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Wayward Side     Print Topic    
User Topic: What to do
ConfusedMan99
♀ New Member
Member # 40927
Stop  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by ConfusedMan99 at 10:12 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Bath
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome to SI, ConfusedMan99.

So do I try fix it now?

The main thing you should concentrate on right now is fixing yourself. No matter how many justifications you can come with, the fact is that you chose to have an affair versus working on your marriage. Work on finding out what made you think it was okay to break your commitments, and go outside of your marriage.

Even if I know it will most likely fail and I'll end up losing this other girl too. I'll have to completely cut her out to make an honest effort to fix it. That is going to really hurt her and I've hurt her quite a bit already.

It's going to hurt her even more to drag her further along into this mess. Do you really think you are a safe person to have a relationship with right now, as far as she is concerned? In all honesty, the answer that question really doesn't matter. You weren't a safe person from the beginning for her. Fact is, she is not good for you, either. She went into this knowing you are married. She has poor boundaries, too. You should really cut off all contact with her.

Can I get the loving feeling back for my wife knowing what's out there?

Did you ever have that loving feeling for your wife? How did you feel about her when you first met her?

Can she forgive me? Will it ever be good again?

Only time and hard work will tell, and even then, only if she is willing to.

So we've talked about you and your OP an awful lot... how is your wife doing through all of this? Do you realize how devastated she must be at this point?

You did really come to the right place. Others will be along with additional advice. Have you considered individual or marriage counseling?

One thread I'd recommend that you read within this forum is "Things that every WS needs to know". I'll bump it up for you.

Best of luck to you. We're here for you to work through this.


Posts: 6102 | Registered: Dec 2010
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI.

I am married and hey it's ok to think a girl is hot so long as you don't do anything.

I told her that I thought she was attractive and that if I wasn't married 'I'd be all over it'

That was "doing something." That statement was affair behavior even before anything else transpired.

At the risk of sounding cliche I am not 'in love with her' anymore.

It does sound cliche. To me, "in love" is a phrase used to describe the beginning passionate phase of a relationship. To me, "in love" is something that eventually fades as time goes on and you're not as completely wrapped up in each other as you once were. Being "in love" used to be all that was important to me. Now, 3.5 years out from the affair that ended my marriage, I see more value in loving my partner by way of my actions, rather than reaching for a warm, fuzzy, fleeting feeling.

Can I get the loving feeling back for my wife knowing what's out there?

Did you date others before you were married? If so, I assume you had a taste of "what's out there" at that time. Yet, you chose your wife over all others at that time. Say you end your marriage and continue a relationship with the other woman. What makes you think that, one day, you won't wonder "what's out there" once your relationship with her grows stale?

Can she forgive me? Will it ever be good again?

There is no clear answer to this question. Forgiveness depends on the individual, and "being good again" is relative.

ConfusedMan99, you have a young child and a new baby on the way. Do you really think you are being a good father with how you are treating their mother? Do you want to be a man of integrity or do you want to be a man who simply chases what feels good and to hell with everyone else?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about we start with you telling your betrayed wife about your Tokyo sex fest, boardroom banging, storeroom schtupping, and any other sex with your affair partner.

She still doesn't know your affair was sexual, or have I misread?


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
ConfusedMan99
♀ New Member
Member # 40927
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by ConfusedMan99 at 10:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Bath
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your betrayed wife has offered you the another chance under false pretenses - ie your continued lying.. Until you tell her the affair was physical, you are, sorry, firmly in the "I'm full of shit" category of "I really want to change but not really if it means I can't be selfish and continue lying".


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
ConfusedMan99
♀ New Member
Member # 40927
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by ConfusedMan99 at 10:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Bath
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^This!!! Be honest with her! After all you've put her through, don't you think she deserves the truth?


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^This!!! Be honest with her! After all you've put her through, don't you think she deserves the truth?

(Whoops, cross posted with ya, confused, this was referencing JD's post)


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
ConfusedMan99
♀ New Member
Member # 40927
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by ConfusedMan99 at 10:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Bath
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is that going to achieve?

What will it achieve? It will be a start to living a life of integrity and honesty. If you are not ready to be honest, what type of relationship do you think you can have?

You cannot even be honest here (since you deleted your original post) out of fear of being found out (yet you said you told a friend (why tell a friend?). is that how you want to lead your life? Afraid of being found out?

You have one foot out the door already.

I don't want to take it only for it to fail in 6 months time

Can I get the loving feeling back for my wife knowing what's out there?

It will make any divorce messy

...just a few examples

Why do you want to try to reconcile (R) ? I am not being snarky, I am honestly wondering why you are even considering it, because it sounds like you are not willing to do what is needed for a successful R.

Good luck.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 722 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Topic Posts: 11

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