Quick background: still not divorced I have full physical custody and share legal custody with stbx. DD18 (legally adult but I still receive child support due to special needs) has had no contact with stbx since last year November. DD14 has had no contact with stbx since this past February. I have had no contact since early this year.
So ... am I obligated to inform stbx of any changes in medication for both children? If I do, how would I word it?
I don't know if this matters but changes in meds are due to mental health conditions.
I know you guys are going to probably say that I do but before you tell me ... I need to vent. Why the hell should I have to inform him of anything? When he lived here he didn't know the kids medications. He never went to doctor appointments. He never went to therapy appointments. He chose to be clueless so why is it my responsibility NOW to inform him? He will know more now that he is gone then when he was here. He walked out so I feel that is not my job anymore.
If I am obligated, please help me word it. Do I have to give details? Can I just state:
This is to inform you that on (date), DD17 started ___ and on (date) DS14 started (medication). Please keep in mind, I haven't emailed him in months!
Thank you for your help,
Why the hell should I have to inform him of anything?
The only reason is to protect yourself, because not informing him could in some way come back and bite you.
I would go with what you suggested. No details, just state the bare minimum facts.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
I think that if it comes from you, it invites contact and I TOTALLY get not wanting to bring that on. But legally I think he is "entitled" to the information and it would suck if he used lack of communication from you to hurt you legally.
If he gets the information from the doctor, he may not even open it, or feel obligated to pick it apart. And if he ever bitches about you "keeping stuff" from him, you have the paper trail of requesting he be kept in the loop.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.
This is a hard one. inconnu is correct that if could come back to bite you if he ever pushes the issue. And caregiver9000 has a good suggestion as to asking the Dr to send him something, especially if they are covered by his insurance.
It is a hard call.
I have had virtual NC with X for 3 years. He moved to a different country so I have not seen or talked to him since then (nor has he seen or talked to DD). He does send email occasionally. He left us 8 years ago, but DD did not have medical issues until recently. I have not informed X of any of DD's medical issues or any of the decisions I have made on her behalf or any meds she is on. He is not a part of her life. I have no worries that it will come back against me because he will not take any legal action against me. I know this for an absolute fact because he never got a L before, he does not live here, and he is beyond broke. I tell you this just so you know where I am coming from and you can weigh my advise against your own struggles with your X.
SO based on my own personal experience, I never inform X of anything medical related with DD. In fact, I inform him of nothing at all.
I would write what you said, no more.
So this is what's happening in my head:
I don't see the point in telling him but if I don't, he could use that against me but if I do, he could use that against me so I should do whatever will protect me yet at the same time, he could call the doctors himself since he pays for half of the medical bill but oh wait, HE DOESN'T pay for his half but that doesn't mean he is not entitled to know what meds his kids are taking since he helps pay for the meds but oh wait, HE DOESN'T pay for half of their medication, etc, etc, etc.
I'm going to be stubborn for 24 more hours and think about how I will inform him. I am not comfortable breaking NC so I may ask psychiatrist to write a doctors note simply stating the medications each child is on. Thank you so much for helping me in this matter!! dmari
If you don't inform him it could present you as a bitter and spiteful parent and when I've questioned things XPervert does, as you question yours, I got dinged by my very own lawyer, briefly. It got fixed, was a misunderstanding, but why have more of them if it can be helped?
Something that helps me to remember is that "kid stuff" isn't about me and I keep repeating that to myself.
I also remind myself that even as this type of person is, the father's still have rights. This took me ages to come to terms with.
I really do agree with the post that talks about the doctor's office being the one to inform him. I've asked DD's doctor's office to send copies to XPervert or makes some and I put them in his mail pile or they email them. In this way I'm covered and can move on to the next hurdle.
Sometimes the school wants things for DD because she has some special health things and they just put XPervert in the list like with the school nurse-then it's not a name that stands out or special treatment for him to think he's getting. And no time or expense for me.
Even if he hasn't been around for a long time, they are still his kids and it's in our BI (best interest) as the stayed spouse to just get this part over with.
Also, I like that at the end of the day I can tell myself I did everything I was responsible for and there isn't anything he can ding me with. It's a comfort that I learned.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Do what keeps you legally safe
IF he ever starts having visitation again, I would just hand him the book saying here's their med changes since you last saw them.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
I really want to do what keeps me legally safe but not through email. To me, that would be popping open a can of crazy pop. No thanks. I guess I have to do it the expensive way until the divorce is final. I had to get that nasty taste out of my mouth.
Thank you so much for responding!! It has been super helpful!
I have it all here for him.
Since he has not been in contact with the children for 4 months, I have not had the opportunity to give it to him.
I think you would be covered.Yes, you didn't share immediately, but he hasn't done jack to get the info or ask about the kids either.
ETA: I just realized that you said you were not divorced yet. In that case I would definitley let him know, just to cover yourself and not come off as bitter or whatever. Have the dr. send the info. or just send him a brief, 1 sentence email.
[This message edited by ruinedandbroken at 4:19 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]