My husband's parents have been married for 30+ years. Their relationship leaves a lot to be desired. My FIL is very very lazy and disrespectful (IMHO) to my MIL. My MIL just puts up with it and continues on. Hes also had at least 1 affair that she knows about. Ive also found out that both his grandfathers cheated on their wives.
When I got married I wanted a marriage like my grandparents. They were married for 50+ years. My grandma passed suddenly from a stroke, my grandfather had to sign for them to turn off life support and held her hand while she passed on.He visited her grave every week until he became to ill to know where he even was. Hes buried with her now, just like in life he was always by her side. Its hard to deal with what my husband has done to me when I saw what true love and devotion was in my grandparents.
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
WHs parents, thats another story. His dad has spent most of Hs life in prison. He is currently in for life and didnt have much to do with H when he was a child. I have a strong feeling that had more to do with his mom that his dad. His mom actually told him after DS4 was born not to talk to his dads side of the family...I wonder why, maybe bc theyre so much more better people that most the people in his moms family. Hs dads family are very very nice, great people and offered several times to take care of H since his mom was terrible. H is a child of infidelity. His dad was married to Hs half sister while he was messing around with Hs single mom. She got pregnant and it was a secret to get together for the kids sake for the first 1.5yrs. Hs mother is a meth head, he was raised bounced between family members when his mother didnt want him for the time being, when she did have boyfriends they beat his mother and cheated on her. Hs mom allowed it and this is what he percieved as normal growing up. At one point he lived in a trailor by himself at the age of 5 while his mom and her BF lived in the shed behind the house in a methed out stupor. That is why H was held back in kindergarten bc he never was made to go to school. He had a terrible child hood and because of that I think his rearing has A LOT to do with his issues. He stll should not have cheated but his mother wasnt a very good example of what happens when you do. As long as she has her dope she didnt care and rugswept just to stay high. Hs first childhood memory is of him being very young watching cartoons in a nasty hotel while his parents had sex and there was a bag of cocaine and a bag of weed on the nightstand. Once his parents finishe dup they loaded him and the drugs into the car and left. Very sad.
He starts IC with a psychologist this Friday and I cant wait for him to realize that he isnt always right and all the things his W has told him are more than likely a little bit true. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out that when youre subjected to abnormalities that are percieved as normal growing up to tend to think theyre normal as an adult.
[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 5:31 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]
I actually think they have been a great example for most people who know them. My dad worked away from home all of my life, so they went long stretches apart. They didn't always get along. I don't think my father was always the easiest man to be married to. I know he could be jealous and he had strong ideas about the role of a woman in a marriage - that was early on, though. They worked through A LOT during their years together. Now, in their sixties and mostly retired, they love each and enjoy each other so much. My dad got over a lot of his stuff, and I think having daughters was really good for him. He supports my mom in every way. Cooks all the dinners and does all the laundry. He loves and adores her in a really special way.
The thing is, it wasn't always like that. So watching them taught me that relationships don't always have to be perfect to be worthwhile, and that is such an important message that I am grateful to them for giving me, my sister, and all of us who know them.
My WS's parents divorced when he was very young, and infidelity was just one of the reasons. There was other abuse, as well. His mother raised five kids by herself while his father started a new family in the next town over. He certainly didn't learn the same lessons about life, love and relationships that I did - not then, anyway.
I feel really blessed to have the family I do. We are very close, very loving, and only a little disfunctional. I'm lucky.
My parent's were married for 25 years until he passed away. They had their ups and downs, but worked through them and were generally happy. Mom had been married before Dad and he was killed in the WW2. She dated after Dad passed but never found another man she wanted to marry. She died 20 years after Dad.
My in-laws were married for almost 60 years. Both were alcoholic and they spent the last 30 years getting more and more hateful to each other. They were okay when I first met them, but my MIL had a hard time when the children left and tried to kill her self numerous times and the last time left her incapacitated for the last 30 years. FIL stayed and took care of her even though they were unhappy/hateful with each other. FIL felt mad at her for wrecking their retirement as he retired just 3 years after she was incapacitated and he never was able to have the retirement of his dreams. When she passed, he was 90 and couldn't travel and enjoy it. She was mad at him because of his being mad at her. She felt that she wasn't responsible for her condition as she never meant it to happen. Both became hateful to their children and grand children and that hurt my husband very much. His mom had told him she loved him, but his father had not and had never told him he approved of him or was proud of his accomplishments. WH had always been trying to please him. When they died within 6 months of each other is when WH started having his crisis.
[This message edited by purplebreeze at 7:41 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]
My parents divorced when I was 4. Dad cheated a lot and mom did it once, but that wasn't the main reason they split.
Mom married H#2 when I was 5. He is the antichrist - emotionally, physically and sexually abusive. They divorced when I was 14.
Dad married W#2 when I was 11. She made it clear she hated my brother and me and his refusal to stand up for his own kids was the reason we cut off contact with my dad for a long time. They divorced when I was 15.
Mom is currently married to H#3. I've never met him, but considering he didn't tell my mom that he is HIV positive before having unprotected sex with her repeatedly, I really don't like him. Plus he spends so much money that they're constantly broke.
[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 2:23 AM, October 14th (Monday)]
My parents were married for 21 years. No fighting, I grew up in a quiet household.
My parents were good to us.
My mother started having an affair with her sister's husband.
My parents divorced.
My mother is now living with her sister's husband.
They have been together for almost 15 years.
Did this play a role in why I attracted a cheater in my life?
[This message edited by Audrina at 10:24 AM, October 14th (Monday)]
Did this play a role in why I attracted a cheater in my life?
I think we're all wondering this....
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this spring. They are European immigrants and definitely had the "stick together" mentality. They never fought in our presence, nor were they very physically demonstrative with each other. Overall, great parents, however, I never learned to deal with conflict, just avoid it, bury any resentments. Hasn't worked out real well for me...
^^^^This. Exactly the same for me. Only difference is the date of 50th anniversary which just passed at end of September.
My dad was WS. I discovered the affair when I was 16 years old. I knew before my Mom did. It continued for several years. It was pure hell on earth living in that household. I suddenly found myself being the "mother" to my 14 year old sister. My Mom decided I should be her confidante as she tried to cope with my Dad's affair. My Dad also came to me when he needed to confide information about the OW/affair/wanting to divorce my mom. HORRIBLE. I would hope no one else ever puts their kids in that same position I was put into.
To say they rug-swept the entire thing is an understatement. They tried to pretend to my sister and I that everything was "fine" but would then come to ME for advice. I was a teenager. Dysfunctional to the core.
She say she loved him, I believe her. Death separated them physically but emotionally and spiritually they will be together forever. I know he loved her dearly too...
My husband looked at his family as being whole and 'normal'. They were an arranged marriage. He now suspects his dad may have cheated. He also was very damaged by the harsh criticism of his dad and the lack of positive affirmations (no hugging, telling him he was loved, etc). His family doesn't discuss issues, they just pretend they aren't there.