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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D is on the table indefinitely for me. I filed a month and a half after DDay and the next week when my WW was served she broke and begged me to get back together.

The D has never been dismissed. My lawyer just keeps doing 6 month continuations. I'm holding D over my wife's head as one way to ensure this is not a false reconciliation. I find out she has lied or TTd me anymore, or if she contacts her AP again, then we are done and my lawyer will set the date.

I guess I should say thT my wife has gone above and beyond being the wife she always should have been. Now she just needs to own her own shit and stop the running and lying.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so tired of fucking up at work. I used to be so dependable and forward thinking. I was ďthe manĒ. Now I have more days than not that I have trouble seeing any light because my head is so far up my ass (or maybe stuck in the sand). I am so fortunate to work with the people I do. They have put up with so much shit. If today was the end of my time here Iíd understand. Just fuck.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I here you, foundoutlater. I run a small professional practice. My wife and I are the staff. Our finances are based on our productivity. My wife spent the first two months of this year finding excuses to be away from the office, or to leave early. Turns out she was hooking up with OM, feeding his dogs when he was out of town, and basically playing childless-couple-housewife with him in her secret life. (Ex: she borrowed tupperware from him to use at OUR daughter's party, she dropped off a steam cleaner for him to repair. Just a regular, loving couple they were )

Of course that affected productivity. Her contributions to this office were important. Then she was "fired" for a couple of weeks after D Day. I spent unknown hours surfing the net for infidelity related material. Hours that could have been spent representing clients, marketing, answering calls and landing potential new clients, and generally being productive.

Things have come to a head. A once thriving practice is now barely paying the bills. My wife is looking for a full-time job. I'm not saying that her affair is the reason for all of this, because the bottom line is that it has been my responsibility for years now to provide for this family and my failure to do so adequately this year is on me. But the fact remains she neglected her duties by putting time with her lover over our practice, and I neglected my duties for days and weeks at a time because of my mental state. We have lost dozens of workday hours in MC. The chickens have come home to roost I suppose.

And here's the kicker for my wife: her degree gave her two options in life - go to med school, or teach high school or middle school science, which she did for a couple of years early in our marriage. She didn't go to med school and the school districts around here aren't hiring science teachers. So basically she has to take whatever hourly work she can find. And now we have to figure out who's going to pick up the kids after school and all that other fun stuff. We were never rich, but I earned enough to support 6 people on one income and to give her the freedom and flexibility that she wanted, and she shit on that life. I guess that's justice, but innocent people are going to get caught up in her receipt of it. Already have.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:47 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fell down a dark hole after DDay. Couldn't keep my mind on the job and the lack of sleep was making me loopy at work. I'm amazed I am still employed.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've all been down in that hole, man. Hell, I got promoted some how in the middle of being in that hole. The stress was almost more than I could take.

I'm in a bit of a hole right now. I just can't stand the ups and downs anymore. I was doing good for a couple days, and now I'm back to being down ina funk, and I have terrible anxiety. I pushed pretty hard at work today, but nothing out of the ordinary. Just a rough day I guess. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling weak.

I feel like everything in my life is spiralling out of control. I used to be such a happy, confidentn strong person. Where the hell did that guy go?

God I hate this. I could break down and cry right now. My fucking team is in the mother fucking world series and I'm sitting here fighting back tears and a panic attack. I'm shaking.

4 years man. I should be over this by now. Where's my healing, huh?

I just can't do this anymore.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn ontheslope Iím sorry man. Iíve got nothing that is gonna help tonight except mind-block, have a beer and try to focus on the game.

4 years man. I should be over this by now. Where's my healing, huh?

Itís a fucked up place when it has all be pushed down and it comes up uncontrolled. I think Iíve realized I pushed it down for years (after DDay#1) and that shit ate at me and I did not realize it. You are not alone in this man. Youíve been at this for four years, but like you have said you pushed it down and that did not work. So itís been a lot less. It can get better.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4 years man.

^^^yes you should be over it as you say. So, the question becomes, why not? what is holding you back? what are you holding on to?

From the first week post dday, my IT friend, who is Buddhist, would ask me if I have figured out where my pain is...where is the pain originating from?

I am still digging. But I have concluded that its all about me now.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working out and losing weight helped me through. But eventually I had to start taking Zoloft. It helped with the rollercoaster but what it actually did was release my anger. I made my fWW's life hell on earth for about a month.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ontheslope - I am sorry that you are hurting, man. As you know, I was hurting and feeling stuck a few days ago, myself. You were one of the ones that helped talk me through it.

I've found that one of the biggest challenges out of everything isn't necessarily forgiveness, it is acceptance. Accepting the past for what it is. At the same time, I have to accept that I'm going to continue to go through rough patches from time to time.

If you are feeling stuck right now, take comfort in the fact that you will get through this. You aren't going to be stuck permanently. The pain comes in waves, or in cycles, however you want to view it.

Picture your pain as a crash cymbal on a drum set. When you first started experiencing this pain, it was uncontrolled bashing on that cymbal. Gradually, over time, you gain some control over it. You observe the crashing of the cymbal, and you can see that it settles on its own with time.

Now picture that cymbal being hit, and being able to reach out with your own hand and stop the reverberation of the noise with your own hand. Gaining control of how much that noise interferes with your life is key.

Try to find some beauty and peace. Whether it's a walk in fresh air, or enjoying your favorite team playing in the World Series.

You are worth it, dude.

Hope you get to feeling better soon. We're here for you, and have your back.

Who are you rooting for in the Series, by the way?


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Continuing with acceptance...
Not only accepting the past for what it is,
accepting the present.

At one point, I was surprised that I was afraid to go out.
Me? Agoraphobia? Say it aint so!
When I fought it - it became stronger, for about 10 minutes, then I say the heck with it. Let me just sit here inside, behind closed doors, and deal with it. Own it. So what? I'm agoraphobic.
It didn't last long after that.

That's one of the times I learned to just embrace whatever I was feeling, and not fight it.

Looking to the future - into the unknown - didn't help either. It was putting extra pressure of expectations on me -
Shouldn't I be over this by now?
or
When will I be over this?

...were not good thoughts for me. (I've learned we get through it, anyway)

The run-up to the holidays is a tough time too. Hell, I got served on Christmas. Surprise!
It gets better. It does.

Even metal screams when it's tempered.

Strength brothers)))


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind words, guys. They helped, and this morning is a little better, even if it was too damned cold to go for a run. I draw the line when it drops below the temperature at which water turns to ice.

I think acceptance is one of my biggest struggles. Accepting what she did. Accepting that I'm married to a woman whom I'm not in love with. Accepting that life right now isn't where I wanted it to be. Accepting that I'm in limbo.

I've heard that limbo is a slow death waiting to happen, and I think that that is where I am right now. I still don't know what I want. I think dep down I know that the A was a dealbreaker for me, but I also can't bring myself to give up on the family just yet. I go over everything in my head over and over again, but I'm still on the fence. I'd like to say I'm all in with R, but I'm not. I still recoil from her sometimes. I can't bring myself to be comfortable around her, to be vulnerable around her. My guard is still up. I've got walls around my heart.

The movie Shawshank Redemption had a good line in it: Get busy living, or get busy dying. I think in my case that line should be: Get busy staying, or get busy leaving. I don't think I can do limbo for very much longer.

I feel stupid sometimes... some of you have stories that are so much worse than mine, and yet many of you stayed and have figured out how to love your Ws again... or maybe you never stopped. I don't know. I just feel like I should be over this by now.

Get busy staying, or get busy leaving.

[This message edited by ontheslope at 6:43 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am convinced that there are two types of people - ones who can easily allow things to roll off them and ones who cannot.

Slope... I feel for you, man.

For some reason, once I was able to process my wife's affair and see her remorse I was able to put it out in front of me for inspection. I was able to see that, during her 3 year affair, she was simply a different person. Certainly different than who she is NOW.

And, for me, THAT was what is most important. I know that I can continue to wallow in the mire of what happened. But I see that she is remorseful and that our lives have changed... in most ways, for the better. So I'm able to move past that injustice and have come to a better place.

It's hard for me to make suggestions for how others should get there. Some of you guys have difficulty doing so and it actually pains me to see you guys, sometimes several years out, still stuck in that abyss. I wish I could "unstick" you and give you a magic out button, but all I can say is, "Keep moving forward."

As to the work struggles, I happen to be a physician. For about 3 months I was seeing patients with a glazed look in my eyes - literally sleeping walking through the office. After a while, though, it became a welcome escape. And I needed it!


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think dep down I know that the A was a dealbreaker for me, but I also can't bring myself to give up on the family just yet.
Filing for D doesn't mean giving up on your family. My WW gave up on my family when she had the A(s). To me your M and your family are two different things. I didn't have a remorseful WW so my choice was clear it just took me 2 years to figure that part out. If however my WW was remorseful I still eventually would have filed. My family is still my family but my M will soon be toast. I am okay with that. It's just me and the kids now. Yes I only have them 2 of the 4 weeks in a month but they are still my family.

IMO, if you are in limbo then take some time to figure out what defines you outside of your M. That's what was holding me back. It took me forever to figure out that my life had become defined by my M. And then it took a bit longer to figure out who I was as an individual again. My M had defined me for years and now faced with the explosion of that M at my STBXW's hands I couldn't figure out what my purpose was anymore. That wasn't good. My M didn't define me, my WW didn't define me, her A didn't define me, I defined me but I had forgotten that somewhere along the way. So I started figuring out who I was again and what I wanted. I remember sitting in the IC office saying what do I want out of life, after a pause I realized I had no fucking idea and it was because every single thing I did was tied to my M. Not that it was bad but somewhere along the way I lost myself and now faced with the reality of my M being gone I was really lost. Not only did I do everything for the benefit of my M but I find out my WW was actively pulling in the opposite direction for years and didn't want to change her ways. So I had to find myself again and it wasn't easy but it was doable.

If your WS is remorseful maybe you have a successful R, maybe you still file for D but either way the BS is changed and for me figuring out what I wanted helped me get out of limbo.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goood post 7yrsflushed. Agree 100%.

I had to take a step back as an individual and really look at who I am/was, then decide based on that. The M was a bust so I didn't feel a need to be part of it anymore unless I chose to. And after thinking about it, our M wasn't really a M, and there was no way I was going to continue on with the status quo. I deserve to be happy and appreciated, and that means cutting out the WW cancer completely. It's the only way for my situation. My heart goes out to you guys with a lot more intertwined circumstances than mine. It's Friday! I'll be tipping one back for you tonight.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of what hit me last night was that this shit is real. That I wasn't in pretend land any more. I was contemplating leaving my M.

Holy shit. I was contemplating leaving my M. Wow.

I think part of it is that I just can't wrap my head around the life altering change that that would mean.

My W tried to comfort me last night. I told her something was wrong, that I was super anxious and that my mind just wouldn't stop. But every time she kept offering to comfort me I recoiled from her. I wanted someone to comfort me, just not her. Thing is, I don't even know why!?!

This just sucks all the way around. I didn't ask for this. This wasn't supposed to be my life.

I've really been trying to concentrate on me, and I've done a ton of IC on what my needs are, how to not be codependent, how to be happy with myself. This stuff is just so hard. And I think yesterday I just lost my ability to cope for a while. I just didn't have the emotional energy to push the feelings down anymore, and everything started coming up.

Ugh.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ontheslope - I don't think it's healthy to keep things inside of you. You have these feelings, and they've probably built up for awhile. I don't think venting is necessarily healthy at four years out, but talking about how you feel certainly is healthy, versus keeping it all in.

ETA: Just wanted to edit my comment and make sure you know that I personally think that you handled things in a healthy manner, and what you are going through is normal, even at four years out. That was the intent of my comment. Hang in there.

I wish I could "unstick" you and give you a magic out button, but all I can say is, "Keep moving forward."

LifeisCrazy - I wish you had a button for that, too. I would pay good money for that, and you would be a rich man, guaranteed! Keep moving forward is good advice, but also upwards and outwards, because it really is an abyss, like you said. I try to picture my healing progress as a graph. It has dips in it, but as long as the trend line is moving upwards and to the right, I am thinking I'm on the right track.


[This message edited by LosferWords at 2:50 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTS - what I find interesting is your DDay was four years ago, but you are relatively new to SI. Why did you seek out SI? Is there anything here that has awakened new feelings in you? Just curious as to the timing. It's obvious that you were already struggling or you wouldn't of looked for this site, much less joined and entered the dark depths of the Menz thread.

It's 5:00 here gents! Cracked a cold one, got a fire going in the furnace, and all is quiet on the western front. Until I go outside that is. Here's to a moment of peace for each of us this weekend. I'll settle for a moment.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good afternoon gents. The "Black Dog" that one of our brothers referred to last week caught up to me recently. He had me in his jaws for several miserable days, but I think I escaped this afternoon. Looking forward to the weekend and a few Heinies. Hell, maybe even the WW's hiney now that it appears to be exclusively mine again

ontheslope, I hate to see you hurting this much, especially 4 years out. I know they say that healing is a 2-5 year process, but I sense some regression. Like Tred I'm wondering if something happened recently to set your healing back. Regardless, I hope things improve for you over the weekend.

Best to all BM brothers, have a great weekend. Someone post some brew pics when you get a chance.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTS - what I find interesting is your DDay was four years ago, but you are relatively new to SI. Why did you seek out SI? Is there anything here that has awakened new feelings in you? Just curious as to the timing.

Well... mine is an interesting story, I guess.

Dday was 4 years ago. I was so scared the night I found out that I forgave her, told her I loved her, and said that everything was alright. That I understood.

So... on the very night of DDay I took all my feelings locked them in a box and stuck them in the corner of my brain.

The next 4 years are a blur of trying to fake it till I could make it. I said all the right things, did all the right things, but I was dead inside. Empty. Faking it.

About five months ago was my 12 year anniversary, and my wife asked me to write her a letter. Things were not good in our M at that time and hadn't been for a while. I still said all the right things, but there were times I couldn't even look at her or touch her. So the letter I wrote to her wasn't the mushy one she wanted, but was my first stab at telling her how I felt.

That was kind of the turning point, but before that was a series of panic attacks and anxiety symptoms that dated back 2 years. I'd been in IC for that whole period trying to figure out where the anxiety symptoms were coming from. About the same time I wrote that letter to my wife I started to open that little box in the corner of my brain where I'd buried all of the feelings about the A, and everything came pouring out. The anger, the resentment, the mind movies, the triggers. It was like dday just waited and decided to pounce. It was awful.

I started doing a lot of reading, trying to really understand how I could have buried things for so long, and how I can get past them. I stumbled across this site just looking for things to read.

There is a lot more to the story, but that is the gist of it.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just poured myself a slightly unconventional version of a black and tan. The picture doesn't really do it justice. Pint sized frothy goodness.

Thanks again for helping me through a rough patch this last week, gents. You are all good souls, and men of integrity. Each and every one of you, lurkers included.

Had some good heart felt conversation with my wife this week. Things are going good. I really do love her, and I am looking forward to the weekend with her and my son.

Take care, fellers.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
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