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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you guys watch Hell On Wheels? Is Bohanan a bad ass or what! I wish I could behave like that guy all the time.

I wish it was acceptable these days to just settle your differences with some lead and no one would think anything about it, just saying.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 416 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you guys watch Hell On Wheels? Is Bohanan a bad ass or what! I wish I could behave like that guy all the time.

I wish it was acceptable these days to just settle your differences with some lead and no one would think anything about it, just saying.

I've watched every episode. In the final episode of last season it looks like they will try to tame him down by marrying the Mormon girl. I'm guessing this will not end well. The drunk and violent part of him will eventually emerge and do in his enemies.

My inner Charles Bronson, the Death Wish version, has to be kept deeply submerged so I can stay out of prison. This is the main reason I stopped drinking. In the meanwhile I will have to live vicariously through Bohannan and other reprobates on TV and in the movies.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck me... I just figured it out. Holy shit.

The A was a deal-breaker for me. That betrayal can never be forgiven. But divorce would be a betrayal to my family.

Ok... maybe that doesn't make as much sense as I thought. Let me 'splain. No.. there is too much. Let me sum up.

I am a person of honor. I honor my promises. I honor my debts. I honor family. My core of who I am is family, the bond of family. My wife broke that bond, broke her promise to me - that was the deal breaker. But if I were to leave, I would be breaking my promise to her and to them - in a way, betraying MYSELF.

I'm in a catch 22. Holy shit. How do I reconcile THAT?!?!


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath.

eta:

You made an oath to honor her. How you do that does not mean the only way is to stay where you are and suffer. Getting a divorce does not mean you are abandoning your children.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 6:06 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ontheslope
I am a person of honor. I honor my promises. I honor my debts. I honor family. My core of who I am is family, the bond of family. My wife broke that bond, broke her promise to me - that was the deal breaker. But if I were to leave, I would be breaking my promise to her and to them - in a way, betraying MYSELF.

I'm in a catch 22. Holy shit. How do I reconcile THAT?!?!

You know, just because something is a deal breaker doesn't necessarily negate the possibility of creating a new deal.
Just saying.


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What HT just did?
That, gentlemen (& you too Tred), is reframing.
Well done sir!

Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a person of honor. I honor my promises. I honor my debts. I honor family. My core of who I am is family, the bond of family. My wife broke that bond, broke her promise to me - that was the deal breaker. But if I were to leave, I would be breaking my promise to her and to them - in a way, betraying MYSELF.

I'm in a catch 22.

I think all of us struggle with that on some level. As someone pointed out here sometime ago, this is the source of the "angst" we feel. And I am not sure it matters whether you decide to D or stay, the angst is there.

As for divorcing, I feel terrible with regards to the children. With respect to her, not really. She broke the contract.

I am still struggling with D due to the kids. They did nothing wrong. On the one hand, I believe they deserve for me to give it my best shot.

On the other hand, I don't think that I have to put up with anything and everything. I don't think I could ever get over this while staying in the marriage. I know my wife, and sure enough she thinks R should look like how she wants it to look.

Reconciliation is a tough road to attempt to go down even with someone who is remorseful and open to doing whatever it takes. The odds of success with someone who does not "get it" are too low to put myself through the pain of R. It's just not a good bet.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are making me trigger like a mother fvcker.

Last night the WW and I had the nastiest sex of our marriage. It was awkward at first but as she got into it I got more agressive and she loved it. We went to sleep content.

Today I feel like shit. Took her fvcking another dude and destroying our marriage to find out she could have had as much passion with me.

We haven't spoken much today. She knows what I'm thinking and she feels like crap.

This is going to be a rough road.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Took her fvcking another dude and destroying our marriage to find out...."

Earlier today it occurred to me that it took my wife having an affair to realize that she wants to be married. It has also taken her looking down the barrel of D to realize that by splitting into two households we are all going to be screwed financially. Not just me, but her.

In a cruel irony, the "thing" it took to wake her up makes it impossible for me to continue in the marriage.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to be a rough road.

DD, I've divorced. I had an unrepentant WW who would have been totally content to stay married had I been ok with 3 in the marriage. I 'broke up' the family to protect my family. My family no longer included her by her own choice to exclude herself. My family became me and my kid. I was left with 50k debt and her paying me 340/mo. Took over a year and a half, living in the same house with her bringing men over about every weekend. No they didn't stay while I was there, but she would introduce me AND THE KIDS!!! I couldn't get out and have a chance for custody. She had a daughter from a previous marriage and you know how likely the court was to split the kids. I won at district court and she filed an emergency motion to keep me in the house while the appeal went through. Her behavior didn't change. I won at the appellate court. She again filed an appeal(She had rich parents, I figure her costs were around 150k) to the state supreme court, again, emergency motion to keep me in the house while it was decided. Again, still dating other men. I won again. Then she wanted to try to reconcile. Snowball's chance anyone? Took a while to get over it, but I did.

I'm currently trying to reconcile. Being fairly successful(I think and it's my opinion that counts right?) I think it's harder. I also think it's worth it. The rewards seem to merit an attempt. I'm still having occasional nightmares, I still have triggers. Sex becomes problematic at times. I still take trazadone for the anxiety. She still has unresolved FOO issues and sometimes doesn't put the marriage first. The crucial difference is that she is remorseful. She is TRYING with everything she is capable of doing. She's willing to keep trying for as long as it takes. That means a lot.

There's no guarantee that bailing will allow me to find a truly faithful woman. I'm five for five so far and there will be no six for six. I think jj told me the Trappist monks brew beer and I've already got the hair. No to brag, but I'm a hell'uva catch. After the birth of my son, once he got done breast feeding, I took over all the night duties. I do most of the laundry. I cook almost all the meals. In 10 years of marriage, she's cooked maybe 10 dinners. I do all the grocery shopping. I clean the house, do the dishes. About twice a month, flowers or chocolate or both. Tell her I love you daily. I've done that in every relationship. That's not the problem. The problem is I pick women with issues. When I can identify that..... I'm gonna try to keep this M going.

Shit you guys got me going. Normally JD. Tonight I think I'll try to learn Spanish with Jose. Triggering just a little. FWW is off learning how to become a Critical Incident Stress Debriefer. The conundrum is it takes a lot of empathy. Where was that when I needed it?

DD, strength. It's a hard road, but worth it.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slope, I have no wise words. Just want you to know that I know how you feel. It is a catch 22, and we are screwed no matter what we do. That's why I cringe when a BS posts about a desire for a revenge affair. Our fidelity, character, and integrity are all we have left. Give that up, and we are truly lost souls.

Later, I hear you. I remind myself that there's no statute of limitations on filing for divorce, so maybe the thing to do is to let the process play out. Every day that I commit to R is a day that finds me living with my kids in a two-parent home. There may come a day when that can no longer be sustained, but until then...here we are. Still a family.

DD, my wife and I just had unbelievably good sex, followed by me triggering like a MF and wanting to hunt down and kill the OM. The pathetic, lowlife, wife-fucking-in-the-shadows coward. Which is why I find myself posting on SI on a Saturday night when I could be going back for another round of lovin'.

Isn't this a hoot?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vacillate almost hourly between D and R. Our WW really do have us in the corner against the ropes. They deserve to be thrown out on their ears, and yet the kids would suffer from a torn apart family.

We had such a great family unit before her affair. The four of us were close knit and strong. Which is why my WW's betrayal is all the more shocking and devastating. I have sat in MC and looked her in the eye and asked why she felt being some POSOM's personal whore was worth throwing away the most priceless treasure she could ever have?

She just sits there speechless. No answer. Just sobbing and tears and "I'm sorrys" and more snot and crying.

But no real answers. Nothing of worth.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 2:30 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I feel like shit. Took her fvcking another dude and destroying our marriage to find out she could have had as much passion with me.

My wife with all the trauma, abuse and abandonment she grew up with, learned at an early age that her key to surviving her childhood was keeping her emotions guarded. It took essentially me dying on the cross for her to believe that I do in fact love her and the key to her enjoying the benefits of love starts with her allowing herself to be vulnerable to me.

She was missing it all along, even with the other man.

[This message edited by still-living at 9:24 AM, November 10th, 2013 (Sunday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

My dog farted, startled himself, wondered where the noise came from. I wish my life was as simple.


Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD,

I decided that divorce was the only way that I could help our kids move towards healthy, happy, productive lives. Children are perceptive far beyond what we give them credit for.

Whether kids see it and express it or not, they feel and experience the turmoil of infidelity in ways that are not good for anyone. 'Keeping up appearances' for the children is adults pretending they are doing the right thing for children while really attempting to salve their own hurts, wounds and wishes.

If you cannot get to a better place (it semis you've been at this for a while now), maybe you should consider what is best for your children.

I have staked everything on the belief that one strong, 'healthy' parent (one that models and lives by some expectations and values) will get our kids to a good place, even if it takes the kids into their 20s to understand that.

I do hope that you can reconcile. It's clear that you are giving it your all.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking of the kids, we still have not told them D is on the horizon. My wife resists saying we need to have all the answers as to where we are going to live etc. I am sure she has other motives such as that as long as we have not taken that step it's not over. As for me, I can't figure out a good time to announce their world is about to be altered,

They also know nothing about the Affair and I just don't know what to tell them about why we are getting divorced. I had a dream the other night that post announcement they would not talk to me, convinced that daddy must have a girlfriend.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids know what their mom did. They know I have filed for the D and that for now it is on hold. I told them up front and have never sugar coated anything. They were hurt and both have dealt with her A as best they can.

My kids have told me they will live with whatever decision I make.

So you see it's not the kids holding me back from the D, its the love I have for my wife and not wanting to end this until I know for sure I cannot go on with her any further. I'm not at that point yet.

Yes....God forgive me but I still love the cheating bitch.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD, if you don't mind me asking, how did you go about telling the kids about the A? My kids are 7 and 10. I think my 10 year old would get it, but my 7 year old isn't there yet.

My W would be furious if the kids knew. Hell... she didn't want me to know. I had to snoop to find out. She's still living in fantasy land a bit I think, where some pixie dust fairy will come sprinkle unicorn poop on my head and I'll magically remember that she is the greatest thing since sliced bread and I'll forget about the A altogether. She has it in her head that somehow we'll be stronger after we overcome this. I don't think she gets it. She doesn't get the level of hurt she has caused, the depth of the betrayal, the shattering of everything I thought I knew.

Sorry... rambling. Carry on.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made my wife confess to them. We sat them down and in an hour long cascade of tears and snot she told them how she had met a man at work and that she let the friendship to to far and that he became her "boyfriend". My daughter came right out and asked her mother if they had sex and the WW said "yes, but you need to know this has nothing to do with your dad. It was a terrible thing I did to your dad and to you kids....blah blah.

My daughter was pissed and cried and actually wanted me to divorce her mom. They are now getting kind of back to where they were pre-A. My son was mad for about a day, then he manipulated me into buying him a new skateboard as therapy for the pain he was feeling. Snotty little capitalist.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 11:51 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did the skateboard work? I have not ridden one in decades but at this point I am willing to try anything.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gents (and JJCT and SuperSomething),

Tomorrow is Veterans Day. I wore the uniform for a while. Never used it to advance my status with women. I wore it for what I could do for the colors, not what they could do for me. My wife's AP was the opposite. He used it as a transference of what honorable people did before him to give himself legitimacy. I hate those kind of fuckers. National guard sergeant whose wife paid the bills.

Last night my son went to his second MCJROTC ball...in blues, wearing the medal from last year for being outstanding cadet. My wife's AP will never understand what that uniform means - my son rocks it. I couldn't of been prouder to salute him as he walked down the stairs. I held it until he saluted back. I'll be proud to be the first to salute him - I know I won't be the last.

Peace and love. I salute all of you.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

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