the triggers are less frequent and not so strong as they were.

By the way, I also enjoy hunting, glad I found a place were I can exchange with dudes!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
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