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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it wrong for me to disappointed with my wife for not standing up for what is right?

A similar situ here.

WW has her best GF who is married to a drunk that verbally abuses her. Thats GFs side of the story anyway. (and we all know how reliable storys like that are)

This GF has always chosen bad boys for husbands. This guy is #3. The other 2 left and D her.

WW council to her is to go on line and find a new guy THEN D her husband.

This seems backward to me. Sort of like. Go have a affair with a guy that can support you. Then D your husband.

Advice like this kinda is a window into my WW thinking pattern.

Ive told WW that she has it backward. But she just doesnt seem to get it.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW council to her is to go on line and find a new guy THEN D her husband.
Yep because any man that would date you while you are married is going to be the kind of man that sticks around once you are officially divorced and available...talk about continuing the cycle. And this GF probably wonders why she keeps meeting the "wrong one".

Indeed this is ass backwards and the very reason I won't be dating until my D is final.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:04 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Unaware - Sorry you were put in this position but you will survive...Like the others said look at it as a blessing that you no longer have to live with the serial cheater and all the shit that goes with it. My STBXWW dragged me through two years of hell before I finally pulled the plug 6 months ago. I've live more life in these past 6 months than I did the last 5 years of my marriage. It is liberating to be free of the constant stress and the elephant that is always lurking in the corners. Take it one day at a time brother and it will get better, trust me it will get better. I too never thought I'd survive this shit but I have and I am now relishing life without the huge anchor dragging me down. You will find peace brother...


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW council to her is to go on line and find a new guy THEN D her husband.

This seems backward to me. Sort of like. Go have a affair with a guy that can support you. Then D your husband.

If this is your WW's line of reasoning, then why are you still with her? Kids?

Your wife is indeed showing you a window into her mind: a dark, twisted, bass ackwards mentality that bodes ill for any true R between the two of you.

If this is her attitude, she demonstrates a complete lack of morals and boundaries.

Sorry man, that's just my take.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it wrong for me to be disappointed with my wife for not standing up for what is right?

After further review...

I talked to wife more about the situation last night. She did tell her friend a lot of "you are throwing away your life" stuff, just not a flat out "you are wrong!" So, I feel better about the whole ordeal.

Wow, I really am fragile right now though. Got my boat rocked by someone else's infidelity. Just shows how much damage wife's affair causes me.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like your wife is backtracking to me. She knows what she told you upset you and now she is doing damage control.

Id take it with a grain of salt.

Your wife needs to go back to Sunday School. She missed some raising along the way somewhere because her view of marriage and fidelity is skewed.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:34 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW council to her is to go on line and find a new guy THEN D her husband.

Man, even vampires are more subtle than that.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7101 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A BH over at TAM posted this in a thread. I thought you guys would like to read it. I thought it was excellent:

You're Sorry?

For what? For getting caught? For failing as a wife and mother? For hurting me? Yourself? Letting down everyone who has a stake in our marriage? It’s never really been clear to me why you’re sorry. If I understood you and your actions, this thing might be easier for us both.

If you’re sorry for what you did to me, you can let it go. I’m well beyond the worst of the pain and long ago accepted the fact that a person like me can never really understand why you engaged in an extended adulterous relationship and an even more extended period of cover-ups.

Yes, it’s true that I was emotionally crippled by your infidelity, and was continually and effectively beat-down by your lying and gaslighting, but I’m a tough man. Much tougher than you. You only have the power to destroy me if I give you that power, and I hereby officially revoke your privileges. I’m back on my feet, much stronger and much wiser.

Now that the pain has subsided, ration and logic prevail. With the veil of love and intimacy -- through which I viewed and idealized you – rent asunder, your true nature and character are revealed to me. I no longer deceive myself. I no longer believe what my heart wants to believe, but believe what I see; I believe the evidence. This does not bode well for you.

For so many years, even when things were tough between us, I considered you easily within the top 5th percentile of women. Truly, that was a function of me being gravely deceived by my heart. Now that ration prevails, let’s do the calculations, shall we?

Channeling the various experts, generally accepted statistics show that 60% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Out of that 60%, approximately 65% of the offenders are men, and 35% are women. So, calculating that back out into the general population, you are already solidly in the lower 25th percentile.

Out of that lower 25th percentile, I can speculate that few would’ve gone to the extent of lying, deceiving, and gaslighting to which you stooped. As your secrets unraveled around you, I sometimes marveled as just how stupid you sounded, and was astounded that you expected me to believe your outrageous drivel. No, I can’t help but believe that a goodly number of the lower 25th percentile would’ve understood when the gig was up, and would’ve come clean long before creating a circus for the sole purpose of acting the chief clown, as you did.

By my calculations, the woman my heart thought was a top five-percenter turned out to easily reside in the realm of the lower 10th percentile.

Caveat emptor, indeed.

How could you treat me with such contempt? How could you think me so stupid as to accept your lies? How could you risk your financial well-being, the respect of your children, your health, your employment, your reputation, everything that we built together over 25 years?

I think I know. Contrary to my earlier contention, I guess I do understand you: it’s called projection.

You thought me gullible, yet you were the one to drop your panties to the first little piggy that blew a few kind words under your skirt.

You thought me desperate, yet you’re the one who left no lie untold in order to remain in our home.

You thought me ignorant, yet you followed the script of every other adulterous woman, shining the spotlight of shame so brightly on yourself that the Three Wise Men themselves couldn’t have helped but follow the trail.

You thought me manipulative, yet you carefully orchestrated an environment where I continued to support you materially while you secretly fed my treasure to another.

You thought me weak. You thought me vindictive. You thought me needy. You thought me controlling. You thought me immoral. You thought me dishonest. You thought me uncaring. You thought me an unfit parent.

I was simply your mirror. You looked at me, but you saw yourself. You hated what you saw, so you set out to destroy it.

And so you did.

You thought me a cold, callous man. In this one instance, you were correct – as you now find.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this is her attitude, she demonstrates a complete lack of morals and boundaries.

I have to second what DefeatedDad said, Razor. She's sort of letting you know the way things are going to go in your marriage the next time she feels like she isn't getting what she wants (or in WW speak, "needs") from you. She has already experienced the painful fallout of an affair and is basically encouraging someone else to go down the same dark path.

Doesn't say much about her as a wife or as a friend.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SOS

Fellow betrayed MEN!!! Is 180 or last resort method designed to work on a WW who actually wants you to get over her and move on?

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 3:09 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 339 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is designed to work on the person implementing it, to better him or herself. Regardless if the WS "gets it" or not.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SOS
Fellow betrayed MEN!!! Is 180 or last resort method designed to work on a WW who actually wants you to get over her and move on?

Well, the 180 CAN do that.

The primary purpose of the 180 is to help YOU emotionally detach from your WW and the situation...primarily for your own mental and emotional well being. It gives you "emotional armor" so to speak, and "disarms" the psychological and emotional weapons your WS is using against you while in an affair, or is simply refusing to do anything to reconcile with you.

The 180 is there to help you focus on your own needs and become emotionally independent and released from worrying about the outcome.

Sometimes....sometimes... when a WW spouse begins to see you detaching and moving on with your life without them, sometimes this will draw them back to you and help ease them out of the affair fog and see what they stand to lose. I think the outcome is about 50/50 in making the WS want to come back to the marriage. It is not a given.

In my case, I kicked my WW out on DDay and basically did a hard 180...I went dark on her. I only responded to her e-mails concerning the kids and nothing more. A month and a half of silence from me and having no contact, I finally filed for D and when she was served she snapped and begged me to take her back.

Now that my wife and I are in a shaky R, I still do the 180 to an extent, except that I only use those parts of the 180 dealing with self improvement and self validation, not the ones about having no interaction with the WS other than to talk about D or the logistics of running the home.

That is what is kind of cool about the 180...you can adapt it to suit your situation.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 3:38 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was afraid you would say that. Not sure I'm ready to move on without her.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 339 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was afraid you would say that. Not sure I'm ready to move on without her.

Which is fine. The 180 isn't about moving on alone, it's about being able to be strong in yourself.

You don't do the 180 to draw your WS back to you. You don't do the 180 to push them away either. You do the 180 because it helps you become stronger, to be happy with yourself, and to move into the future (with or without someone else).


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was afraid you would say that. Not sure I'm ready to move on without her.

But move on you must.

Not taking the initiative and reclaiming power over your life is what causes so many BSs to stay in limbo for years...miserable and tormented as they watch their WSs go out and screw strangers or covort with their APs.

Do not let yourself get to this point. Doing the 180 will help you to focus on the future and YOUR needs. You see right now, in her affair fog (I'm assuming she is having an A) she is not caring one whit about your needs or emotional health.

The 180 helps you stay sane in the midst of an insane situation.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 3:43 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as I know, she ended the affair. It was video chat based anyway and they never actually met, but did fall in love. She claims she is choosing herself right now and encourages me to do the same to make it easy.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 339 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No1, sorry brother, There's an axiom around here. *When someone shows you who they are, believe them*. I think it applies. 180 for yourself. Get some space between you and her. Work on you brother.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was afraid you would say that. Not sure I'm ready to move on without her.
But what if she continues to move on without YOU. She already had at minimum an EA with someone which means she has already moved on without you. Whether she becomes remorseful and comes back to the M remains to be seen.

There is nothing to say she won't file for D or up and leave this evening or tomorrow. I don't say that to be mean but to say it's a potential reality for you. She already took the step of having an EA that you know of and doesn't seem willing to come back to the M or do the work to figure out why seh did it. This is why focusing on you is important. No matter how much you want it or try to will your WW back to the M the only thing you have control over is yourself so work on you. Keep posting it helps.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 4:16 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed for D while she was in another state "Trying to think about us". That's when I found out about the OM and caused their relationship to go south. He lived in that state and she had plans to meet him. Had her served at home after I picked her up from the airport. Feel free to read my story. Link is on my profile

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 4:32 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 339 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your story. So sorry No12turn2.

Sounds to me like an exit affair. She probably had checked out on you a long time ago. Had you not filed for D it probably would have gone PA.

Start living the 180 every day. Read it every day and memorize it. It took me a while but after a week it became second nature. Of course it was easier for me because my WW was gone from the house and not physically present, but the other aspects such as getting in shape, eating healthy, being cheerful even when you dont feel cheerful...all those "positive" parts of the 180 helped me tremendously.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
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