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Newest Member: brokenmess (44282)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to deal with - "I can't remember"
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Concerned  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
I am new to SI. My fWH and I are just over one year into R. I am trying hard, so is he.
I discovered his A 8 years after it ended.
As all BS's can appreciate, I need to be sure that he is being completely honest with me about his A (timeline, name, feelings, etc.). The problem is when I ask him certain questions he responds by saying, "I don't know or I don't remember."
Just wondering if this has been an issue for other BS's. I would welcome comments from WS's regarding this situation.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
MartlArts
♀ Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I've experienced myself and what I've read here, it's very common. Combination of factors - the WS may mentally block memories they are ashamed of and don't want to face. And/or they are afraid of your reaction if they provided details. If you didn't learn about the A for 8 years, there is a good chance your WS has done his best to forget. But also a good chance he remembers at least a bit more than he is sharing.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 980 | Registered: Jul 2012
Dancetilldawn
♀ New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still waiting for his timeline. A year ago I requested it. My WH can't remember anything. Never writes in a calendar. And loves to leave major details out of a story and then when I start asking questions later, I get, " I told you that".

I think this is typical unremorseful WS behavior.


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: USA
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having this problem myself.

WW's A ended Feb 1998. I found out Jul 2013. I don't expect her to remember time and dates, but I do expect her to remember certain acts, places, etc.

IC and MC both tell me it is possible she has repressed the memories. They also say it is VERY possible she just doesn't want to tell me because she is afraid of how I will react.

We are working on this in MC and I honestly think she is trying but it may take a major kick in the ass before I get the answers to my questions.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am dealing with the I don't remembers too. More for the affair 7 years ago than the one last year. I understand he has trouble remembering but I need him to try. Even if he ends up still blank at least I know he is making an effort. Finally this week he got that and pulled out some calendars and phone records and tried to start piecing things together.

I am realizing that he really does have a fucked up memory. He said to me "do you remember what you did for your birthday 10 years ago". Of course I do but for him that is ridiculous. How could anyone remember that far back. I need to understand his limitations but push for him not to it fall back on those limitations without at least making an effort.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH doesn't remember a lot of the details that I want. I discovered the multiple A's 9 years after they started and 5 years since the last one. To add to it, he was drunk every single time.

It is very difficult to accept. Writing a timeline might help him remember some details.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jul 2012
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Wink  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all who have replid to my post.

I still find it so completely frustrating. I have to be certain that I have the whole story before I can be certain that moving forward with reconciliation is the right choice.

He gave me a rough idea of the timeline - six "dates" over approximately a six month period (this OW lived thousands of miles away and WH only saw her when he was away at work).
Details that still baffle me: "He said he had absolutely no real feelings for OW . It was all about him "getting his ego stroked". He said it did not progress sexually until the last time they were together (thats when the clothes came off). Is this even possible? He said the PA stopped short of intercourse (oral sex the last time he saw her).
I have asked him for this OW's full name. He sais he only knew her first name.
He seems to only remember "snipits" of conversations etc. ( I guess that makes sense 8 years later). He said he remembers her asking him, "if this was his first time in an A." and another time she asked him, "What are you doing here?".
My biggest fear is that he is still lying to me although I have no real way of knowing.
I told him again last week that I think he shold take a polygraph. He refuses on the grounds that he feels I will want more of them in the future, and that I shoud justtrust him.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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