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User Topic: She listened to me.....vent
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband still says that his AP was someone whom he could talk to and she would listen to him. I get so mad every time he says this.

In his defense, he now realizes that she had her own agenda and was using what he told her about us to manipulate him, but I get so mad that he was dumb enough to fall for this.

One of his justifications for the affair was that we didn't communicate. I guess technically he's right because we both were conflict avoiders, but is it really not communicating when you discuss issues or don't discuss issues thinking that if you're not fighting then you're "getting along"? Or is it that in your FOO, you were never taught the proper skills necessary to properly communicate with your spouse. I know in my family, conflicts were avoided....and although I can't speak for WH and how he sees things, I can see in WH's family how they appear to handle conflicts by avoidance too. I believe that a lot of people in my generation and that of my parent's were raised in the belief that as long as there wasn't fighting, then life was good.

It really bothers me when WH says we didn't communicate because to me that means that we didn't care....that we didn't try to express ourselves. My thought is that we just didn't know how to effectively express ourselves - so we didn't know HOW to communicate. (And we're still struggling with that)

Each time WH says AP "listened to him", I ask him, how effectively were you communicating with her? All you told her were the bad things about us. Did you ever tell her of all the wonderful times we were having during false R or did you just tell her of the bad days/nights when the sadness of the A overwhelmed me? Of course he said just the bad times. We both know that she was lying to him too. What kind of communication was this? I don't know if he even realizes after all this time that what they "shared" was not friendship and they did NOT communicate either. There were just as many lies and lies of omission as he was giving me.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 274 | Registered: Aug 2011
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would imagine it's feels good to communicate with someone who thinks you are perfect and doesn't have the stress of a home life to consider. IMHO it's all magic mirror crap.

I read a book called Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. It had a section on communication and the non productive things we do (criticism, defensiveness....) which helped me.

Good luck.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
sohurtbyhim
♀ Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Seenow. I will look into that book. I want to learn all I can about my dysfunctional marriage and how to hopefully improve it.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 274 | Registered: Aug 2011
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he's still in denial (aka the fog which is a term I HATE). If he can't see the affair for what it REALLY was - how is he safe?


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Topic Posts: 4

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