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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She swears she will not cheat on me again, and will simply end the marriage if it gets to that.

I got that line also.

I take words at little value these days. She is constantly telling me how much she loves me, but now, those words just kind of bounce off. Show me instead. We read " The Five Love Languages" and got a lot out of the book, and she knows what it takes for me to feel loved. I just don't get what I need to feel it, most of the time. I mean, like most of us, I am physical touch and words of affirmation - we had HB for about a year and a half... every other day we had sex. It's settled into two or so a week now, but it has much more emotion behind it now.

I look around and wonder if the grass is greener? Would I be able to find someone who I wouldn't have to prompt to show me they love me (and not just say the words)?

FWW told me that I'm in the place she was, and she's where I was. She now is almost codependent about me, and I've got one foot out the door.

Just got to our layover hotel in NYC... Time for a nightcap and sleep. 'Nite all!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flup, man. made me think of the Slow Song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrIiLvg58SY


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flup, man. made me think of the Slow Song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrIiLvg58SY

Thanks, man. I needed that.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning gentlemen,

I haven't posted in a while, but am stopping in for an update.

Since our last big argument almost four weeks ago I have made a big turnaround in terms of how I am feeling about my WW. The final straw for me was her telling me that I didn't care whether she lived or died and that I never cared for her while she was going through her cancer treatments. 9 years men. 9 years I was by her side through diagnoses, doctor visits, surgeries, late night sobs...even two doctor appointments after dday. So that comment just showed me how low she has gotten to justify her own behavior.

So since then. I have filed for divorce (still waiting for the summons to one from the court) and have not had one blow up at her. NC except for kids and finances.

I'm with my boys at their music lessons now. I will take them home for my WW's weekend with them. And then a full weekend ahead. I will visit with my fourth child at her college (a former student who adopted me as her dad after removing her abusive father from her life). Then go to my older son's marching band competition. Tomorrow will be climbing in the beautiful fall weather. And then at 8 I will be off for my first date in 18 years. Wish me luck.

Overall I am surprised at where I am compared to even a month ago. It may still hit me at some point, but for now things are ok.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 391 | Registered: Aug 2013
UnAware43
♂ New Member
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my STBXW that I would want her to leave me if the urge to cheat ever came back. I would just let her go without trying to hold on. We even renewed our vows a few months after dday to make a fresh start. 7yrs later she started what would be a year long affair with a man 10yrs younger than her. Why didn't she just tell me she wanted out and the marriage was over for her? Well that would be facing conflict and she is all about avoiding it. One year later I am at the end of a 20yr marriage I thought would last forever. I now know that I rug swept the affair in 2005 but she still knew in her heart it was wrong but still made the choice to betray me. I don't trust that statement that she will just leave.


Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am off to coach soccer but I have a brief thought (most are with me)

I love the I swear I won't cheat again line....and that now they "get it".

Pretty sure your vow on my wedding day was "I swear I won't cheat" what's so different now?

Kcco


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys... I've been severely depressed for the last couple of weeks, and it has been escalating. Not quite sure what to do. I might have to go back in to therapy. Might have to go on meds. Not sure what is causing this. I know I'm coming up on trigger season, and Halloween is the start of it. This is the first time facing it in two years without medication.

I love my wife, and she can build me up at times. But she can cut me severely when she chooses to. This song describes fairly precisely where the state of my mind is right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JC7Wsp_3qI

"Deep down, I know, you know where to cut me with your eyes closed."

Right now I just want to curl into a ball and die.

Coming to the menz thread for strength and support...


Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losfer, you've already made a big step in realizing what you need... A lot of us are in the same boat. It fades in and out.

I don't like to think solutions always come in a pill bottle though. Find something that you like to do for yourself and give it a try... Go for a run. I remember sitting in the house staring out the windows, I swear I could watch the leaves turn color because I was so frozen in place and depressed.

Even get out of the house a go for a simple walk with the dog, or whatever -something to distract you.

[This message edited by flup at 12:33 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LFW, I am still new to this -- but I imagine this cycling is all part of it. I think anytime anyone feels depressed it's important to change things up so that the rut does not get deeper.

Plan a weekend activity, get back to training like you have wanted to do. Sorry I can't offer more but that's about all that works for me.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys... took my kid to the school carnival today. The weather was fantastic. Did wonders for my mood. I really appreciate the support and kind words.

Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LFW, did something happen to set things off? I get stuck in that downward spiral where everything accumulates.

Bleed Out. Great tune.

I'll leave another one here myself. Seems to be a weekend for music. I was going to link Can I Play With Madness considering your (most awesome) username but I think we're all playing with that already.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVlBdc21LaU


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta love Manowar! Nice tune, StillGoing. I liked the integration with Braveheart, too.

I'm coming up on trigger season. My mood has been spiraling slowly for the last couple of weeks, and last night it just kind of sank really low. I'm hoping the recovery is quicker this time than it has been in the past. I think it's a cyclical thing, tied in with some rough dates coming up.


Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear that. This year was the first time in years I was looking forward to the holiday seasons.

Glad you had a better day today.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's getting there, thanks. My son won these HUGE sunglasses at his carnival. Seeing him in those shades literally forced laughter out of me. There was simply no way I could not laugh.

I hear you about the holidays. I'm going to try really hard this year not to be a downer about it. Ugh. So freakin' hard. Maybe I'll put my Christmas lights up in time for Halloween. That'll just piss off the neighbors and give me a really big charge for the holidays at the same time.


Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losfer,

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch mate. The "Black Dog" can be a creeper and an awful place to get stuck in and hopefully only transitory. Sounds like your day improved though which is awesome.

I've been there myself before and stumbled upon www.365grateful.com. Pretty simple concept but it struck a chord with me at least and has helped me get through some dark times.

Whatever happens, don't ignore that shit. Reaching out is always a good thing... Take care and do whatever you need for YOU.


Been AWOL from the boards for a long while fellas, but if you've had the sense of being watched, it's true...I've been stalking you menz from afar.

Some great discussions here, many laughs and plenty of opportunities to reflect. Plan to post more regularly and perhaps pay forward the invaluable support I received back in the day. Enjoy the weekend!!!


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Lotsa.

Black Dog? Now I have Led Zeppelin stuck in my head. This is a good thing!

I really enjoyed the 365grateful link. I have bookmarked it, and will contemplate practicing it. Thanks for the link!

Picked up a rare (in these here parts) bottle of Pliny the Elder ale today. Never had it, but I have heard of the legend. It's going to be harder than hell to not drink it right away, but I am going to save it for when I get together with my brother next Saturday.

Enjoying an Arrogant Bastard right now. I love them Arrogant Bastards.


Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love them Arrogant Bastards.

Don't we all? That's like saying "I like air" or "I enjoy having a heart beat."

pffft...

Enjoy, LW.

Ahem. Go Sox.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kg,

Go get her! Try not to talk too much about STBXWW.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kg, I'm happy for you, and still want to throw a caution flag. There's a good thread in NB loaded with wisdom, particularly the 16th post, that you might 'take what you need' from:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=511095&AP=1

When my heart was racing along, doing its tingle thing (& I'm well out from it all - well, most of it I think)
the gang's advice to me was take it slow - which was good.

Have a good time - really. Have fun. Please just 'ware your heart.
Just a word of caution from the bleachers is all, ok?

Losfer, sorry it's a struggle-time for you.
In a way, I've come to believe the radical-ness of my situation, though it was hell on wheels at the time, with its all-around fuckery, in the end, helped me. Though I had to go through it to learn what I had to, I'm grateful.
This far away, when I hear a lyric that says:
I keep trying to heal your pain
In return, you cut me over and over

it reminds me of the bad dam dance. The abuse I put up with, not to mention being in the role of trying to heal someone's pain, right?
That role always breaks - and we end up here. Wonderful here.

And when I read this lyric:
But you can't stop taking from me

it reminds me of the oft-quoted;
"It stops when you say it stops."

I know it's an old song. I like the phrasing, eg;
'how loooooooong...must I delay'
&
'I stop' (pause)

Kinda bluesy. Jazzy. Limbo-y.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I78HxruQZ1M

Seen a bunch of new guys on here. Welcome to the Clubhouse! Keep posting. Noobs have to get the beer too.

Had (3) 512's Pecan Porter yesterday with my chess gang.
YUM!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of a 'third rail' of issues here:

I've been noticing lately that seeing my wife completely naked is kind of an awful trigger for me....in that I think of OM lying in bed watching her walk around naked as well...but also because I notice every flaw, imperfection, etc., that I had never ever noticed before. My wife is carrying some extra weight....not a ton, but definitely some. I was wondering if she got in really great shape if that would decrease the triggering? I know that sounds kind of awful. I'm not saying I love her more or less based upon her figure, I'm just curious from a pure triggering standpoint.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
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