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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: your parent's marriage
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh brother my parents were both M'd at the time they met, I guess theirs was an exit A because they immediately left, D'd and moved-in and got M'd.

My mom went on to have 3 more A's


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2251 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents were M almost 55 years. They had violent verbal fights all through it. I hated it as a kid, but it was my 'normal'. I really hated the way my parents fought.

When we had a kid, we told them they couldn't fight while the 3 of us were around. Incredibly, they pretty much stopped fighting when we visited.

W's parent were also M until her mom died. Apparently they didn't raise their voices. One thing I liked about W2b was that we could disagree without attacking the other.

W & I don't fight. We just work out most of our disagreements with mutual respect. Of course, she may have a different view.

I'm 99+% certain my father cheated at least once, when he visited us on business when we lived overseas. That tore me up. (But the temptation was very strong. High-level people used to travel half way around the world just to enjoy the country's sex industry's workers.)

W thinks her dad cheated when he was on a business trip, but I have no idea of the validity of that.

Our son's ILs got married a week before or after we did and are still M. Strange coincidence. (They seem like great people, but I have no knowledge of their relationship.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:17 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8933 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No divorce BUT they should have!
Terrible marriage.
Father a mean asshole, mother put up with it...I have no idea why. I would have left his sorry ass.

Unfortunately, the mean asshole outlived her. She deserved to live at least 1 day free of the asshole.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 7:44 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1982 | Registered: Nov 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. Reading this makes me feel sad. So many of us from clearly dysfunctional families. No wonder.

My dad cheated on my mom wheb I was a toddler. She has made him payppretty much every day since. Next year will be 50 years for them. I think overall they are haooy. But my mom is definitely in control and doesn't hesitate to make my dad feel like he owes her everything everyday

My dad drinks in excess and I fear isnt as happy as he should be. He really has been a great spouse father and man for the greater part since he cheated.

My h's parents are the definition of dysfunction. Married because they had to, divorced as soon as the boys were out of the house. According to my MIL. whk I know exaggerates her H, my H's dad, hecheated he lied, he stole, all of which I have reservations, but the one thing I don't doubt is homosexual tendencies. He is more of a girl than I am.

So yah dysfunction runs amok.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what from what I read, it comes from broken families and fantastic families. I can only take away that I pray that my children aren't on a website asking this question 15 years from now.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

superduperwonderboy - I will join you in that prayer!


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, I love my parents. They are great role models. Married 40 years, do lots of awesome stuff together. They were always a team, always a united front. I've learned a ton about parenting from them. A ton. They bicker in that sitcom-funny sort of way. They aren't perfect, but they've soldiered on, with a great deal of happiness mixed in.

Mostly, this thread reminds me that we'll probably all scar our kids in some way, which is not to make light of the shitty childhoods. Just that sometimes it is "damned if you do, damned if you don't" - i.e. ensure your kids know how to deal with conflict...but also protect them from conflict lest it make things feel unstable. And a million other tough calls.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the BW. My parents have been happily married for 45 years. They taught me from a young age that being honest with yourself and with the people you love is the most crucial thing for happiness in life. In fact, I often got annoyed at their insistence on the complete truth and the two-by-fours they gave me when I was in denial.

But I internalized those values. I evaluate myself and my behavior constantly, and I know that lies corrupt any relationship.

fWH's parents are both alcoholics. They abused their children emotionally and physically. His mom became an OW when fWH was about 10 and eventually abandoned the family and married OM. (I didn't know this until after d-day.)

fWH learned that the way to handle problems was to lie, deny, and minimize. His mom was such a master of denial that she was able to leave her young children with an alcoholic child abuser and still claim to be a good mother.

She says that he wasn't an alcoholic until after she left, and that he never abused the kids. This despite the fact that both of them hit the kids for years before she left, and she knew about fWH's two suicide attempts due to the abuse.

fWH internalized all kinds of f@cked up values. Rationally, he had good morals, but when things got stressful and emotional, he went back to the lessons of childhood. Never admit anything negative, don't think about difficult things, ignore it and it'll go away, pretend it didn't happen etc.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents' wedding anniversary is today--they would have been married 58 years. They had their issues but not for one second was there any doubt they loved each other. Neither would have ever so much as looked at another partner. Even though my mom has been gone for almost 13 years my dad has never even thought about dating--I swear he thinks he would still be cheating on her. Both of my brothers are in solid marriages and I doubt infidelity would ever be an issue.

Ex's parents were married forever, they also had issues but still were #1 for each other--at least by the time I entered the family. It was iffy early-on, Ex's father was gone for extended amounts of time on business. Like for 2 and 3 years at a time so who knows. Ex had 2 brothers--all divorced, one was divorced twice. All cheaters and terrible husbands and fathers.

Interestingly enough, even though I knew from the beginning that my ex was a risk, because his parents were still married and seemed a lot like mine, I thought it would eventually work out. God, was I stupid or what???


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2057 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
SpiderGrl
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mother was never married to my bio-father. He split before I was born. I have met him several times, he is a douche. She married my step-dad when I was about 6. They D'd when I was about 13. I don't remember a hell of a lot about my family life. I do know that while I never once saw my mother do drugs, I could have rolled a joint by age 10. She moved me to another state at 14 and got together with a real peach of a guy, they were together less than 4 months when he cheated and we moved to another town in the same state. I visited my family for a couple months and came back to her and her new boyfriend and his 16 yr old son living in my house. I had never met them. Enter several years of dysfunction. I have no idea how I didn't end up knocked up, strung out or sexually assaulted due to a complete lack of supervision.

My wh was born to a 19 yr old mother that was married to his bio-dad for about 5 mins. Despite living within 45 mins of where his bio-dad is, he has never met him. He was essentially given to his grandparents in exchange for an $800 car. He was raised by them, as their son for 99% of his life. They were a fantastic couple. I have never known a man as wonderful as my FIL. They were married 54 years when he passed away and set off a chain reaction that blew apart the entire family and I truly believe caused my current situation because my wh had ZERO coping skills and completely shut me out as a confidant when previously we had been best friends.

I want above almost anything to be that happy old couple. I am struggling this week with my anger and the desire to punch someone in the face but I still want that fantasy and I am praying that it will not be a fantasy for us. Although, at this rate, I may be spending those happy years in a straight jacket.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
143ANF
♀ Member
Member # 22730
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents divorced. My mom had an A and then married her alcoholic illiterate AP. I was 12 at the time. Hated her for what she did for many years. We have a good relationship now. She would love the opportunity to be with my dad again but the A was a dealbreaker for him. Damn shame, he never stopped loving her.


I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Liberation day: May 20, 2010
R began: November 20, 2011
He blew it up: Feb 6, 2014


Posts: 1407 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida
Elpis
♀ Member
Member # 34118
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bubble burst.

Me. Amazing parents. Their love and dedication to each other reads like a fairy tale.

Him. (WH) Parental infidelity on behalf of both parents. His Mom, suicide attempts, alcoholic. His Dad. Closet homosexuality. Multiple affairs.

It gets worse.
My WH was sexually abused (Oral sex) at age 7 by his older Brother. His Sister and Mother knew. To this day, his Mother has never acknowledged the abuse. His Sister spoke to Mom at the time of abuse.

So...my Husbands affair(s) and his ability to engage in a wholesome, healthy relationship were darn well doomed in his adolescence. Had I know any of this, I would not have married.


Me, BS
Hubby, WS
DDay Fall 2011

Posts: 92 | Registered: Dec 2011
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents met on a blind date and have been married for 54 years with the typical Ups/downs. But still married. No cheating that I know of...definitely some dysfunction. My dad used work to "escape." I am certain my mother never thought he was successful enough. She was obsessed with a certain "status" even though she came from fairly humble, working class beginnings. She will never admit to this but I am sure she thought she was hot shit for going to college and marrying a doctor while her siblings never made it out of their small town, never went to college. I think my mom may be bi-polar or some flavor of personality disorder as her moods change on a dime and emotionally, she is disabled. Try to talk with her about what is going on with my marriage...and she changes the subject (to talk about herself...even though she had just gotten done complaining about people who only want to talk about her health problems and how no one ever calls her...well here I was calling her and trying to talk and she ignores me!) and doesn't even attempt to sound empathetic. She also favors my brothers over me (even my H sees this) and probably feels a lot of inadequacy as a parent because one of my brothers is Bi-Polar and has had a very difficult life as a result. However, the two of them have a very weird co dependent dynamic, same with her relationship with my dad. I have accepted the fact that we are never going to have a good relationship. As a parent myself, I know how hard it is but it just makes me even more sad because I think about how much I love my kids and try to communicate with them and I wonder why she was incapable. My mom is also big on keeping secrets (in a harmful way) such as the fact that she has a chronic disease but never told any of her kids this information and I figured it out on my own based on information my dad let slip and I did a search on it.

SAWH's family makes mine seem like Leave It to Beaver. Parents have lived separate lives for 30+ years but still married. Always working long hours in professional careers and leaving my H and his sibling alone at somewhat young ages unsupervised where my H got into trouble for various things and hung out with bad kids. I suspect (not sure but just a theory based on circumstances) that my MIL had an affair and that is what led to the fracture in the relationship as well as my H and his sibling seeing some thing they should not have seen (something violent...not sure to what extent of what the reason behind the violence was...H has been very limited in his willingness to expand on that). No one ever talks about anything in his family, no one addresses the obvious problems. Things like the refrigerator leaking and not working right and no one bothers to get it fixed or replaced (and they have the means to do so...they are just super passive and don't do anything until there is a crisis - does this sound familiar? Hmmm...marriage in trouble, have an affair, wife finds out about affair and then you start to care about the marriage.).


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've got something here. My parents are still married, but there were some tough times (fighting and crying) when I was a teenager and pre teen, and my dad hit 40. I don't know if there was infidelity. There was little physical affection toward each other or towards me.

My husband's parents had a miserable marriage from what we all hear. They divorced when we were in college, but she had been thinking about it for some time. He was emotionally unavailable and did not express affection physically or verbally. He yelled a lot. She is passive aggressive.

WHs brother is a recovery sex addict who lost his marriage to his acting out.


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Dec 2011
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was also 10 when my dad left for another woman, from his work. He had been cheating on my mom for years. I had to watch her suffer and then deal with his parade of girlfriends for years.

He was so so sad years later when my husband cheated on me. He offered to talk with my husband to talk some sense into him.

I had no role model for a good marriage but I still know how to be faithful and always try to make it better.

But my husband's parents were swingers so.... no role models there either!


Me (BS) 44, Him 47, kids 13 and 15
DD1 4/99 with an ex, before we got married
DD2 12/04 4mo EA/PA w/OW my age
OW also married w/kids
5 1/2 years of TT, lying, withholding
In R but it's been lame. I think I just stayed for the kids.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
babbs
♀ New Member
Member # 40368
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents split up for the first time when I was 13. They got back together and broke up every other year after that. To say my childhood was unstable is an understatement. There was violence and emotional abuse. The violence from my dad emotional from my mom on all of us. I ran out of there and married an abuser I could call my own at 18
Left him just after I turned 21. My dad denies ever cheating on my mom and she cheated back on him. Which I witnessed on a bus while traveling to CA. I married a sweet loving man and pissed it all down the toilet. What a surprise that I'd turn out to be a shitty cheating wife.

[This message edited by babbs at 1:41 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

these stories are so so sad...

three years ago I had a talk with my Dad, who left my Mom 30 years ago and married his AP. I didn't even have to spell it out, I just said we were having marital trouble. He answered - there's nothing out there that you don't already have at home..

wow.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3672 | Registered: Dec 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Happy  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parent's marriage is the best role model anyone could have. They have been married for 65 years this past September. They are as in love with each today as the day they married. Everyone says how adorable they are, and you can tell by the way they look at each other the love that is there.

My FWH's parents marriage is another story.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's see my mom is on her 4th marriage. Though he has stuck around and adopted me and my brother when we were kids. All if my mom's husbands have been abusive in some way. My mom is very self-centured, leans in being emotionally abusive, and has struggled with depression for years. I have heard rumblings that my Dad was sexually abusive to his daughters . He also told me he cheated on his ex wife.

WH's parents are a mess. They were abusive to each other. They cheated on each other. His dad married OW. His mom is emotionally a mess still and very bitter . She used to listen in on WH's dads call with OW. She would take notes then sit next to him and sob. He was maybe 6 or 7. Yes he has issues and I have issues.

We hope to have lots of conversations with our daughters about what not to do before they get married.


BS (33)
WS MisterP (36)
Together 13 1/2 Years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly making progress towards Reconciliation.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents have been happily married for 40 years and no affairs that I know of. I always wanted and had a marriage like theirs until recently. The last couple of years my mother has told me about some of her frustrations with my father always putting work and his parents ahead of her. After my wife and I have realized that I was doing some very similar things. These things were not really reasons for my affair but they were affecting the way I looked at and treated my wife.
My wife's parents have also always been married to each other roughly 35 years. My wife has always suspected that her father had an affair but doesn't know for sure. Last ten years or so her mother has had a mysterious illness that causes her to be dizzy all the time and she pretty much stays in the house all day and abuses prescription drugs to some degree. That said her father is pretty much the only one who has really stuck by her through this, though he has admitted to being frustrated at times.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 65 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 51
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