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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: No More Love
My_Name_Is_Alice
♀ Member
Member # 34646
Helpless  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 7 years I was in love. Completely in love.

Now, I'm not. I'm just not.

And I just don't see myself ever really being in love again. Not really.

I care about my WH a great deal. But the reasons I'm still in this M have nothing at all to do with love.

I don't want to share custody of my son.
I don't want to take the financial hit from a D.
I don't want to be a single mom.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to go about the process of finding someone else.

I'm not happy in this M, but I won't be happy after a D either, so why bother.

After this horrible false R I've been in for 3 years, I'm just having a very difficult time accepting that this is all there is.

I don't really have a question, I'm just posting this because I get so tired of just talking to myself.


Me: BW (38)
Him: WH (37) (MyNameIsDoug)
Married in 2004, living together since 2003
1 son, 6 years old
DDay: ONS on 10/23/2010
Living in emotional hell, but soon to be free
Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're hurting.

You have to do what's right for you, IMO.

Do you and your husband get along well enough to remain married?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2074 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This make me so sad. I understand your reasons. It just makes me sad that you are going to waste the one life you are given in a loveless marriage.

(((My_Name_Is_Alice)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What makes you laugh out loud?
What makes you smile?
What activities put you in "the zone" ... you lose yourself and lose track of time?
What brings you joy?
What brings you peace?


I encourage you to work on those things that add value and authenticity to your life -- single OR married!

I'm not happy in this M, but I won't be happy after a D either, so why bother.

If it's depression, then treat the depression. But if it's ambivalence that has you swinging from one extreme to the other, then may I recommend the book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship” by Mira Kirshenbaum. There are a series of 36 questions to help you take a big picture look at your marriage; the focus is not on affairs, but there are questions about trust, intimacy, emotional connections.

A quote from her: "Staying ambivalent can cause tremendous damage. Being stuck can end up killing you emotionally if you stay when you should be getting out. And it can end up killing your relationship if you keep thinking about leaving when it could be fixed if you only put energy into it. You can end up being deprived of joy and freedom, of intimacy and hope."



"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
My_Name_Is_Alice
♀ Member
Member # 34646
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs, I really needed them.

To answer some of your questions:

@heartbroken0903

Do you and your husband get along well enough to remain married?

A few months ago, I landed in the psych ward for 3 days because I tried to kill myself. After that, I decided that I was just done caring about anything my WH did. I guess that's when I discovered what a real 180 is. We became something like roommates who are good friends and are raising a child together. We shared no more intimacy than that, and we stopped having sex for quite a while. At some point I decided that I missed sex, so sometimes I get drunk and have fun. Not long after I came back from the psych ward, my WH started going to IC, was diagnosed with ADHD, and started taking meds. He started doing some of the things I had asked for during our false R. He stopped all shenanigans with other women; he even rebuffed a woman who tried to get his attention at a dance. I've asked him why he's had this sudden change of heart, and he can't explain it. It's good that we're not fighting anymore, but I wonder how much of that is because I just don't care enough to fight anymore.

@ladies_first

If it's depression, then treat the depression.

I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and I'm on Effexor. None of that seems to be helping me figure things out. I'm still stuck in this place where I don't really see a good future for myself no matter what road I take.

I'm not depressed all the time, I do have fun. I plan a lot of activities with my son cause watching him learn and grow and enjoy life really makes me smile. I've also picked up crafting and amateur photography again which were things I used to enjoy a lot before the A but couldn't seem to concentrate on during false R. But when I know my WH and I are gonna be alone together, I get nervous cause I know he wants more intimacy than I'm interested in.

It's so strange. It feels like on the surface we have a life that looks very much like our life before the A. But we both know that underneath I just don't love him much anymore. It kind of ruins everything.


Me: BW (38)
Him: WH (37) (MyNameIsDoug)
Married in 2004, living together since 2003
1 son, 6 years old
DDay: ONS on 10/23/2010
Living in emotional hell, but soon to be free
Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ADDer here. Infidelity is common for ADD/ADHDers, and if the meds work and can be tolerated, they can do wonders.

His change of behavior could very well be due to the drugs, and if he uses the drugs properly, you could be M to a winner.

But if he's not, you're awful young to give up....

Just sayin'....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9732 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second the book too good to leave, too bad to stay. I just finished it last week. My reasons for staying were exactly what you stated. And then I read the book and for me it really comes down to, is there no possible way I can stay married to someone who cheated on me, regardless of how many changes he makes. The answer is I don't know. So maybe I'm not noticeable any further along in the process, but reading that book gave me peace with where I am because it put it all in perspective for me. I'm willing to try, to wait and see what happens. And I give myself permission to leave if all those changes aren't enough and it comes down to it was a deal breaker for me. Give yourself permission to wait and see.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Topic Posts: 7

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