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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feeling alone
Flourgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my first d day I told a few friends and family members. What I told them turned out to be nothing compared to the truth. Weeks later I told my best friends broad strokes about the affair. Since then my "friends" have barely spoken to me. They don't understand my choice to remain with WH. They don't even know how bad things really are. I can't tell anyone but my therapist and I hate therapy. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through and I'm doing it alone. WH let's me cry to him whenever and he feels terrible but I miss having real friends. I am so shocked by my own life. Will my friends ever be able to understand my choice?


BS me 38
WH him 39
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Smokehouse
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi flourgirl. It's easy for someone from the outside looking in to say leave him. I always told my WW it was a deal breaker if she cheated. She said the same to me. However, here I am trying to R just as you.

Terrible your WH made a choice for 10 days of whatever it was to him or her or both together. Nobody to talk to sucks. My DDays are very close to yours and I had a very good couple of friends to confide in. It helped so much, so has posting here.

Not sure if anybody in your family is more considerate than your "friends." They should have held you and been there to support you no matter what you choice is. That is a friend!

If you hate IC try a different one. You just may find one you click with and find tremendous help.

Your husband should be there to help pick up the pieces. You should rely on him if you can. If he is truly remorseful he will do the work. Hard to imagine needing the one that caused the pain, but it was that way for me. My WW lied for at least two months before coming clean. Now that she has, she is helping me build a new marriage and trust in her.

Maybe one of those friends will wake up. I wish you the best and it does get better. Time and a husband committed to R will help. Good luck!


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those who can understand will.

Some will not be able to.

People here will.

My truth, also much delayed, was pretty awful. My wife told me, over a year later, that she was afraid I'd snap somehow when I heard the truth and kill her, possibly kill myself, and leave our children parentless.

This wasn't even close to reality, but people have done that for less.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for you pain. I have had the same feelings.

First and foremost...reassess your IC, and if you hate it that much, perhaps its the IC. Look into a new one where you can feel safe to vent and talk openly. I totally dumped my first IC and found another that i just love. Dont be afraid to ditch them and move onto another. this is about you and your healing.

One of the hardest parts in the aftermath of the A is losing friends. I have lost many. Some by my choice...some by theirs. Either way it still hurts.

One thing i can say for sure is that unless you have been thru it, you can never, ever REALLY understand. Your friends have never been in this place, so they cant comprehend what is going on in your mind. They can only go off of what they THINK they would do. It is a rare find to have a friend that will truly support you and not judge. Some may come around, some may not.

That being said...you have your friends at SI. Please, when you feel alone and in despair, post here. We are all going thru what you are. We feel your pain, we know it...and we will support you on whatever choice you make, be it to stay or go. We are all here for you.

hugs to you.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
dontdeserveit
♀ Member
Member # 35789
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, we have all lost so much! This has changed me more than any other thing in my life.

I'm not even sure who does know about my husband's affair. I know I feel differently about myself when I am around some of the people that I know "know". I question my own self respect. I question my daughters' respect for me.

I, too, always thought and even said I would never ever stay with anyone who cheated on me. IT's altogether different when it happens to you!

It's approaching 2 years for me since DDay. I have never felt so alone. I rarely talk about the affair with ANYONE anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it.

I may appear to be happy sometimes, But all the joy is gone from my life. I fear I will never get it back.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: one of the southern states
Flourgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for posting. SI is a wonderful place to find understanding. I never thought I would be here. We discussed adultery often and always thought it would be a deal breaker. I just never thought I would still love someone who hurt me like this. I am still learning who I am really married to and that sucks.
Smokehouse I have no family I can talk to. They are done with WH and they don't even know anything yet. I am leaning heavily on WH and that seems like the strangest thing. For now he is all I have.

Sorrow it's not my IC that is the problem it's the rehashing. I feel worse when I leave than I did walking in. I have tried a couple and it has always made me uncomfortable. I am still going. I have a lot of things I need to work on about me.

Don't deserve it I have said the same thing about my daughters. They don't know and I don't ever want them to. My self esteem is gone. I worry about what they would think of me if they ever found out. I too worry about never feeling joy again. How can I be happy when I hate myself so much right now.


BS me 38
WH him 39
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate. MC/IC is very uncomfortable. I mean, hell, its NO fun having to talk about all this crap. its painful. its hard to face. It was very hard for me in the beginning too. But as i got more comfortable with my IC and established some trust, it got easier. I hope that you will find that same comfort as well.

I also had those same feelings. In the months after DDay i really struggled with my self esteem, self worth, my judgement, my ability to read people...just everything. This is a REALLY HARD hit...like mac truck to the face hard. It took me a long time to start to come to terms with the fact that what my WH did WAS NOT MY FAULT...just like it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. He had a million other choices to make....he made the choice that ripped me apart.

You can only control you...your actions, your feelings, your reactions. Focus on you. Focus on your needs, what you want/need from your WH, from your marriage. This is a long, long road. This wont be fixed in a day, in a month or in a year. But allow yourself the time to feel...to hurt...to grieve...to process.

hugs!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flourgirl
You are NEVER alone

I know how you feel. In situations like this we find out who are real friends are. Early on in this journey a trusted friend told me that one thing was for sure: "You will be stronger because of this experience" I found a poem shortly after and even today 14 months later it still helps to lift me up. I don't know if it will help you find strength but I post it for you. /Users/Gayle/Desktop/Em Claire - Poet - What Is It That You Were Given?.webarchive
Hugs


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops!
Em Claire - Poet - What Is It That You Were Givenfile:///Users/Gayle/Desktop/Em%20Claire%20-%20Poet%20-%20What%20Is%20It%20That%20You%20Were%20Given%3F.webarchive


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
trying1
♀ New Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. The last few months have been the most isolated months I have ever had. I have told no one. We have a very close extended family, and because we are trying to R, I made the choice to keep quiet. Meanwhile I feel like I am walking through hell alone.

I never imagined I would be here. You put it so well when you said you were "shocked by my own life". Hang in there, I wish I could tell you that it will all be ok, but just know that you aren't alone.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 50 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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