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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Bad taste in my mouth....
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Sad  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday was a good day but today I just keep thinking of the stunt my husband pulled Wednesday. He has been calm and understanding all week long but when I got angry at him Wednesday he called an attorney to set up a consultation - against the advice of our pastor. He wasn't angry when he told me -- he said he did it to give himself a wake up call but in the next breath he said we aren't progressing and he felt like he had to protect himself. THen the next breath he said he had to protect me and our son. WHat?!

By the end of the conversation he was extremely kind and said he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to grow old with me and have more children with me and be able to hold hands with me in a theater and walk arm and arm down street.

I just don't know what this move was about and if he was trying to manipulate me or if he really felt we aren't progressing because of my anger.

By the end of our conversation we agreed to start over, as of yesterday.

I don't know what his motivation was with the lawyer move. I know what he said it was but I really don't know. I am just so tired. I'm so tired of it all.

But yesterday he was great. he took a day off work...took our son to practice...read his Bible, offered to cook dinner for me...gave our son his bath...everything he should have been doing for the past year but wasn't. I just don't know if this is a real change or not.

And I don't know how to get over this negative feeling from his continued negative reactions to me being upset. All it shows me is that I can not share my real feelings with him because it makes the situation even more tense and worse in the long run.

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 7:45 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but when I got angry at him

Some people do not respond well when someone is angry with them (especially their spouse). We tend to make our worst decisions/choices when we are angry. IMO anger is poison to R.

Dealing with the aftermath of a betrayal is very difficult and tends to bring out the worst in a BS. Be mindful of this when a painful situation arises. Remember you are trying to improve the relationship. Learning to control your anger will help hasten R and improve your relationship moving forward. For me, learning to turn my anger into compassion was a tremendous help during R.

Sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:40 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
spinning73
♀ New Member
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with you, sorry no great advice.
We are almost 6 months post dd, and WH will make the statement "I am just not sure YOU will ever be able to get over it" (blameshifting IMO that our relationship failure will be my fault do to not processing the A quick enough to his liking). Also wh wants to concentrate on fixing the marriage issues that we had preA. (which I agree we had, but I think he wants to concentrate too much on to take him off the hot seat of the A)

But then sends text message that "we will make it" and that he is not giving up on us. My paranoid side starts thinking that the R is all fake and he is somehow dragging separation/divorce out for his financial benefit?
I don't know which end is up.
To top it off we found our 3rd MC in august. I went twice by myself, then counselor wanted to see wh alone. He seems to have slow rolled scheduling and rescheduled appointments (actually saw him once,then wanted 2cd alone session which has been rescheduled to the end of OCTOBER). So in the meantime while waiting for these individual sessions to take place, we have been without joint counseling for 2.5 months.
We have both done a lot of reading. I just asked him last night to re-read "how to help your heal.." Hoping this coupled with getting back to MC will get us back on track.
Anyway, just letting you know I empathize. I guess its just the "roller coaster" so often referred to. Here's to more good days..
(sorry for the ramble, wh also out of town last night, I did not sleep well, running on fumes today


me-BS 40
WH-40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
DD-4/14/13
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm

I dont know if I can agree with you Harden

Be mindful of this when a painful situation arises.Remember you are trying to improve the relationship. Learning to control your anger will help hasten R and improve your relationship moving forward. For me, learning to turn my anger into compassion was a tremendous help during R.

As much as Iagree with this, I don't agree that right after dday a BS has to control their anger and turn it into compassion.

I think initially the WS has to learn to deal with the anger they have caused. It isn't the BS's responsibility to make nice or change how she feels to make the situation better.

IMO you have to walk through the anger, feel it, work through it and your WS needs to help. They need to sit in the anger along side of you.

I see a lot of manipulation with your husband. I thin he takes your kind forgiving heart and turns it to suit the situation.

If I were you I would get myself healthy and do whats best for YOU and your child. Watch his actions, dont take his words at face value. Right now he cant be trusted.

You need to be emotionally strong and healthy and so does your H, there is a lot of work to be done before R gets underway. I don't think your husband is up to it yet. He needs to really look inside and do some healing.

Anger isn't bad topper, initially it can be a train wreck, but after a while, when you work through it the pain is less and less. Don't ignore your feelings, you matter, I hope you know that.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't agree that right after dday a BS has to control their anger and turn it into compassion.

I didn't mean to imply they have to, I simply meant that less anger not only helps with R, but it also helps the BS with the emotional suffering they are going through. Anger is generated from within. Getting in touch with that anger by understanding the underlying causes and fears that are driving it helps immensely in mitigating the suffering. This is true 1 day or 20 years after D-day.

For my wife and I reconciliation went smoothly and fairly quickly, but if there was one thing I could change, it would have been to have better grip on my anger in the months following d-day. I understand it takes time and patience to R, but I still try to push towards maintaining a calm environment during R, even shortly after d-day. The key is to not repress the anger, but to communicate the negative feelings and fears in a constructive way to your spouse. This starts the process of establishing true emotional intimacy in the relationship.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:38 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The key is to not repress the anger, but to communicate the negative feelings and fears in a constructive way to your spouse. This starts the process of establishing true emotional intimacy in the relationship.

Ahh..yes, I agree. I apologize. I thought you meant more to squelch the anger.

Ultimately angry or not the lines of open, honest communication need to be there, support and empathy are a must.

Thanks for clarifying your point for me.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh..yes, I agree. I apologize.

No need to apologize. Your response was helpful to me in realizing that sometimes I need to communicate my responses more clearly and effectively.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealing with the aftermath of a betrayal is very difficult and tends to bring out the worst in a BS. Be mindful of this when a painful situation arises. Remember you are trying to improve the relationship. Learning to control your anger will help hasten R and improve your relationship moving forward. For me, learning to turn my anger into compassion was a tremendous help during R.

I understand what you are saying here perfectly.

I went to my IC session shortly after I wrote this and my counselor said this (summarizing, of course):

"You are both hurting. In different ways, but you are hurting. At this point it doesn't matter who is hurting more or who started it or who hurt who first. What matters is that you are both hurting. If you lay all your cards out on the table you could just say...we are hurting at the same time. Because of that hurt you are both saying and doing things based on emotional responses."

She said we both have our walls up and are both defensive and protective of ourselves. We both want to say "I won't do this until she/he does this" and it is blocking us from healing, essentially.We need to recognize that we are both in pain. His pain may be different, but it's there. I know it is. I've seen his tears. HE may not feel what I feel and I don't feel what he feels. Only he knows what really went on in the affair, but what I can start to know, or learn, is that no matter what happened he regrets it, he is hurting, he wants us to repair this and grow stronger. I want that too.

My counselor said, "You both want the same thing -- to fix this marriage -- that is your common ground."

And she is right.

So when I get upset that he made this move, I have to understand he did it as a reaction to hurt, to fear, to pain that I am not inflicting, necessarily, but that the situation is.

And by responding in anger, based on fear and hurt, it does hurt the situation. By basing every reaction on emotion, instead of logic, we stall ourselves in our individual and collective healing.

Her words about us both hurting and both letting our emotions rule completely (they have to rule a bit, because we are human after all) hit me right between the eyes today. While I was sitting in the session my phone started beeping, very quietly. I looked down and I had seven "love you"s in my text messages. I came home and his arms were around me. We held each other and later we had some very tender moments that for the first time since this all started felt real and hopeful and like a marriage should be.

I may put this in a separate post too because I really want BS and WS to realize.....as the process of healing continues...if the WS is really remorseful, then at some point we are all on a level playing field of hurt and emotional pain and a desire to heal.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a time for righteous anger.

Most WS avoid conflict....not surprised he talked to attorney....conflict scares him.

Not a bad idea to talk to an attorney for yourself.

Using a free consultation is not filing for D.

I also believe what we focus on is what happens.

God be with you both.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

topperoff22,

When I read your post I felt so angry...for you! Your H cheated, and he is upset that you are upset?

If I were you, I'd tell him that you are going to see a lawyer, because you want to know your rights, just in case his cheating is a deal-breaker for you. Tell him you don't know yet if it is a deal-breaker, only time will tell...and how he treats you during your healing will also tell.

He needs to protect himself? And he needs to protect you and your son? Those are conflicting ideas. His lawyer is going to tell him how to protect himself, keeping the minimum of the requirements of the law regarding protecting you and your son. Your lawyer is going to tell you how to protect you and your son, keeping the minimum of the law regarding your H.

I think he is trying to manipulate you and play with your head, because he can't handle the fallout from his own behavior. If you are like most BSes, you haven't even hit your "angry" yet. What is he going to do then?

Big hugs and support for you (((((topperoff22)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a bad idea to talk to an attorney for yourself.

I consulted one about two weeks into this because he kept threatening to "get the papers so I could sign them because that's what I wanted" even though I never said that. He has figured all along I will divorce him and it has taken him a long time to accept I might not actually want a divorce.

f I were you, I'd tell him that you are going to see a lawyer, because you want to know your rights, just in case his cheating is a deal-breaker for you. Tell him you don't know yet if it is a deal-breaker, only time will tell...and how he treats you during your healing will also tell.

That's what I told him when I went...great idea for sure. He has since canceled his appointment.

ALso, blakesteele is right....he hates conflict and so do I, but the divorce is still going to mean conflict, if not more, with our son involved.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 11

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