Mom just called, her mother, my last remaining grandparent, passed away last night. It's been over a year since I'd seen her. I would've seen her just weeks ago...this summer...but DDay was in late April so we canceled our plans to spend the summer in our (northern) home state, as we customarily do.
Grandma was 91, and has been in steadily declining health, so we knew it was imminent, and she's Home now. She outlived two husbands, all of her children and grandchildren survived her, and she kissed a score of great-grandchildren.
The realization that my stupid, deranged choices kept me from getting to see her again, is crushing me like a ton of bricks right now. I'm sitting out at a coffee shop (killing time between kid-drop-off and IC) weeping. Which is actually pretty encouraging, as I've lived most of my life profoundly disconnected from my emotions and hardly ever cried. Even at times like this.
The hidden costs of infidelity.