Mine did as well. I think it was as much about punishing herself as it was about buying me off. I've been lucky, though (well, as lucky as you could be in our shared situations), in that my WW has by-and-large owned up to what she did.
The ONLY reason I have given my wife one, no wait...two, more chances, is because by and large I do think she is remorseful about what she has done. She has owned up to the affair being 100% on her, and she has never blamed me for it.
My STBX got her approval letter for the refi. I'm 99% done. It's my last hurdle. No debt. No repairs. No lawn. No worries. Going out to celebrate.
It's always nice to know where you are when you wake up in the morning.
As for the kitchen pass to fuck some strange, my wife never offered me that option. Probably because she figured I'd take her up on it. She would of been wrong, just like everything else about her A, but funny thing is she is very jealous of me talking to other women. Yet she is the one who goes out and fucks strange men. Go figure. Moral of this story is neither of us knew each other as well as we thought we did.
Hope you are doing better Losfer.
The "free pass" concept is a poor attempt at trying to even things out. There really is no justice in any of this. If given the option, I wouldn't even think twice about turning it down. I am still trying to heal from my own fuckuperry (sp?) almost 18 years later. Don't want to go down that rabbit hole again.
Congrats, sunsets! Cheers, and wishing you peace, man.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 8:00 PM, October 21st (Monday)]
The problem was, I didn't know about SI. I didn't have any help dealing with this. I did hear that the timetable was 2 - 5 years. I waited it out. Now it's 5 years and i feel like i described in my first post - what do I do? Things in my house are calm. My kids are happy, everything's good but me. I won't do the polygraph because I'm not leaving my kids. For me, cheating is a deal breaker - but not between me and my children.
[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:14 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
Undoubtedly if she had just come clean and been remorseful right away things would be different. Her lying and making me find everything out took its toll on me. That behavior changed my feelings towards her and hurt our relationship nearly as much as the cheating.
Defeated dad -
Thanks for hearing me out on this stuff.
[This message edited by Maximus Decimus at 4:36 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
Undoubtedly if she had just come clean and been remorseful right away things would be different. Her lying and making me find everything out took its toll on me.
That behavior changed my feelings towards her and hurt our relationship nearly as much as the cheating.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. My XWW cheated on me before we were married and lied to me about the rest of her sexual past, too. During her A, the previous cheating came out along with the details of her past then eventually her current (at the time) A. I tried to R for almost 2 years and fought much of the same things you are talking about. Unfortunately, I never did work through it because I never got the chance (WW filed for D when I stopped accepting her wayward behavior).
Not telling you to D, but now that Iím D my perspective is a little different. Iím no longer pissed that I didnít Ďlive it upí because I have the possibility of actually finding that Ďspecialí I thought we had (well, something close to it because whoever I find wonít be Ďmy onlyí) and that is still what I want. Iím pissed, now, because my chances of finding that in my 30ís are much lower than when I was 19 (if not impossible, now), but that is a whole different topic, soÖ
I guess what Iím trying to say is that when you were younger, you made the choices you did for a reason, and you canít let her decisions change who you are/want to be (much easier said than done) and just because she didnít hold it special doesnít mean it canít be for you (again, I know much easier said than done).
Sounds like you are planning to tough it out until the kids turn 18 and then you follow the last one out the door?
Iím pissed, now, because my chances of finding that in my 30ís are much lower than when I was 19 (if not impossible, now), but that is a whole different topic, soÖ
not impossible, man. And in actuality probably a lot more possible then you think.
Sucks... I kind of feel the same way, but with more hope that if I did leave that I would be able to find someone else. I've seen many people do it.
And, to be brutally honest, you didn't know what the fuck you wanted when you were 19 anyway. None of us did. You know what I wanted when I was 19? A cute piece of ass. But who you are now is not who you were then, and your needs are different. We all change.
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
I know it's not 20 something sex, but there are plenty of well taken cared of 40 year old women out there.
I have a buddy in Houston who was divorced a few years ago. He has a new girlfriend in her 40's. The SOB never stops talking about the sex. He tells everyone who will listen - he has never had better or more sex in his life. The guy has a perma-grin wherever he goes.
Like has been stated, Maximus, don't try to relive past choices based on current knowledge. Of course it sucks what your wife did, hell what all of our wives did, but you simply can't change it. This is your life now. Accept what she did and make your choices now based upon what YOU want! If it's stay for the kids, then by God, be the best damn father you can be every day and know in your heart you are doing it for you and them. This is where I am. I try to make every day with my liitle guys count. I can hold my head up high and feel good about myself. In 2-5 years, maybe I will choose to leave my wife. Right now she seems to be owning her shit and working to repair herself. Is she still lying to me; maybe a little. But I accept that now. I am here because I want to be. Fuck all the could haves and would haves.
I trade stocks for a living; I have could haves and would haves daily. Shoulda bought TSLA and NFLX!!!
[This message edited by slater13 at 9:58 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
I often wonder how/if I'd feel differently had my wife come forward on her own instead of me having to dig.
Sometimes I feel like I am in the minority because my WW told me about her A instead of me finding out about it. There were red flags but I had trust in her so I didn't follow through. The day she told me what she had been doing was still devastating. Yet at the same time put me at ease since I did have some suspicions. However, even though my WW told me, she still shifted the blame to me, she still lied about things, she still gaslighted me when I asked for details, she still isn't remorseful. I got the impression that she wanted to see if I would rug sweep her A and to see if I would fight for her and our relationship in a "awww, he does love me" kind of way. When I didn't take the bait and put the blame squarely on her with the expectation it was on her to fix this, she went into you never loved me meltdown mode. I have lots of respect for waywards who own their shit and come clean without blaming. But I found that just because a wayward may come forward, doesn't necessarily mean their intentions are out of guilt or honesty. It could be another attempt at testing the betrayed to feed their never ending need for validation...at least that was my case.
Basically IMHO, regardless of a confession or being found out, there can be blame shifting and unremorseful actions either way. If anything I feel like a schmuck since I didn't know and she uses the "I told you about it" line all the time to redeem herself on some level. I did take that into consideration at first. But over time I have seen that it's just a smoke screen to not address the underlying why. I guess in her mind (speculation) if she told me then she is an honest person, never mind all the years of lying.
I do think that at my age it is a lot easier to be more honest about what I am looking for and what I want out of life. And not settle for anything less than that. I never liked dating when I was younger. Too many insecurities from both sides. Not saying that isn't the case now either, but I'm much better equiped to single out the keepers.
I am also more comfortable with myself and not willing to put on a show for someone. I have been just as guilty of putting my best foot forward as anyone. Now if you like me you like me, if you don't you don't. I don't have time to worry about impressing someone. I am who I am.
I'm waiting until my D is finalized and I have some stuff to get straight with myself before jumping back into the dating pool but it's pretty funny how once you change your mind set you notice the looks and comments if you are paying attention.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:20 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
But over time I have seen that it's just a smoke screen to not address the underlying why. I guess in her mind (speculation) if she told me then she is an honest person, never mind all the years of lying.
Ultimately STBX either just couldn't or didn't know how to address her issues. It was easier for her to throw up her hands and scream "DO OVER" and act like nothing happened. There are NO fucking mulligans in marriage at least not in my book.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:34 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
I'm curious. It seems like most of us got M pretty young. I'm wondering how many of us would seek out and try to woo our current Ws if we were single and had never met them before. Do you think you would 'click' with them? Would you lock eyes across a room and feel a few butterflies? Is it only their actions (the A + other baggage) that cause problems now?
I struggle with this a lot. If I was single and my W was single and we met each other today, would I find her attractive? Would we 'click'? Would we 'connect'?
I honestly don't know.