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User Topic: To snoop or not to snoop. That is the question
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are more than 2.5 years from DDay and have mostly reconciled. He has been working hard, and the OW has never been heard from. But, there is a part of me that nags from time to time that he has not told me everything. So, now I have a means to find some things on his Facebook that I may not have seen before. But, doing this requires unblocking the OW. I am debating whether or not to tell him that I am going to do this. On one hand, I don't want to give him any opportunity to delete things. On the other hand, I want to do my part and communicate honestly with him. What do you think?


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you think he hasn't been honest about?


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that unblocking OW is giving her a window back into your life. I don't like that idea.

I'm still not 100% sure I've gotten the whole story from Crazz, but weighing that against crack-ass COW having ANY access to my family, I'd just as soon leave things be. I got ENOUGH information for me. I think.

Here's the other thing - I'm pretty FB savvy and I cannot fathom what unblocking the OW is going to give you access to. Certainly nothing historical - unblocking doesn't make conversations reappear or anything.

So let's take a step back. Is the urge to snoop coming from more than 2 year old doubts, or are there new flags? If there's nothing new, I wouldn't want to see you crack this pandora's box back open. Unblocking will send her a signal, and she will read it as "I'm interested in seeing what you're up to."

I say don't to it. Step away from the FB.

((((notquiteoverit)))


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Jrazz.

Fb is a minefield and no one needs to open that gate once it's closed.
But is something putting up a red flag for you today? Why after so long?
Or is today just a triggery kinda day?

I'm very cagey about FB... gives those women/men an opportunity to keep just trying to open that bloomin' gate a crack...grrr


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Pew - I'm not sure. I just keep getting this gut feeling that something doesn't add up.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. This is something I've been having a hard time with. I'm one of those that needs to have every minute detail. Just like so many of you, I was trickle-truthed and fed a lot of changing stories. So, now I've verified everything he's told me, but my gut is screaming that there is something else. It's been screaming for a long time, actually.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the ambient screaming gut, I really do.

Something that's really important for healing as a BS is re-learning the difference between insecurity and legitimate cause for concern.

Of COURSE we have been driven crazy in terms of what's real v. lies told to us, but there comes a point where we just have to hope that we've made the best judgement call possible and know that our feet are as firmly planted in the ground.

So really dig right now - is it screaming because you are conditioned by the TT, or is it screaming because of details that don't match, or current wayward behaviors presenting in your H?

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:30 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure. I just keep getting this gut feeling that something doesn't add up.

Red Flag! I would do anything and everything to check and either put my mind at ease or fight the monster at hand.

Keep us posted.


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JRazz - Part of it is the trickle-truth, but he has always been a lousy liar, and there are some aspects of his story that just don't click. And, there were a lot of "I don't remembers". No wayward behaviors anymore, he has done a complete 360 from what he was.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only got gut feelings...when there were reasons.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what I am afraid of SamanthaBaker.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is polygraph an option?


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure Jrazz. I'm very sceptical of polygraph results. Maybe something to think about though.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry....looking back the one thing I could always trust was my "gut feeling". I hope for you everything is OK, but remember you ALWAYS DESERVE THE TRUTH - 100% OF IT


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snoop. If you dont you will continue to wonder and that will drive you mad.

Trust your gut. If you feel something is wrong or missing there probably is.

As to taking the high road and playing by the rules. Your WH probably is NOT playing by the rules. And if you are playing by rules and the other is not then you are at a big disadvantage.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What exactly is it you think Facebook will provide answers to that he lied about? Depth of relationship? Sex or no sex? How much worse do you think it is? I would ask myself that and weigh it against the risk of unblocking. How will it change where you are in your relationship with him now?


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do it. Find what you need. block again.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5070 | Registered: Dec 2010
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. I'll let you know how this plays out.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must say my gut instinct has never been wrong. My WH says he is amazed at my instinct to find things.Can't trust him so trust yourself!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it was me I would get H and sit down at the computer together (no warning) and tell him that you feel uneasy and need to open up his FB to look around. Hopefully he'll be fine with it, you can do it together, and it will actually rebuild trust.
Also, I don't think PMs can be deleted on FB...at least, when I reactivated my H's account I found one message he "deleted" under the heading of "archived".
I hope this ends up being trust building for you rather than shattering.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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