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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your story. So sorry No12turn2.

Sounds to me like an exit affair. She probably had checked out on you a long time ago. Had you not filed for D it probably would have gone PA.

Start living the 180 every day. Read it every day and memorize it. It took me a while but after a couple of weeks it became second nature. Of course it was easier for me because my WW was gone from the house and was not physically present, but the other aspects such as getting in shape, eating healthy, being cheerful even when you dont feel cheerful...all those "positive" parts of the 180 helped me tremendously.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 4:47 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to second what DefeatedDad said, Razor. She's sort of letting you know the way things are going to go in your marriage the next time she feels like she isn't getting what she wants (or in WW speak, "needs") from you. She has already experienced the painful fallout of an affair and is basically encouraging someone else to go down the same dark path.

I hear you. She has mentioned this a few times to me when the subject of her friend comes up. Each time she told me of her *advice* I said she had it backwards. That her friend should D first then find someone else. (some other victim)

Her friend is pretty unstable and basically gets married to men for what they can provide for her then will eventually complain they are abusive and will eventually end up in divorce. This last guy she married because he had a house.

This subject will no doubt come up again and when it does I will go much further than just saying her advice is backward. I'll tell her how her advice reflects on her and how I feel about it. That should be a interesting convo.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No12,

I read your story as well. You said:

She claims she is choosing herself right now and encourages me to do the same to make it easy.

I'd say she is giving you good advice. Choose yourself. Get healthy for yourself. Work on those abs, get a haircut, pamper yourself. What's the worst that can happen? The next woman gets a better you if this one is too stupid to appreciate what she has. And I don't think she does. Sorry brother.

[This message edited by Tred at 5:04 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No1.

First the 180 is not about getting your WW back. It isnt about getting your M back on track or getting your WW to work at R either.

The 180 is all about regaining your own sanity.

You can not make your WW do those things anyway. You cant force her to care or feel about you or want to restore what she broke. She either wants these things on her own or she doesnt.

I think most of us wanted to get our M back right after Dday. We wanted things to be like they were. (as ridiculous as it sounds) We wanted the LTA to not have happened. We just wanted our damned life back.

But that train already left the station.

By the sound of it your WW is already checked out of your M and is moving on on her own. You cant shackle her to your bed post. If she wants to go she will.

I think for allot of WS they have this fairy tale idea of what their life will be like with their AP. And sometimes the best way to end that dream is to let the WS have their way and go full time with their AP. You start D proceedings and withdraw ALL support. Financial. Emotional. Doing things for them. All of it (this is what is called the HARD 180). Let the OM live up to that. And many times that makes the fairy tale come to a end.

After that SOME WS want to return to the M. IF that happens then its up to the BS to decide if they want them back.

The thing I am wanting to say is that we all would like our old lives back. But that just isnt going to happen. That old life (as we thought it was) is gone. And we can pine after it all we like but no amount of hoping or wishing or pining away will bring it back to life. At this point the only sane thing to do is to turn away and start to find your own path in life without your WW.

This can be a good thing. Start a new hobby. Or restart a activity you gave up years ago. Take a night class after work. Exercise. There are allot of ways you can grow and expand your life experience.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No1 - the 180 works for you.
Not necessarily her. (That's why letting go of the outcome frees your mind).

If she's a normal person - capable of being whole, or at least doing the work to make herself whole, good.

Take for example normal. You are normal - it's in your profile. What was your reaction (normal) to her turning away from you and getting involved in games?
You were

almost to the point where I wanted to quit my game and I started to notice that I could no longer acquire her attention.

That's a fairly normal reaction. If she's normal - she will have that reaction to your 180. If she doesn't - she's abnormal (or normal for one who is already checked out)...
remember though, you're not doing it for her reaction
but
you'll see.
You'll be healing on your own regardless.

A not-normal reaction saves you much heartache - makes things clear.
180. Be the master of it.

Guys, help me out. I need 75 bucks. Can we not represent?

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=511209

(thanks SG & Tred)

Ser only needs 50...WE need 125. 2 days. Cmon.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No1,

I filed for D while she was in another state "Trying to think about us". That's when I found out about the OM and caused their relationship to go south. He lived in that state and she had plans to meet him. Had her served at home after I picked her up from the airport. Feel free to read my story. Link is on my profile

A lot of guys get this same story. I did. OM was 600 miles away in my case. Get ready for another dday where you find out that it was more than video chatting. Until a WS makes a complete turn around and throws all in, they will lie and TT and minimize and gaslight all so they can damage control without realizing that they are just causing more damage. If your wife is not doing everything she can to make things right then assume she is still lying to you.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Unfortunately this shit is only starting.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7118 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure I care to know anymore details. I don't think I could take her back if there was TT at that magnitude. We shall see.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong No1, you'll be alright even if you can't quite see how yet.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kinda/sorta got let go by our MC today. Not in a "you guys are the worst"-type sense....more like in the "you guys are stable right now"-sense. She basically said (and I agree) that we've gone as far as we can go as a couple until my wife works on her FOO stuff....which she's going to begin with her new IC in two weeks or so. A lot of very good, and very healthy, stuff going on in our house lately. Feeling good for the future.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP,

Awesome man, I'm happy for you.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
UnAware43
♂ New Member
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you FP!!


Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great news FP.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7118 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Happy  Posted: 10:37 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the Thread Jack guys but the Boston Red Sox are the World Champions!!!! In the words of David Ortiz (Big Papi) "This is our fucking city" For the first time in 95 year the Sox won a World Series at home.


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No such thing as a threadjack here!

Glad to hear the news FP!

That's cool about the sox d4 - for a non-follower, I'm happy for them, since they seem so snake-bit in the past.
Now, since Nolan Ryan left the Rangers management, I don't hold out much hope they'll be returning anytime soon.
I'm excited about the upcoming college bball season - it ought to be very exciting & interesting this year - I'm predicting another UK/KU final...we'll see.

I want to thank you guys for *representing* down in the F&G chess thread.

I'll start tonight...
(& there's still time for more bets....)


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, since Nolan Ryan left the Rangers management, I don't hold out much hope they'll be returning anytime soon.


Wash your mouth out with soap. Language like that will not be tolerated!

Rangers 2014!!!


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some help this morning. My first appointment cancelled so I had the morning free .( My ww and I work together) so usually when this occurs we sleep in a extra hour or so. Today my WW got up at the normal time and got us out of the house. Our agreement was that my WW was to call me when she left the house and to call me when she made it to the office . She did this but it took her an extra 20mins to get to the office . I decided to check the hidden gps I have on her car . The Gps show's she was at the op shop( the gps I have on the car is a cheap one but it did register the op address) now I plan on calling the op wife to see if the om went to the shop early today. What would you do


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ItsGoing.

I would start checking. Dont let on to your WW that you suspect anything.

I have to say that this does not look good. If OM was at his shop then obviously they met up. If OM was NOT at his shop then she was parked out front mooning over the times they (her and OM) were together there. Maybe she is missing her OM?

All of that is bad.

But find out whats going on before you let on.

R


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsgoingtobeok)))
I'm sorry man - she's been cheating on you - serially - your entire M.

Definitely, keep your cards close to your vest & never reveal your sources.

Everyone has a different breaking point. I would have reached mine long before this.

Do you have your ducks in a row?
Have you seen a L?

You know what to do - do it for yourself brother.
I'm so sorry you've been living with this for so long.
Breaks my dam heart how people are.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you know about this OM? Is he M?

I would see a lawyer and find out what you can do as far as a restraining order and protecting your finances.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


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