Hang in there. Keep the kids' best interests front and center, and vent out the unhealthy stuff in a safe way. ((((Running))))
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
It is hard, we have to suck it up and move on and remember....it's for the kids.
You definately aren't alone!
Yes, I've felt like you do also and have had a lot of struggle trying to learn what XPervert's rights are so that I can not be caught by surprise anymore and what mine are.
I want to say no when he wants her to do things with OW and I understand what you mean completely.
Or people who knew about his affair before me, how to know what kind of influence these people will have on DD? This is my worry. What will she learn from them? They are so different from me and so is he and so that's my worry that I hear in your post.
Influence of the people who hurt us in our kid's life is a big question mark.
He'll say to me, "she'll be with me." But I don't know him anymore and you don't know EXW anymore or what goes on in kids lives when they are "under the influence" of a parent/person who could cause such harm and do so wrong to other people.
Yes, I get it.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
I think it's very impressive, how honest you are with yourself about your feelings, and that will go a long ways towards not reacting, and doing the right thing by the kids, whatever that may may be.
The thoughts are fine as long as you don't allow yourself to be consumed by them.
You can get so busy on vengeful thoughts that you forget to live your own damn life.
I've found those thoughts disappeared once I starting living in my own life, revelling in my time with my girls and just basically contributing to life around me.
I feel happy now when the girls tell me of fun times they have with their dad. It doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire and in fact it has nothing to do with him at all. I'm just happy my girls are happy.
You'll get there too.
Keep investing in your own life and your own world with your kids and you will find X will become smaller and smaller in your rearview mirror.
I know it is hard to believe right now but it really is true.