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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Totally erased
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why but I had a thought yesterday that when exWH moved out he took nothing that would ever even remotely remind him of me. Nothing. Not a picture, not a momento from fifteen years together, nothing. He took his wedding ring but I'm sure that was either tossed out or pawned long ago.

I have everything. I don't look at it and have all pictures from before the A buried in the guest room closet so it's not like he invades my space either. But, the option is there if the day comes that I ever get the itch to review and reflect on that part of my life.

It's like he did his best to completely erase me from his life. Completely. We don't see each other since the kid exchanges don't involve the need to see each other. I think it's been more than a year since we've been face to face.

I know this feeling of being treated as though I was worthless and didn't matter in the first place has bothered me the most. Not sure why this came to my mind yesterday, but it's one more reminder that I was just erased. Just like that.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2768 | Registered: Jan 2011
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may have been erased from his life - and that really sucks - but he's an arsehole. A big one.

When this starts to bother you, try to think of the lives you haven't been erased from: Your kids'. I don't want to belittle what you're feeling (because it's real and it hurts), but your kids matter, and you are still there loud and proud for them.

Eventually, he won't matter.

((suckstobeme))

[This message edited by pass at 9:04 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1840 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Suckstobeme)))

Also think of the lives that are enriched because he is gone.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2653 | Registered: Jan 2010
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. That has been the hardest part for me as well- trying to understand how they can just walk away and seemingly have no feeling anymore.

When wh was packing I would slip wedding pictures or old cards/letters he gave me into his boxes. Maybe it was childish, but I wanted him to come across them and have to be reminded of me and what he did, whether he wants to reminded or not.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember that feeling the first few times I realized STBX had totally eliminated me from his life. When I read that love letter to an OW, back when we were still totally married & together & I was clueless, in which he talked about the kids but failed to mention me. I wondered, gee whiz, is he thinking I'm dead? The kids spontaneously appeared out of thin air? Or the time when I saw that he'd taken all the pictures of the kids out of his wallet. Didn't carry them anymore. Dadgum, what kind of father does that? Or when I saw that he'd left the house w/o his wedding ring. I just didn't exist for him. So strange to not even be alive...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT. Before I moved out exWW was already putting paint samples on the master bedroom walls while I was still living there. And this was a custom paint job we did to the bedroom years ago and it was still perfect. IC said it was her attempt internally to try and erase me from her life. She also started remodeling the house immediately after I moved out. Not sure why because she spent thousands of dollars over the course of many years hiring interior decorators, etc. It was such a feeling of being "put out with the trash" you cannot imagine. I will never forgive her for that kind of emotional terrorism she was playing on me. Most of it I'm sure because I notified her AP's spouse of the affair. She can put all the colored bandaids over it as much as she wants, but underneath she can't run and hide from herself.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that way now. I would feel like he has no use for me anymore. I feel tossed to the curb like trash, right now.

[This message edited by FieldsOfLavender at 2:29 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out a few years ago that my XH actually denies he was ever married. We were together for 10 years, married for 6 and he pretends like that chapter of his life didn't happen.

There was a time when that would really have upset me. But now I think, whatever. If that's what he needs to tell himself so he can sleep at night then so be it.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, I'm the one who moved out, and the X kept all of the pictures and still has many of them displayed. That's just as weird. He even had our wedding portrait on the nightstand next to his bed the last time I was there (over a year ago now, so it may well be gone, but at that time it was a year & a half after the D) He even has the collage of photos that included me when I could still wear a bikini--I bet the OW loves looking at that!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20035 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my stbxww did the same ! and it kills! my kids would tell me "mommy packed all your stuff in garbage bags and threw it in the shed . I would leave old letters on her bed and beg her to read them ! writing this post I feel the pain again. Before she had me removed from my home that I built for her with my bare hands literally! she bought a brand new mattress for our bed and never let me sleep on it !how is that for a message? I will never ever forgive ! she erased me and now I need to do the same ! it was just so easy for her after 18 years ! she is an animal that is how I describe her . its disgusting and sad but true!i feel your pain and I am in this boat with you!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 631 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember that's what my XWH did as well? I moved out of the marital home, but as soon as he saw that the OW was dumb enough to pursue a future with him, he started erasing my presence posthaste. He repainted rooms that we chose the colors for, bought new furniture that he didn't need, and finally added that bathroom that he also didn't need because I was no longer there to make him feel financially irresponsible for doing so.

I found it hurtful at first, but now I see it for what it is-- not only does he not want to make waves with the Owife (and I'm sure that your XWH tiptoes around his OW-- if she's snapping at him in the grocery store, then there's NO way she'd be fine with items from his previous marriage at their house), but I also think it's about the guilt and shame that he doesn't want to live with. What better way to pretend that his major f-up never happened than by changing things in the house so it doesn't look like it did when I was there? Instead of dealing with the bad behavior, it's "erased" (which is just a form of rugsweeping).

I wish for the sake of my kids that XWH had gotten himself some counseling. Instead, he continues with his effed up ways, desperately spackling all of the holes in his life so that everything looks smooth and pretty. The biggest problem with their thinking is that they think they're just erasing us-- what they're really doing is avoiding themselves. If kids weren't involved, then I wouldn't give a hoot, but what pains me is that there are too many kids watching these types of behaviors who may very well resort to the same behaviors when they grow up.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3575 | Registered: Oct 2011
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBM,
I wish for the day when HE is earased from you. For all of us actually


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) I haven't seen my XH or talked to him since 2005. We also have two older children. I was left with the house all of the photos to deal with. When my XH moved it, he had to do it in a few weeks or OW wouldn't talk to him so he got out as quickly as possible. And only brought his clothes and personal stuff. So I understand this feeling.

What makes me sad is he has no photos of our kids. He has none of their childhood photos, how can someone live like that? He just left.

I remember him asking me to come see his apartment because it was "really cute" and he just went out and bought new towels and dishes. I said "you can't be serious, absolutely not." He told the kids he was disappointed in me because I wouldn't come see his new place.

It is very disturbing.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7469 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the process of our divorce I went through the pictures, gave my ex some. I kept a few from our wedding and some that were just of us in case the kids ever wanted them. The rest I gave to my ex. I didn't want them.

I figured he or the OW would throw them out. I also had ulterior motives. To show him what he was loosing. I was still delusional lol. The OW has a low self esteem, is very jealous of me, tries to be me. So I also did it as dig to her. I knew it would get to her.

One of the last times my kids seen their dad, he gave them all the pictures. All those years, I thought one of them would have thrown those pictures away. He still had them. Even the ones of just us.

A few years ago, I went to his house to pick the kids up. He still had things I had given to him as a gift. I thought for sure the whore would have thrown those type of things out. He had a guitar clock I had given him hanging on his wall lmao.

I thought a long time ago he had tried to erase our family and even our relationship.

They can hang on to this shit or they can toss it all out but what they can't erase is the memories of us and our families. They may try. They may also try to hide it but one day something is going to happen to bring up some memory of the family they left behind. It doesn't matter how hard you try. You can't erase the past.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4753 | Registered: Feb 2008
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I split everything up evenly back when I was delusional thinking he would be back and I would have stupidly let him come back too. Then I realised I deserved better

He then when unpacking with the OW setting up their home they threw everything out of 'ours' in front of our children. I couldn't believe it.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1324 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
FirstLoveGone
♀ Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow, this thread has totally resonated with me.

I often times feel like I never counted. XH has totally erased me from his life. It's like I never even existed.

He left and never looked back. He did not take one single thing that would have reminded him of us/me. But then again, why would he? He was already building a new life with OW well before Dday.


Posts: 1269 | Registered: Oct 2009
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can totally try and erase you from his life. But what he is really doing is denying his fate. A person can destroy, throw out, store away etc. material things. But you cant erase your memories. One day fate will catch up with his ass and take a big bite. Its all about healing, not dodging the past. And clearly he is dodging here. KWIM ?


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5615 | Registered: Nov 2007
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The biggest problem with their thinking is that they think they're just erasing us-- what they're really doing is avoiding themselves

Guess I never really thought about it as this way. Just a fucked up version of rug sweeping and has little to do with me. Somehow this makes me feel better in a way.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex did the exact.same.thing. And this was after 21 years! He was, poof, gone! And I was completely erased. I haven't seen him in over two years and we have two young children together. That hurts 1,000,000,000 times more than the cheating ever did.

What a cruel, selfish thing to do to another person.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
SurelyNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This totally resonates with me. My WS is coming by tomorrow (Canadian Thanksgiving) to move out his stuff. He isn't in touch with his children, and hasn't asked anything about them. I am a wreck, how can he be so cold-hearted. How come we just don't matter anymore, how is it that the ap and her son have replaced us?
He has no photos and has asked for none, he has tossed us aside like garbage. Who is this person, he used to care, where has that gone?
Good luck and sending strength to all of us in this horrible situation.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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