Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.
Big Bird: boy
My life is forever changed. Damn. Thanks for the closure on this debate, though WFAD.
I still struggle with work. I feel like I am riding off of my job history... what I have done in the past with the intensity and level of detail that I used to put in to my job. Now I am a shadow of that. I really want to get back to my previous performance and passion for my work. If for nothing else, integrity. My employer pays me good money. I should give them a good ROI.
I don't think anyone really change in their core. For instance, I always had a problem with anxiety. But I learned to cope and control it so I can live a happy life. I hate flying but I'm able to fly abroad once a year. If you once were an alcoholic you will probably never be able to touch alcohol again even though you are sober.
My W will neve love me like I love her because fidelity is part of my definition of love. But now she can do a very good job of mimicking.
The insecurity this has caused in me is tremendous. I'm drawing into myself again and away from my wife.
Never be afraid of the truth
She claims he was no more desirable or better than me. But I can tell when she's being dishonest. She just shuts down and doesn't answer the questions or she avoids them. She has been better the last couple of weeks. But if she was given the choice right now between me and him, and didn't have to worry about recriminations from family or losing he children, all things being equal I know she would choose him. She's says that's not true of course. Of course she has to say that. She no longer has him to run to.
One thing I have to admit about my wife's AP is that from a physical and social standpoint he outclassed me.
Younger, handsomer, better shape, bigger crank and he is a funny sociable guy who everyone loves to be around.
Seriously, though...fuck all that noise. This dude is not a tenth the man that you are. He's a fucking snake....a weasel. He didn't kick your door down and announce to the world that he's a better, stronger, bigger man than you, here to take all that is yours....he snuck around like a little bitch and only took what he could get when you weren't around...to quote WAL, "He knows that he's fucking food."
Think about it....you guys never had a confrontation of any kind,right? So not only was he scared of you catching him during the A, he was even scared of the idea of you catching him. He was frightened of the specter of you that loomed large over the A....otherwise, why operate in the shadows like a bitch-ass thief? (That's a 'BAT', I'm calling it) Him an his supposedly giant tool didn't make him feel like enough of a man to find his own woman, he had to take the easy prey.
I don't believe for a second he's better in any way than you.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:23 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]
I guess I need to figure out now why my wife was the easy prey. I guess she does too.
The OM was scared shitless of me by the way, and one reason why my wife begged me not to confront him after DDay was she was afraid I would hurt him.
Now it's all about convincingly self that I am the better man, but that damn woman has sliced me open to the core.
DefeatedDad, the guy is a piece of garbage. Just accept that, because it's the truth.
Whether you're a man or a woman, there's always going to be someone younger, handsomer, buffer, smarter, richer, whatever. Or someone who is perceived that way by others. But not everyone. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and different people have different tastes.
Without conceding your assertion that this guy is so much better than you in all the departments you mentioned, I'm guessing this guy can't match up to you in other departments, such as honor, honesty, integrity, character, and class. Without even knowing you personally, I'd say that's a pretty safe bet.
Love is a choice as they say around here. Your wife chose to love you, and apparently has decided to recommit to that choice after losing her way for awhile. You shouldn't assume that she's doing so for purely superficial reasons. Besides, she knows Mr. Wonderful a lot better than you do (unfortunately). He may be a lot less than meets the eye. He definitely is in the character and integrity department, right? And as FP alluded, I think we can assume the man has some self-worth issues. You'd have to have those issues to accept a situation like that. Personally, I can't imagine devoting so much time and energy to a woman knowing that every night she slipped into bed with another man and that every morning she woke up with another man. Not exactly the picture of good emotional health, huh?
This guy probably totally outclasses you in one department - superficial charm. Hell, he has you sold on his awesomeness. The difference between the two of you - he needs that charm to get through life. To hide his lack of character, integrity, and morals. To hide a sense of self that is so deficient that he's willing to share a woman's body with another man and to have a "girlfriend" that he knows is unfaithful. Wow.
ETA: We cross-posted DD, just wanted to weigh in on a couple of things...
"I guess I need to figure out now why my wife was the easy prey. I guess she does too."
Agree with the last part. Unless she figures it out, none of your analysis will help the marriage much. But I get it - I often find myself trying to make sense of the senseless.
"The OM was scared shitless of me by the way..."
Doesn't sound like much of a hero to me.
"...and one reason why my wife begged me not to confront him after DDay was she was afraid I would hurt him."
Doesn't sound like she thinks he's all that studly, either.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 3:48 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by UnAware43 at 7:23 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]
One thing I have to admit about my wife's AP is that from a physical and social standpoint he outclassed me. Younger, handsomer, better shape, bigger crank and he is a funny sociable guy who everyone loves to be around
One more thing. Do you realize that the funniest people and the ones that everyone wants to hang around have some inner demons. Robin Williams, Richard pryor tried to commit suicide. Howie Mandel has so many OCD traits he might be better living in a bubble. Just something to think about.
she would choose him
& we were talking about acceptance. Here's how I fit it:
She may choose him, sure nuf, but you know? I choose me.
Why don't you choose you? Is my self image so small I'd depend on an unremorseful cheater choosing me to feel good about myself?
Me's a pretty good thing to choose, all deep and all. All right and all. All true and and all. Yeah. I choose me.
Cuz you, wifey, you may be banging the muscle shlonged thonged thing and all, banging for a hundred years - enjoy your time while it lasts, it will end.
Then what you got?
Another search for a desperate dick to fill your hole? Girl, there ain't enough dick in the universe to fill the blackness - see?
while you were out choosing others, medicating your yawning crying hungry emptiness,
all the while,
I chose me.
At one point, I was surprised that I was afraid to go out.
Me? Agoraphobia? Say it aint so!
DS22 is planning on seeing a shrink for this. He told me recently that gripping his cell phone makes him feel connected to others and keeps the agoraphobia under control. I wish I could hook him up with you for some advice but don't want him to know why I'm on this site.
My W will never love me like I love her because fidelity is part of my definition of love. But now she can do a very good job of mimicking.
Excellent way to put it, nuance. WW could give those annoying mimes with the clown faces a run for their money.
Buzzkill...? Never. What are we all here for, except to act as sounding boards to listen and offer our stated wealth of experience from where we are on our own personal timeline. I mean, the GIFs, beers, and jokes are all good, but at the end of the day, this site is for exactly what you did.
Exactly my thoughts. I am glad that you are doing better today, though, DefeatedDad.
Sending strength to any of you who may be struggling tonight. Take care.
But if she was given the choice right now between me and him, and didn't have to worry about recriminations from family or losing he children, all things being equal I know she would choose him. She's says that's not true of course. Of course she has to say that. She no longer has him to run to.
Two things about this. The first and most important is that saying shit like of course she'd say that isn't fair. Of course, what they did to us isn't fair, but throwing the same shit back doesn't transform it into something else. We all get pissed when we say something and they take it and twist it - "Oh, he just says that because he has to." Yeah, I had to stop and get you flowers because I love you babe. Right.
Doing that same thing, it only hurts you in the long run. It's hard to accept what they say as valid after the shit they have pulled, but part of moving forward in R is swallowing that shit sandwich and accepting that you still have to play by the rules - unless you want to be the same thing they were, which is irrational in their anger and other insanity emo-stew.
The second and less important thing is... man, there are a billion young male dicks out there, her vagina isn't any more magical than your cock is. She was easy and available for this guy, because if she was anything more than that to him then he'd be suffering through the agony you're going through right now in his heroic efforts to be with her. Where is his ass? Conspicuously fucking absent. If she doesn't understand that, then that's her damage.
Since I am an opaque moron, the TLDR is: try to accept what she says at the same value when it's positive as when it's negative, and you're awesome even if she's too stupid to see it.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:52 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]
I'll help any way I can.
Like I said, just 'let it be' whatever it is. Own it, in the sense of 'it's ok to feel this'...now.
Go ahead and let the fear out:
'will it be this way from now on?'
Acknowledge it, it's ok to have that - then you realize "now on" is the future.
Not written. Not certain. Not even real!
So the stress of expectations evaporates in the face of "just now". That's all it is.
I found comfort in that. It relaxed me - the pressure gone, and I had peace.
I released the unwritten, unreal future fear, I gave myself permission to feel what I feel now, and that was all there is. Fear, my own self-generated fear, lost its power.
I tasted it, swallowed it, and shit it out.