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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I am beginning to think that plastic surgery in a marriage means = I don't care if you are happy with the way I look, I want others to be happy about the way I look.

Not a good statistical sample BUT every guy that I've known who has gone and bought his wife a boob job their wife has cheated on every single one of them.

There are probably allot out there. Maybe most. That dont cheat after the boob job. But my experience was otherwise.

WW was after me for years for *fake* boobs and I never went for it simply because I saw what happened to those guys I knew.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a good statistical sample BUT every guy that I've known who has gone and bought his wife a boob job their wife has cheated on every single one of them.
I have to wonder if this isn't partially true. I didn't actually get my xww a boob job, but she said several times she wanted one.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3368 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because those WW who were forgiven and not divorced, in the end, really lost nothing. They got to have their fun, got to have their romance, got to have their hot throbbing porno sex, got forgiven, got to keep their families, got to keep their sucker husbands, and got to keep their comfy lifestyles.

My wife lost nothing... except her good reputation. She is enjoying the same financial support and perks as she always has as my wife.

Me? I got unbearable pain, loss of self esteem, emasculation, nightmares, insomnia, higher blood pressure, debt, uncertainty, wildly fluctuating moods, doubt, distrust.... shall I go on?

This is very true. And is a large part of the *unfairness* of it all.

As far as honor, trust, and the rest of that. I dont see my WW missing a damned thing. Basically she got her many years long romantic vacation with hot sex and all the other perks.

Only a few people know of her affair. Her closest GF knew of it while it was going on and was her sounding board about what a crud husband I was. The only other people that know seem to be ok with the whole thing. Sort of a *o well. that was bad. lets move on.*

Internally I dont believe WW struggles at all. She claims she *never thinks of it* (the affair) unless I bring it up. And when I bring it up she usually flies into a rage and is completely unreasonable thereby becoming impossible to talk to.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I made the mistake of suggesting a boob job to my WW. OM played the 'I think you're amazing the way you are' card.

Safety tip: stay away from boob jobs, even as a topic.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:06 PM, November 1st (Friday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

I knew it! We really are married to the same woman.

Internally I dont believe WW struggles at all. She claims she *never thinks of it* (the affair) unless I bring it up. And when I bring it up she usually flies into a rage and is completely unreasonable thereby becoming impossible to talk to.

What I finally figured out was this is actually a symptom of compartmentalization driven by toxic shame. Anger is often a sign that they're hiding something, but in this case, what she was hiding, she was hiding from herself.

After I started the second ride on the roller coaster (triggered by coworkers' A) and started reading SI, I had better tools to crack her nut. Still wasn't easy,

A few weeks ago, I got, "I'm actually a very shallow person." The other night it was, "I am not a good person."

Actually, I believe she is a good person, now. Then, not so much.

Did we tell you R is a long fucking road? If I live to be a thousand, I think I'll still be learning about it.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I finally figured out was this is actually a symptom of compartmentalization driven by toxic shame.

I believe this is on the money, MoreWould. My wife seems to hurt and become defensive when I'm triggering (because that's the consequences of her bad choices, right in her face), and seems happy as can be on my good days. If I rugswept her A I think she would happily join me and we could go on being the happy suburban couple with the 4 adorable children.

By the way, your name is triggering me right now. "MoreWould" makes me think of "more wood", which my wife was getting on a steady basis from April 2012 to February 2013.

Just kidding brother. Have a great weekend gents.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:58 PM, November 1st (Friday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey fellas, had to take a short hiatus to run a self-diagnostic Data style. Things weren't computing. Haven't been able to catch back up yet.

t/j
Losfer, the Lagunitas was really good. WW didn't care for it, but what does she know! She's got shit for taste when it comes to beer and affair partners.

Cheers all!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal,

I'm sorry about the trigger, Have another brewski on me.

It's actually a play on another user name that's built on a family name. To me, here, it means:

More Would Survive

But, I've been accused of worse. We all have. Like I got accused of bringing up her A to "break us apart". As if the A itself had nothing to do with it.

Have a great weekend gents.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gents - sorry I haven't been on here in a while. Been a rough week, and not because of anything with the W.

I got the dreaded email at work from my VP.... you know, the "stop fucking around or you're going to get fired" email.

Thing is, she's right. My mind had been shit lately. I can't concentrate sometimes... can't focus. That email was a wake up call. I don't fuck up. That ain't me. So...call it what you will, but I re-dedicated myself to my job. That is what is important to me right now. I have a bit of a hole to dig myself out of, but I've done it before and I can do it again.

So - to any of the new (or not so new) guys on here... don't be me. Don't let this shit affect your work to the point where they are threatening to let you go.

Don't fuck up.

Happy Friday, gentlemen. Tip one back for me.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like I got accused of bringing up her A to "break us apart".

Just kidding MW, but I went ahead and had that beer on you. And this quote cracked me up. WWs really do say the dumbest things. Once when I complained about triggering when I hear train whistles, my WW said in an exasperated tone "well, that's not my fault." Right, hon. All you did was screw a Union Pacific employee multiple times a week for 10 months. Don't suppose that has anything to do with my train whistle trigger? Maybe just a little?

One brother who doesn't come around here much anymore posted something a few months back about his wife accusing him of not thinking about the kids' best interests after he told her he wanted to divorce. As if she had the kids in mind when the OM was banging her brains out. Which is the reason he wanted the divorce.

You can't make this stuff up. WW thinking will make you go crazy if you let it. They really do live in a bizarre fantasy world. We're all just visitors.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“stop fucking around or you're going to get fired"

Wake up call eh? I know it too well. All we can do is give it our best. Glad you’ve been able to spend the week working on it. It’s a struggle for me daily. I was so far down the rabbit hole I did not want the career I’ve worked so hard on. Then I was not sure about it. Now that I think I do I’ve got a tough road ahead rebuilding relationships and fighting the shame of being a pretty shitty professional for the past couple of years. But like you said it is a hole to dig out of and we got the shovel.

"well, that's not my fault."

I guess I’m kind of lucky. My W understands I would love to not have anything associated with the crap that triggers me and it is her fault I do.

Time to go Menz. Have a great weekend!


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because those WW who were forgiven and not divorced, in the end, really lost nothing. They got to have their fun, got to have their romance, got to have their hot throbbing porno sex, got forgiven, got to keep their families, got to keep their sucker husbands, and got to keep their comfy lifestyles.

My wife lost nothing... except her good reputation. She is enjoying the same financial support and perks as she always has as my wife.

Me? I got unbearable pain, loss of self esteem, emasculation, nightmares, insomnia, higher blood pressure, debt, uncertainty, wildly fluctuating moods, doubt, distrust.... shall I go on?

I am still considering letting the D go on. I vascillate day to day. There is something telling me that I would be happier if I divorced her, but then I'm still in love with her. Sucks.

Boy, I could have written that also! Word for effing word... I can't wait for the day that she'll expect me to say something to counter some slander on her reputation... The other day, she said something about one of the neighbor kids - how nice she is and hoping that she doesn't grow up "like her mother". I told her - in no uncertain terms - "You live in a glass house right now, and you can't judge fucking anybody."

That kinds went over like a fart in church, but it passed quickly...


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ascian I know it defies logic but doesnt all their actions.


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, their anger and raging may be from compartmentalizing and toxic shame, but the point of it all
is to get you to shut up.

It's manipulation. To teach you that calling them out on their shit gets you punished.

Manipulation via histrionics - to the extent of putting you in untenable situations.
That's a hell of a way to live, and for sure is a hell of a way to die. FTN.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ontheslope,

Does your VP know what you are going through? If not, I'd suggest letting her know. I had to let certain people in my company know when I started therapy (14 months out from DDay). In my job, seeking psychiatric help for anything can cost you your career - once I told them, they've done everything they can to support me. There was a cost, I knew that going in, but I was faced with losing my job because I was a basket case or losing my job because I sought help. If you haven't told someone who can keep your confidence, like a HR rep, then I recommend doing so. And get help. I knew I had PTSD, but my own self diagnosis doesn't mean shit in the corporate world. When you hand them the diagnosis from a brain trauma expert with credentials, it's a different story. I'm not saying it's a shield, but it's a buffer.

Great discussion on what the WW lost with respect to honor and trust. My wife lost my trust, because that was something I gave her - it wasn't inherent in her. Her honor and respect? It is kinda obvious to me that those were something she didn't value going in. Let's face it - she offered herself up for free as a sex toy on Ashley Madison. Some people just don't care about those values. To me, they are my core. Nobody can give them to me, and nobody can take them away.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW thinking will make you go crazy if you let it. They really do live in a bizarre fantasy world. We're all just visitors.

Right on the money!

All in all, I'd rather be in my shoes than in hers. She got laid but I got to keep my honor and integrity. She's a shell of what she was but I'm a man who knows he's faithful and trustworthy. She has trouble sleeping at night, while I sleep just fine. She lives in the shadows and has to parse every word carefully, while I have nothing to hide from anyone. She lives in a prison of her own making, while I'm free. Of course it took many years to process all this and think it through.

Haven't seen WAL around for awhile and need his permission first, but I'd sure like to post something he wrote on the consequences of being a WW that would pertain to this thread.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Tred, slope. I know this is an embarrassing topic, but if the VP doesn't know your situation then she's no doubt getting the wrong impression about your decreased productivity. Even if she's not sympathetic, you have nothing to lose by telling her.

Let's face it - she offered herself up for free as a sex toy on Ashley Madison.

I hear you, Tred. Mine offered herself up as a sex toy without any outside help. I guess it comes easy for some.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to More Wood for a second, Sal. Don’t mean to trigger you any more than I already have.

One of the problems in our M that led to W’s A was I had "more wood" than she wanted. I wanted more sex, she wanted more men. When one of the BMenz sits down on DDay and asks himself what he wasn’t giving that our W needed, not too many of us were ready and willing to give her that.

While some people have A’s because they’re not “getting enough”, it’s a truism that waywards are often the ones in an M that are not “giving enough”. That was my WW, a FOO-driven fear of intimacy that she countered by getting intimate with the OM. Spread it thin enough, you don’t notice how scary it is. Me, I was trying to go deep, which was part of the problem. Who knew?

[This message edited by MoreWould at 12:45 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great points, MW. I tried to give my wife all the "wood" a wife could want, and for years she turned me away. Maybe once a month for awhile, then it gradually increased to about twice a month, then almost once a week right before her affair. She had me trained to think that I was really getting some when it was coming once a week! Then the other man basically got it from her anytime he wanted it for almost a year. Makes me sick to think about it. But she wasn't committed to him, so I guess in her mind he wasn't the "threat" to her that I was.

I think WWs with intimacy and FOO issues subconsciously seek the destruction they just KNOW is coming their way, anyway. So why not be proactive? It's really a screwed up way of thinking, but it illustrates the damage that dysfunctional families do to children. The destruction may not manifest itself until they are 21, 25, 35, or in my wife's case, 40, but without early therapy it's coming one way or the other. My wife was always a ticking time bomb, I was just too blind and naive to see it.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No shit, Sal. I suppose it's possible that mine might have grown past her FOO without an A, but the world is full of POSERS who can smell the blood in the water miles away and make a hobby out of taking advantage. If it wasn't him, likely would have been another. Hell, maybe there was another and I just didn't find out.

In my WW's case, I don't think she had enough self confidence to have initiated an A on her own, but you never know. FOO runs deep, hers a lot of things with infant abandonment and ACOA leading the pack. Rough stuff even though her parents and siblings seemed more than nice enough when I met them.

Like somebody said here a while back, once I got to know them better I marveled at how she was the only one in her family that came out of it unscathed. Wrong.

In her case, she acted on the crazy early, a few years into our M, when she was only 26. She now says she was lucky to have gotten it out of her system early. She still doesn't see how lucky she was that I didn't D her on the spot, which happens something like 80% of the time when an A hits in the first 5 years of an M. "No kids, not much investment, moving on."

I'll give her this. She did turn into a good person. Took a long time before I realized it, but I hung in. Glad I did now, but I sure took a lot of damage below the water line.

Recently got triggered in finding out just how much. More than even I knew. Thanks to SI and especially the BMenz for helping me through it.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
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