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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ryebread there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. Tell those naysayers you like who you are and maybe they shouldn't be such cynical buzzkills.

As long as you stick to your principals and refuse to back down from your beliefs you are fine. There is a difference between being a nice guy and a milquetoast. You don't strike me as a pushover.

You do however have crap taste in women and you need some IC to figure out why.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pretty sure we all got crap taste in women or we wouldn't be here ...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy

There is if you use it as a method for getting people to like you. You can't 'nice' someone into being faithful or having feelings or liking you, or even being friends with you. They should like you because you have common interests or goals or share values. If they only like you because you are 'nice' to them, then you're asking for trouble.

Lesson learned the hard way. And it is one fucking hard lesson.

ETA: Had this very conversation with my wife last night. I'm going to be me. She is not always going to like me. That is fine. She is not always going to agree with me. That is fine. I need to find/do the things in my life that fulfill me, that make me happy and that add to my existence. If she doesn't like some of those things, well, that's fine. Doesn't mean I'm not going to do them, provided they aren't crossing my boundaries of right and wrong (i.e. If I 'like' robbing banks I'm still not going to do it because it crosses a moral boundary). I'm going to be me, and if she wants to tag along, awesome. If not - well, then it wasn't meant to be.

Basically - I'm done turning myself into play-dough and attempting to form myself into the person she wants/needs me to be. That was my mistake all along. Done with that. I'm me, she's her, and if we can be 'us', then cool. If not, then oh well.

Happy veterans day everyone. Semper Fi, Ooo RAH! Thank you to all those who served and didn't use the uniform as a method to get married women to drop their pants (e.g. POSER Navy ass-wipe with too much time on his hands).

That is all.

[This message edited by ontheslope at 3:13 PM, November 11th (Monday)]


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each one of us has his own definition of nice guy.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is not always going to like me. That is fine. She is not always going to agree with me. That is fine.

And that is exactly how I feel and act now. I don't care what people think of me for the most part. And to your point DefeatedDad I agree. I do like who I am and I take any criticism with a grain of salt.

Maybe what it comes down to is I think I can do a better job of standing up for myself and I'm looking for insight and ideas on how I can do that. I could do IC but this doesn't feel IC worthy at this point. I'm sure I can read and process this book and get the same benefit.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Happy  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Veterans Day Fellow Menz. I managed to squeeze into my service dress blues and participate in the parade this morning. It was great. The little kids were great and many thanks to local elementary schools that took the morning to honor veterans. They were great.

But the best moment of the day was at the end of the parade route. A number of Korean War and maybe a few WWII Navy vets were there from the Legion post, some in wheel chairs, and they gave me a salute as I dismounted the float (one of the last in the parade). I haven't returned a salute in nearly 22 years.

That, dear Menz, was a hoot.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin navy diver was my dream job and why I signed up as a quartermaster.I signed up on the delayed entry program for 6 months was going to work out with my recruiter to pass the test.two weeks later im on a flight to boot camp.I worked out like crazy on my first cruise.Got back to the states prepared to test I had two years left of my four and I weighed my options did my two and got out.
Rye when my XWW wanted to "come home right after D was final and I was laying out the steps for her to do so.I told her Id need access to FB,Phone ,and Email and she could have same access to mine.She said I dont need to see yours.It really pissed me off at the time.I was always a bad boy when I was younger motorcycles,partying and the lot.(if ayounger version of me shows up at the door to pick up my daughter Im so kicking his ass).Being a husband and father made me embrace being a nice guy.In finding myself im rediscovering some of the bad boy ways.Not all though I have matured somewhat.Im definately looking forward to getting another Harley I sold my last one twelve years ago when my DD14 was 2.At the time it seemed like a wise choice now it seems like a dumb move.Oh well live and learn.
To all my brother Vets Thank You!


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A special thank you to all of you have served. I have always respected that and tried at one point to get into OCS.

RE: no more Mr nice guy- I have made a significant improvement in this area since DDay. I generally don't take shit off of people any more. Maybe it is me learning to stand up for myself more or maybe I just don't care. I know in the first months after DDAY, I prolly didn't care if I died. I almost found myself in 2 fights. You have to know to be shocked, normally I avoid conflict.

But She knew that and took advantage of that. I may never forgive myself for allowing myself to believe she was faithful when my gut, my soul was screaming at me. I made veiled attempts to catch her, but never could. Until finally one day I found TAM and learned about the almighty VAR.

No more conflict avoidance for this guy. I actually enjoy it now. I had an issue with my sons baseball coach and I just called him out on it. He was shocked and just admitted he was being a dick. I like this new part of me.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2013
LetMeRollIt
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hysterical bonding, you keep me in this reconciliation.


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 98 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may never forgive myself for allowing myself to believe she was faithful when my gut, my soul was screaming at me.

I think that part of the pain of betrayal is that we also betrayed ourself.

I lied to myself because I didnt want what I suspected to be true. I went to unbelievable lengths to believe those lies. In allot of ways the lies I told myself hurt more than the lies WW told me.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Afternoon Guys


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome sprocket, glad you found us. just thought I'd pop in and give you a welcome. I'll catch up on your story, and try to get back to you later.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2086 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hysterical bonding, you keep me in this reconciliation.

The HB was fantastic the first four months or so then it railed off .

Since our second TT/DDay three weeks or so ago we have been trying the kinky sex that she would do for OM but not for me.

Not hysterical. Enjoyable but weird.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sprocket. Welcome to the forum.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
LetMeRollIt
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts on the HB are, yes its awesome, but imagine how much better it would be if I didn't despise her.

And Hi Sprocket.

[This message edited by LetMeRollIt at 1:36 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 98 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts on the HB are, yes its awesome, but imagine how much better it would be if I didn't despise her.

I kind of get you on this. I don't despise my W, but man, there is that missing something that would make it just that much better. Like a sunday without the sprinkles or a cherry on top.

And welcome Sproket. If you get a chance (and you want to), fill in your story in your profile. Makes it easier to catch up on your goings on, if you will.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hysterical bonding, you keep me in this reconciliation.

Morning HB is so much nicer than an alarm clock. Almost makes Mondays worth it


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
LetMeRollIt
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Despise might be the wrong word, then again maybe it's right. I don't respect her. I think she's pathetic.

4 months in I've learned that my thoughts and feelings are very different every couple weeks, so I'm not making any decisions until February. But after being the driving force for R, I now don't care if it works or not. And I'm comfortable with that.

Can I build a relationship with a broken robot? Why would I want to?


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 98 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Despise might be the wrong word, then again maybe it's right. I don't respect her. I think she's pathetic.
4 months in I've learned that my thoughts and feelings are very different every couple weeks, so I'm not making any decisions until February. But after being the driving force for R, I now don't care if it works or not. And I'm comfortable with that.

Can I build a relationship with a broken robot? Why would I want to?

This is exactly where I am at. The hot sex we are trying out now has been fun, but it feels way different than the close, intimate way we used to make love before her A.

I find myself objectifying her...she's like a plaything for me now. Just something to get my rocks off on. I like it and hate it at the same time. Is this unusual?

And then I end up triggering because now when I look down at her when I'm banging her or finishing, and she looks up at me with a smile on her face, I feel like I'm seeing her through her OM's eyes.

Very disturbing.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
LetMeRollIt
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here. That's why I like doggie. I can have a look of total contempt on my face, and she doesn't know. :)


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 98 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
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