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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it possible....
BrooklynGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40805
Stop  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to just be friends with the OP after the A has ended?

Maybe talking once in a while, but nothing else?

I definitely could not do this, but just wondering?


Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34749 | Registered: Sep 2007
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An A is a fake relationship. Any semblance of friendship afterwards would be a fake friendship.

My answer would be no.

ETA: Had to add - since you are still married, any type of friendship you maintained with the OP would be an extension of the affair, IMO. I know it was a rhetorical question, but I felt I should add that in there since you were asking, and you are still married.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 8:32 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope!!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. Not even a little bit.

You leaped over boundaries with another man. You can never undo that. There is no going back. You can''t un-cheat with him. The damage is done.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:46 PM, October 8th, 2013 (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5465 | Registered: Nov 2011
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about how disrespectful this is to your BH, continuing a friendship with a man you cheated on him with.

This is how it went for me. EA that lasted about 10 months...we were going to talk 'as friends' every once in awhile. Once a week turned into every day again after the first week. We thought we had this friendship thing down, and we weren't hurting anybody anymore because we weren't doing anything wrong. Right?

Another A, this time a PA. It ended and we'd talk every once in awhile. I had to call him on his birthday of course, we were friends! The next time he called me, we talked for a few minutes and then it started, 'I want to see you again. When can we meet?'

Just some perspective. You CANNOT be friends with a former AP.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34749 | Registered: Sep 2007
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK BG, look at it this way, If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if H had an A and then remained "just friends" with AP?


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not possible.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's just say, it's an extremely bad idea.

It's very disrespectful of the betrayed spouse. It recreates many of the dynamics of the affair. The person's presence in your life is a regular reminder and introduces doubt constantly. This person partnered with you in betraying your spouse, how do you think that might feel to him? I could go on, but need to leave for work.

Seriously, don't do it. Don't try. You need to permanently go 'no contact'.


Me: WH 43
Her: BW 39
Dday 7/11/13

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brooklyngirl: I can't remember - have you told your betrayed husband about your affair yet?


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My situation is similar to authentic. ...my A was a PA for only 3 months, but was an EA for an additional 8 months, though we told ourselves and each other we were just friends....we were just friends who spoke every single day, emailing and texting back and forth constantly. We were just friends who hid it from our BS cuz if they knew they would be angry. We weren't just friends....we simply used that title cuz it made us feel better about what we were doing.

Not only is it betraying your spouse, it is also betraying yourself and keeping you in an unhealthy situation where you will constantly try to justify your actions.

Once the A ends you need to cut the AP out of your life completely


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 545 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
BrooklynGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40805
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustDesserts,
No, I haven't told my H yet. I will tell him, but I don't know when.

I'm seeing a therapist once a week to help me get through this mess. I need to first work on getting myself together and then I feel I can tell him. There is no question that I am very afraid, but I need to do it when I feel it's the right time.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no question that I am very afraid, but I need to do it when I feel it's the right time.

BG....when is the right time to expose such tragic news? Waiting for the right time is only an excuse to not do the right thing.

Seldom is bringing news to someone that will most likely break their heart wide open an easy thing to do, but in order to fully heal and also better ourselves it's the only path to take.

Of course that is just my opinion because if I kept news like this from my H...I would be in constant fear of the truth coming out, which it will at some point.

I'm sorry you're struggling with so much, I think we all can identify with what you're going through.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192070 | Registered: May 2002
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustDesserts,
No, I haven't told my H yet. I will tell him, but I don't know when.

I'm seeing a therapist once a week to help me get through this mess. I need to first work on getting myself together and then I feel I can tell him. There is no question that I am very afraid, but I need to do it when I feel it's the right time.

I didn't recall seeing the part where you told your husband in any posts. Until you do that, you are your own worst enemy. "I need to do it when I feel it's the right time" is a sentence that punctuates your selfish self being selfish.

Let me put this gently, and IMHO:

1) The ONLY "right time" to tell your betrayed husband is right now. Convincing yourself otherwise is just your "affair fogged" selfish self continuing to be deceitful, selfish, and cruel.

2) Your therapist is an enabler, and not a friend of your marriage, if he/she doesn't suggest your betrayed spouse deserves to know RIGHT NOW. What, are you two going to run up a tab and burn through Kleenex while you ponder and pine away at what you will lose? You cheated on him for, if I recall, 13 years? That's 13 selfish years. How about you try Day One of unselfish?

I can't see how you can work on getting yourself together until you come clean.

You must be exhausted holding together this charade for so long. I'm exhausted just imagining myself in your shoes. Aren't you ready to come clean? When is your real you going to be given a chance? Every single day of continued lies just digs you that much deeper.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cs2384
♀ Member
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, absolutely not. Never. Don't try to justify it. It's not worth it.


WW--me 28
BH--32
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Feb 2012
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible??? NOPE

And a comment on this;

I'm seeing a therapist once a week to help me get through this mess. I need to first work on getting myself together and then I feel I can tell him. There is no question that I am very afraid, but I need to do it when I feel it's the right time.

There is no right time for your H to know the truth.

BG, you cannot straighten out a mess until you've been honest with all involved.

Your H is wondering around trying to figure out what's broken with his marriage and probably thinks it's something he's done.... Yet, you are withholding one of the most critical pieces of information about his marriage that he has a right to know....

It's tortuous to keep this secret to both you and your H.

You get to vote on what you're doing with this infidelity secret. Your H still has no voice on the matter, because he's being fed shit sandwiches rather than the truth.

Allow him the freedom to vote by letting him in on the secrets.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this so much.... It will no longer be "your" struggle when you finally share the truth.

Be well!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone answered with a resounding "NO". However, why are you "just wondering"?


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
Topic Posts: 19

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