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Newest Member: mexico (43213)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

Healing happens no matter what condition we find ourself in. We will heal.

Reminds me of what my surgeon said once,

"The bleeding always stops. One way or the other."


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it does.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the OM was my WW's f*ck buddy for a couple of months the previous year to my meeting her 22 years ago, and I guess had the same role reprised in 2010.

OMM went to the same small college/same time as fWW. I'd bet he was a 'friend' way back then too.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys for welcoming me to the club. I am reading and taking a lot in. Man I wish I known about this place 3 years ago.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to all the new menz here and all the lurkers out there reading.

Healing happens no matter what condition we find ourself in. We will heal. I believe that in every case there will remain some resentment toward our WW over her affair. But this will be in the background and for the most part our life will be good or at least ok.

Yup, the resentment is still there but those thoughts pass quickly these days because I've learned that they're toxic to my body and mind. Her A's have taken their place alongside other bad memories.

I'm convinced that they subconsciously punish us for representing reality.

An astute point. Over the weekend Mrs. Kite claimed that if she should die, my whole life would fall apart. So I guess her excursion into Fantasyland never ended.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the weekend Mrs. Kite claimed that if she should die, my whole life would fall apart.

Had a similar conversation with my W just the other day. Problem was that on DDay she WAS my life, and her A destroyed everything that I held as value. I had no balance. There was nothing on the other end of the see-saw, so to speak.

I told her flat out that she isn't my 'whole life' anymore. I just don't view M that way now. I can't go 'all-in' on someone like I was before. Just ain't happening. I'm me, and I'm going to fill my life with the things and people that make me happy, and if she wants to tag-along, that's awesome. But she isn't 'my whole life' anymore. I honestly don't think that it is healthy for someone else to be your 'whole life'.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a similar conversation with my W just the other day. Problem was that on DDay she WAS my life, and her A destroyed everything that I held as value. I had no balance. There was nothing on the other end of the see-saw, so to speak.

I told her flat out that she isn't my 'whole life' anymore. I just don't view M that way now. I can't go 'all-in' on someone like I was before. Just ain't happening. I'm me, and I'm going to fill my life with the things and people that make me happy, and if she wants to tag-along, that's awesome. But she isn't 'my whole life' anymore. I honestly don't think that it is healthy for someone else to be your 'whole life'.

This is where I need to get to and I am sure I will eventually. I lived for my wife up until her A and I realise now that was a huge waste of 22 years of my time.

All the flowers and gifts and romantic vacations in the end could not win out over her hormonal changes and female MLC issues.

Well, I had a very similar conversation with her not long ago where I basically told her the same thing. I will continue to love her and cherish her, but I will no longer love her more than I love myself. From now until I die I will be my number one priority.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Problem was that on DDay she WAS my life, and her A destroyed everything that I held as value. I had no balance.

What I now know is that I had no balance before DDay, I just didn't know it yet. Maybe it was a gift. Sure didn't feel like it then or now, but maybe, just maybe it was a gift.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Problem was that on DDay she WAS my life, and her A destroyed everything that I held as value. I had no balance.

I will continue to love her and cherish her, but I will no longer love her more than I love myself.

When I first came to SI I heard time and again to focus on me and make me a priority. I did not see how that was possible for a married man. That was my view of the marriage. And I heard time and again here that it was not healthy in the first place and now that an A is part of the M history it really is not healthy. I believe it is true though.

What I find hard is that balancing act now. Since before the focus was on others now when it shifted to me I have to find the balance not to be a self-centered asshole. Part of the roller coaster for me I guess. I think it is not only possible but imperative to strike this balance in my life. Iím much happier when I take care of myself and Iím taking care of others (things like Boy Scouts, kids sports and other chances to teach and mentor as well as doing things for my W and family).

What I now know is that I had no balance before DDay, I just didn't know it yet. Maybe it was a gift. Sure didn't feel like it then or now, but maybe, just maybe it was a gift.

For me I canít look at it that way. Iím not saying you are wrong, just not for me (at least not yet). I had (and I mean had) a friend who was happy for me when she found out about the A. She said it will be an amazing opportunity for me to grow. Of course she has never been through this. Iím really happy with what has come out of all this shit, but Iíd trade it all in a heartbeat to be a bit less ďgrowinĒ and having a history I could bank on.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the weekend Mrs. Kite claimed that if she should die, my whole life would fall apart.
Oh man...and the worst part of this tactic is that they don't really believe it...they're so insecure that they need you to believe it.


ďAnyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.Ē

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found

The Gift was the realization that I had no balance.

Don't get me wrong, her A was no gift, and neither was mine (not even the "porn star sex" I had).

It took me a long, long time to see the Gift in it, so long I still have trouble accepting it some days. Just slow I guess.

But, I did find more balance without turning into a self-centered asshole. Most days.

Just the other day, W said, "If we broke up now, I'd be alone for the rest of my life, but you're so nice you'd have a new woman almost immediately." I would have agreed with her, but that would have made me an asshole.

What I said was, "Maybe so, but you're the one I want." That was even more true than what she said.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slope,

Great perspective brother. JJ would be proud . That's been my MO since my wife broke NC back in May. I love her, want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I can't be alone on the top of that see saw next time she decides to let her end go. I won't ever take that fall again. Only way to avoid it is to make sure that if my wife lets go of her end, there is enough other shit for me where she vacated so my ass doesn't crash to the ground.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know before DDay my WW and I had saved up $5000 to go on a big trip for our 25th anniversary. Now, that money is in a money market account in my name only. Simmering and collecting interest. I told my wife that the trip, at least for the foreseeable future, is cancelled.

That $5k is my bail money now. If she cheats again I'm gone, and I'll need a stake to start over somewhere else far far away from her.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Gents,

In 11 hours I will be free. STBX signs the refi tomorrow and I sign the Quit Claim. I'm moving to an Extended Stay on Saturday and I'll rest a few weeks. I get cash, she keeps the house. Soon I'll be on the beach full time. She can have this dump.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Party at sunset's!
Tred - any news on the OBX?
I gotta start throwin nickles at that thing - pm me.
(I AM proud o you guys)))

Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first came to SI I heard time and again to focus on me and make me a priority.

I refused to believe it for so long. Various vets here tried to school me early on. I guess I was too prideful and ignorant. I guess I still am sometimes.

This really is the closest thing there is to a, "silver bullet," to kill the werewolf that is infidelity.

BTW- SG, XCOM expansion pack only for PC ? Say it ain't so.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Head's up Menz. BlakeSteele is up to something in General under Sex, Power and Connections that's worth a look.

This is a meme we've been rooting around down here since forever, but since it's up in General, the Wimenz are tossing in their two cents worth too. Instructive.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read it. TBH, doesn't really apply to me. My wife wasn't looking for control or power, neither was her AP. They were on Ashley Madison looking for fuck buddies. He probably was looking to add notches to his belt, my wife was looking for someone to fuck and suck (other than me).


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Menz
I had a small victory today.A judge granted me a temporary restraining order on XW.She has ignored my boundaries of no face to face and no phone conversations or voice mail.
Yesterday she sent me a text after I texted her asking again for text or e-mail only.Saying until you have a gag order or restraining order I will come up to you at work or call you whenever I want.So I went to the court house today and the judge granted me my restraining order she will be served and I shouldnt be bothered at work anymore.
She used the guise of wanting to talk about the kids but all her questions could have been answered by the school office.I told her we dont parent at work but its still all about her.
This all stemmed from me calling the cops last week for her tresspassing.Now she is going to pick up the children at my house per the divorce agreement.Which is in the RO and is fine for now but Im thinking of having my L change.We have been doing pick up and drop off at my parents because she said she didnt feel safe picking up at my house.Now that it suits her shes ok with it.
Now I just sit back and wait for the blowback.


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Distraut

Glad you got the RO you needed. Sounds like your XW loves the drama and crazy making.I hope the exchange is uneventful.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
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