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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: may need a new MC
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bh and I went to mc this week and after the session discussed our C. We both wonder if she is actually helping us and many of the things she has said has left us wondering if its a normal response...

One thing is she asked how my meeting w my old boss went. She was the one who suggested I email my old boss in the first place and she was appalled nothing happened to xap.

She has also asked me more than once if I know what's happening with xap and she seems focused on saying he reeled me in and sought me out. ..it seems to me she should not be encouraging me to find out about xap. And I also feel she is trying to shift the blame on him.

I also told her my theory about seeking external validation....she not only blatantly told me she didn't think it was that, but also told me to stop coming to this website.

These are only a few of the issues...just want to see what everyone thinks!!!

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 12:33 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 804 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something sounds off with her, from what you have described. It almost like she is trying to find blame for the affair, versus the root cause.

And has she personally been to this web site? I'm not sure why she would want to cut off an additional source of support, healing, and advice.

I think it might be time to look for a different counselor. That is my opinion, anyway. What does your gut say? What is your husband's opinion?

Good job for not just blindly going with what she says.


Posts: 6663 | Registered: Dec 2010
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oopsie did not see stop sign!

[This message edited by heartache101 at 2:19 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to take off the stop sign!! I didn't mean to keep it there. Sorry heartache!!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 804 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband agrees that some of what she says is odd and he doesn't feel like we are actually learning anything from going to her.

I think it's very strange that she is so preoccupied with my xap and is trying to play it off like I was the innocent victim who fell into his trap. I know that's not the case, and when I told her about the external validation thing I was surprised that she disregarded it so quickly.

Back to the xap....at our last session my BH had asked her if it was ok for me to question my co-workers about xap (right after every thing blew up I had asked a coworker about him....I have since stopped doing that though cuz after talking to my BH about it I realized it wasn't ok cuz I was still thinking about him and wasn't truly NC). She told him it was only natural for me to ask about him because we wanted to know what had happened with him. Both my BH and I thought this was very strange, cuz like my BH said if I were truly NC with xAP I shouldn't be checking up on him....I have stopped doing this btw.

As for this site, she has never gone on it or heard about it but said I shouldn't be taking advice from people that I don't know....even though BH and I both said this site has been extremely helpful to us.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 804 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've removed the stop sign.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197196 | Registered: May 2002
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa - I vote for finding a new MC.

When I told my IC about this site, she was very encouraging of me using any resources that I found helpful to me. Sound advice, is sound advice regardless or whether you know the people or not. And what better advice than from those who've already walked the path before you?

Also her continued emphasis on your xAP is troubling.

jmho


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should NOT have a flip of a care about the XAP and her having you go talk to previous boss is soooo wrong.
I am so sorry you found a dud for a counselor. Please find a new one.
You need to work on you and realize he has no reason to take up space in your head. Ok?
Look forward not backward
Find a new counselor you need to own what happened and work through it.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you heartache!! I have been trying very hard to look forward and am done with the past.

Looks like I will be shopping for a new C


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 804 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

said I shouldn't be taking advice from people that I don't know

This just cracks me up. You don't really know her, and she is wanting you to take her advice.

I think a new counselor would be a really good idea.

Good luck!


Posts: 6663 | Registered: Dec 2010
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried therapy and was basically supported in my decision to pursue OM. The therapist wanted to be on my side. This was in IC.

For 4 sessions of MC, there was no mention of the A. I think he was building up to it. He wanted us to reconnect. I actually blew up because I felt we were dodging the real issues.

I realized that there were far more intelligent and resourceful people here with real, insightful things to say. More than I ever got in counseling with I found superficial at best.

I think there are probably some good ones out there. But how do you know? There are bad hairdressers, bad waiters, bad doctors. Counselors are not immune.

transference. Refers to when a professional uses issues in their own life and transfers those feelings to the patient. I wonder if that is going on here.

Your counselor sounds very inexperienced.

I would suggest you leave her and tell her or write a letter explaining why. Maybe that will help her with future clients. Feel free to attach my comments. Lol


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The scary thing mrs panda is that she has been counseling people for years!! And one of her specialties is infidelity! !

I was thinking about that....I wasnt sure how one goes about ending things with their C....

I have actually learned a great deal more from the people on this site than I have from her!!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 804 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 12

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