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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need advice please
betrayedbyluv
♀ New Member
Member # 40165
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need your advice. A while back I took all of WH's "toys" and porn and stashed them away in the back of my DD's closet (which is damn near IMPOSSIBLE to get to, due to it being a tiny space and cluttered) for a later disposal. Anyway I kept forgetting to get them out and dispose of them on Thursday mornings when the trash comes so they've been sitting there for a while (or so I thought).

On Tuesday my mouse died and I needed to get a battery (which are stashed in WH's cupboard in the headboard) so I went up there and saw a book about sexual hypnosis which of course made me wonder. It was literally right there in plain sight and I know when I took everything that I searched that cupboard inside and out, took everything out and went through it. So I email WH asking about it and of course he says he has had it for about 4 years and it's been in there the whole time. I KNOW it wasn't because like I said I searched it and took everything out. I then looked on his amazon account and saw he had purchased it in June of 2012 (so it wasn't new as I had originally thought). He continued to adamently say it's been there all along, which I know is a lie.

So then he went out of town on Wednesday and was gone until last night, I decided since I had time on Wednesday night without him that I would go pull all his "toys" and porn etc and get rid of it. I went into DD'scloset to get it all and lo and behold it's all gone. I knew he had taken it because DD knew I hid it there and knew to not look in the bag. I searched high and low and found his porn in the attic behind insulation and then found most of the toys behind the false wall by the safe. He had to unscrew the wall and put it there. I am FUMING mad right now because I know he had to have spent a lot of time hunting for all this stuff and then he took it and attempted to hide it from me without telling me. Needless to say it all went out in the trash and the garbage men picked it up before he came home.

My question here is do I tell him I found it and trashed it all or do I sit on this information and wait to see what happens when he notices it's all gone (I couldn't find some of it because I know that some was missing still). Funny how he claims to have no sex addiction yet he spent god knows how long searching for his sex toys and porn to take it all back. Why?


Me - 42
WH - 38
Married 2/27/2005, together 13 years
DDay - 8/29/12, 1 PA at least 18 months, sexting with at least 3 women that I know about
1 child together, 2 children from my previous marriage

Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The devil in me says let him go searching and realize its gone......or be even sassier and leave him a note where the porn stash was!!!

That is a very devastating and hurtful discovery, and i am very sorry for your pain. Porn and such was a contributing factor in my WH's A....so i can fully understand where you are coming from.

My WH and i have a boundary agreement....one of the deal breakers is porn...i find it, find out he has been viewing it, jerking off to it, or using it in any way shape or form...he is OUT, done, gone, adios, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Harsh...maybe...but necessary at this stage in our recovery.

But what more devastating is the lies. Your WH clearly still has boundary issues, and is still lying to you. True R can not begin to take place when the lies continue. Your WH needs to take a good hard look at himself, his behaviors and seriously get himself into IC.

Hugs to you

[This message edited by SorrowBhindSmile at 11:11 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
betrayedbyluv
♀ New Member
Member # 40165
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's supposed to be in IC but he does NOT go regularly! His excuse is his work schedule. As of today it's been 6 weeks since his last IC and 3 months between the one before that. It's something we battle about often because that was one of my conditions of staying.

I am very torn on the confronting him about it and just waiting to see but I am so angry about it that I can barely be around him and I know he's going to question why on that. I am tempted to email his therapist because she is the one that said she didn't think he had any sex addiction but it was more related to his ADHD. I call bullshit - seriously who goes to those lengths to find their missing porn and sex toys if they don't have an addiction. I relate it to a heroin addict frantically searching for that last little bit of heroine to the point of licking old things to get to it. Make sense?


Me - 42
WH - 38
Married 2/27/2005, together 13 years
DDay - 8/29/12, 1 PA at least 18 months, sexting with at least 3 women that I know about
1 child together, 2 children from my previous marriage

Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 3

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