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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your responses guys. I am shocked at the sheer number of betrayed husbands on this board. I had no idea cheating was so prevalent with women.

I now know probably 95% of the details of my fWW's sexual activities with the OM and now I have to deal with the mind movies and images. She is desparate to save the marriage and I do feel she is more than willing and wants to be as sexually open with me as she can. But I'm still pissed at some of the things she told me and Im going camping for the weekend to get away from her.

My wants were not huge, but to her they were. I wanted more reciprocal oral sex, I wanted her to swallow, I told her letting me give her the occasional facial would be fun and I wanted to try anal at leats once.

She had beforehand refused to do these thinsgs for me but she did do them with the OM, repeatedly, and enjoyed most of them (the anal not as much). So now that it is in the open she wants to do those things with me and more.

We'll see how it goes. Right now she is disgusting and revolting to me. I have absolutely no desire to put any part of my anatomy inside her.

Back last year when I found out, and after she moved back after I kicked her out for two months, we banged like rabbits. Sex every day. Rabid, hungry sex mostly at her instigation. This went on for about three months then it tapered off.

Up until last week we were having sex about three times a week which was enough for me. Now, after learning all this, I have no drive at all.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:08 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I choose to believe what fWW has told me to this point, because i got the dribbling- snot, convulsing, anxiety attack confession about a year into R. Up till a year, she was still TTing, and avoiding saying anything to " hurt my feelings".

And, at the time, I was still codependent and was afraid to ask for details. After I got back on my feet, and realize that I'm going to be fine if we D, that I got the courage to ask details. It annoyed her because " I should have been over it by now". I had to tell her that I will never be "over it" and if she wanted to stay married to me, she had better learn to own her shit, come clean, and help me process that unknown period of my life that she took from me. If she didn't want to do that - I told her that 'there's the door' and she can go anytime she thinks its too "hard" to deal with.

She's still here, and there were times she's given me details, that still freak me out - But, it wasn't the details themselves I was really after - it was the knowledge that she was WILLING to give me those details that made me realize that she was in this to help me, not to TT and protect herself anymore.

Just knowing that, has kept me around - so far....


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, at the time, I was still codependent and was afraid to ask for details. After I got back on my feet, and realize that I'm going to be fine if we D, that I got the courage to ask details. It annoyed her because " I should have been over it by now". I had to tell her that I will never be "over it" and if she wanted to stay married to me, she had better learn to own her shit, come clean, and help me process that unknown period of my life that she took from me. If she didn't want to do that - I told her that 'there's the door' and she can go anytime she thinks its too "hard" to deal with.

My wife knows better than to ever say anything like this to me. I made that clear to her right after I took her back in our home. I basically told her that my healing is going to be done on my timeline and not hers. If that meanse she waits 10 years for me to get over it then so be it. If she has a problem she knows where the door is.

I think what has kept us together is her knowledge and firm understanding that I am more than willing to chuck the marriage out the window if I feel she is playing me. It came damn near to that happening last week when I found out these additional details. Now she has 2x the work she had before to make me believe she wants this M to work out. I'm done playing games with her and she believes me.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back last year when I found out, and after she moved back after I kicked her out for two months, we banged like rabbits. Sex every day. Rabid, hungry sex mostly at her instigation. This went on for about three months then it tapered off.

Up until last week we were having sex about three times a week which was enough for me. Now, after learning all this, I have no drive at all.

Same here... and from what I understand, this is very normal. There is a need after an A to 'reclaim' your W sexually. But.. that is a temporary thing, and once those initial needs wear off, you're back to despising your W again over what she did.

Welcome to the roller-coaster, buddy. If you ever figure out how to get off this damn thing, let me know.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if you really get off it. But at some point, I know you at least get to here:

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 1:51 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She swears she will not cheat on me again, and will simply end the marriage if it gets to that.

Words of a woman who is blaming her husband for her choice to have a affair.

Honestly I think the sane way around this mess is to not give a shit anymore. Easy to say. Hard to do though.

If WW has another LTA or even gives me reason to strongly suspect were done. I am completely ok with that and WW knows it.

Like others here me and WW have had the *theres the door* conversation. Pack well. I will send the rest of your stuff to OMs address (Im sure his wife will be happy about that!) *theres the door. have a nice life.*

IMO nothing ends the pig shit faster than dont let the door smack your arse on the way out. Funny how turning away makes them chase you.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Welcome to the roller-coaster, buddy. If you ever figure out how to get off this damn thing, let me know."


Friend, I am on the Cyclone of rollercoasters. LOL!

Im heading to the mountains for a weekend of camping with my buds.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 2:00 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my wife and I had our first MC session last night. It felt good to talk about what's been going on, and good when the MC said that we seemed to be headed in a healthy direction.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD,

I understand the initial shock of learning your W did things with om she wouldn't do with you. That's awful to hear and experience. For me it was just part of the package, though. It doesn't matter how she betrayed me, just that she betrayed me.

I think you'd do yourself a service if you asked yourself (and answered) these types of question:

Why/how are these acts different from other acts of betrayal?

What would you want to do if she hadn't done these specific things?

If these acts are the 'straws' that break the back of R for you, so be it. Just make sure you're not making decisions based on short-lived emotions. I hope the weekend is enough time, but it may not be.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:15 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8928 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow SDWB. You're living up to your name with that picture. That describes it nicely


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35377 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD Sometimes it is hard for non-menz to understand that generally men interpret the relationship through physical intimacy. Not in a hormone driven zombie kind of way, but as a path to emotional intimacy.

The double whammy this handed you strikes a big nerve with that dynamic.

As was pointed out to you in the other thread, it seems like a big piece now, but will fade in time.

I understand the feelings of being disgusted by your W, but claiming these things back can oddly help the anger this is invoking. Anger is secondary emotion, it is covering up something, always.

I don't know you well enough to know for sure, but my guess is that your are feeling scared that it means your W doesn't love you enough to move outside her comfort zone. It makes you feel less "loved" by her. You worry that she felt you weren't worth the discomfort (not pun intended).

So one way you can address this is head on. The disgust will pass and it may scare the crap out of you, but by facing it you negate the power it is holding over you right now. You face it and realize their isn't anything to be scared of.

Not doing it just like she did with another, but make it yours. Ask her to put forth some effort, read some books, watch some (instructional, not dirty) videos, etc. Ask her to really find out what would please you and then do it.

Seeing her put 10x the effort into the physical relationship over time can help heal this wound.
Anyway saw your posts and wanted to reach out to you.

Have fun camping, stay warm and be safe.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Fellow Menz - Just wanted to give you guys a quick update to my situation. I was able to move back into the house last week after STBXWW decided to abandon ship. They always say the last ones to go are the rats...Anyway the judge okayed the order for me to take possesion of the house and my son will be living with me. She tried to make him move out with her but he declined. I was very proud of him. Don't know where she moved nor do I care as long as she is out of my life. I can't believe the woman I was married too for 25 years can now be perhaps the meanest, vilest person I have ever come in contact with. Sad really...


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen (and WonderBoy),

Is it really Friday night and no one has mentioned anything about a little brew-tasting. Is it possible? None of us is having a cold one tonight?

Well.. I have some Shipyard PumpkinHead (seasonal brew) that I'll be enjoying in a little while, and I will be sure to raise a glass to all you fine gentlemen.

DD - hope you have fun on your trip this weekend. Might help to clear your head.

flup, sisoon, Razon, N&D, Sal, Tred, SDWB, etc.... have a good night gentlemen. May your head's be free of mind movies and your hearts free of pain.

To all: raise a glass, and may we all live as long as we want, and never want as long as we live.

Cheers!

[This message edited by ontheslope at 6:44 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

calmly stabbing him in the throat with a drusus and not even watching as he drops to his knees clutching at the gurgling wound is also masculine

Elegant indeed!


PG, dude you have been on one hell of a ride, glad you got your house back, awesome news about your son.

How's that thing go, "Don't go away mad, just go away" Wouldn't that be perfect!

This is what I got going on for the night, never tried it, came highly recommended, should be good...

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 7:00 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen! And me.

Cheers. I can't have a beer for a couple more hours. Hosting my kids birthday party. 10 9 year old boys and flag football. I am already exhausted.

Winterhook in T-minus 2 hours!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen! And me.

Well played WB, well played
Just got done burning some down branches in the fire pit and enjoying the bright moon. As usual, boring old Bud Lights for me. I just got used to drinking beer out of a can out bush, so those fancy beers you need a special glass for just don't fit my environment. But I do love a good beer - German Pils and Lagers, Australian bitters, Red Stripe in Jamaica...I need light beers though to keep my boyish figure.

Hope all have a good weekend - I'll be working and building a greenhouse. Perfect camping weather though.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cooking with my wife right now, and having a couple of dry martinis while I am at it. Good stuff.

Cheers, guys, to all of you.


Posts: 4567 | Registered: Dec 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefiledRage - Lagunitas, IMO, is awesome. What did you think?

Posts: 4567 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been splitting my free time between GTA V Online and Six Flags with the Lil monster. Doing OTHER shit really does help.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno what's going on that I am agreeing with Razor so much lately but:

She swears she will not cheat on me again, and will simply end the marriage if it gets to that.

Yeah no. I got that speech too.

What I believe now is "I don't want to be that person." Because if she fails and is that person? She takes ownership of it at least. Not "I'll do it right omg i swearz it" - yeah we all saw what happened to Gollum.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7118 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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