Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Eye roll and big sigh
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Angry  Posted: 7:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, these two actions could send me through the roof. Such a little gesture but says so much.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's never a good thing.

What was she dismissing?


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its more of the "Oh here we go again", "Why aren't we over this yet?" type of eye roll.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in a mood to give advice like "Take a shit in her favorite pair of shoes as a demonstration of how common bodily functions can show major disrespect" but I think that's probably bad advice to actually put into effect.

Did you call her on it?


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said "Screw you!" to which she replied "Whatever!". Feel bad that I said that, probably not helpful.

Definitely called her on it. I told her I'm not putting up with that anymore.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XWH did that to me once when we were still in in-house separation hell. We started arguing, and when the A came up, he rolled his eyes at me like I was complaining about the toilet seat being left up.

He was definitely showing me who he was... sorry you had to endure it.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always leave the toilet seat up. Never got an eye roll once for it. Thing is she'd never tell me if it bothered her either.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I went to MC together. WH rolled his eyes and sighed out loud over and over. MC said he has no respect for me. Just his way of having to avoid the truth. I want to slap his face when he continually rolls his eyes as if I am making something out of nothing! Pompous ass.


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd love for MC to say that to my wife, maybe she'd listen. Haven't had much luck with MC so far. Trying #3 on Friday.

I'm pretty certain that she doesn't realize she does it until I tell her to knock it off. Have a feeling that those two gestures will be an issue for a long time. She called me insensitive when I said "Screw you!"

That didn't go over well either. I didn't handle the situation perfectly thats for sure, but I didn't handle it like I would have in the past either. Would have flown way off the handle. I feel like I'm owning my shit, don't think she's owning hers right now.

A work in progress.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty certain that she doesn't realize she does it until I tell her to knock it off. Have a feeling that those two gestures will be an issue for a long time. She called me insensitive when I said "Screw you!"

This is actually very important.

Set aside the angry for a sec if you can. I mean don't throw it away just give it a beer and tell it to chill over in front of the TV for a minute.

People very often are not aware of their own body language and how it communicates things to people as much as or even more than the words they are using.

When I spent some time trying to figure out tells my wife had when she lied I spent a lot of time watching her body language. I noticed a lot of things that she did that influenced the way the conversation went. Her body language had an effect on my own thought process that I was not aware of until I consciously followed what was going on.

She would lean forward and stare right into my eyes, or lean back and cross her arms and look away into the air; half turn, gesticulate with both hands a foot away from my face, etc. She was not completely aware of this while it was going on. There was a day when we sat down together and I explained what she was doing - as she was doing it. Obviously this pissed her off, and the conversation ended with me telling her she was acting like a bitch. I think that was the one time in this whole thing I called her a name.

Later she came back to tell me that pointing those things out to her while they were going on helped make her aware of what she was doing. During that convo I was as calm and uncritical as I could be, saying that "When you lean forward like that I feel like I have to back up a bit and you're adding confrontational behavior to this discussion." While she was pissed about it in the moment she was able to review the things I said, because I said them in as non-judgmental an observational way as I could.

She was honestly not completely aware of that stuff though, and also honestly and sincerely working to communicate better - so obviously results aren't gonna be the same all the time I guess. If your wife is really unaware of these things and is also honestly trying to communicate better, you could try to sit down and explain, calmly and rationally, what she is doing and why it bothers you.

If it doesn't work, at least you know you tried a constructive approach to this shit. If you wanted to.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She called me insensitive when I said "Screw you!"
and did you tell her that every.single.time she rolls her eyes at you, she is communicating 'screw you' to you?

I agree with SG about body language and people being unaware of their body language while its happening, EXCEPT for eye-rolling. I think it is virtually impossible to do the eye roll without being aware of it.

I think many people are unaware of their body language while they are talking at the same time. But an eye roll is done without talking. In fact, I don't think it is possible to eye roll and talk at the same time. Try it.

So, IMO, an eye roll is a huge sign of disrespect from an adult. (We'll give teenagers a pass on eye rolling since they are, well, teenagers lol).


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey as far as MC goes, make sure you read the post in general called "if only I had read this first: brilliant article". He really gets it.
Also, I had heard myself on my VAR once and was shocked at the sarcasm in my voice. I have since been trying to change it (key word trying) :)


Married 20 years

Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS68, wow, thank you!
That was the first time I saw that article and all I can say is wow. My first MC wasn't like what the article describes completely, but I think he saw fWW sitting there in tears and felt sorry for her. He rarely addressed questions to her, felt like he was always looking at me. He did at one point say that making fWW talk about the A amounted to abuse. In context I think he thought that was all we ever talked about which was about as far from truth as could be. Even so I asked the guy "Have you ever done this before?" and wasn't too many session after that one that I decided to change.

From the article, those first couple of session would be intense. Never really felt like I've had permission to be angry about it all.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem with my MC is he didn't tell me that the "eye rolling and sigh gestures" clearly means he has no respect for me IN FRONT of WH. He told me that when I went back alone. So--WH intimidated MC as well as everyone else. MC told me he regrets not having been more direct to WH while in the session together. I was also disappointed in MC lack of being direct to him. I needed some support in holding WH "feet to the fire". Still divorcing - WH shows no remorse. He doesn't respect me - so I'll just respect myself and leave him. Body language always gives you away.


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read the article by David Clark. Excellent! I really like what my MC has to say, but when my WH joined the session the MC backed off. He said he was worried WH would walk out -so! Speak the truth and let the weasel run. MC also was concerned that WH wouldn't come back - still need to speak the truth! Don't allow the wayward one to control the situation. I really like the saying: "Let's call a spade a spade!" No beating around the bush, no avoiding the truth and confrontation. Let's not "protect" the guilty because it might be the path of least resistance. Here's to honesty


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The eye roll, sighing or looks of disdain are contempt. They are very harmful to a relationship. My SAWH does these things and the reason I react in anger is that he does those things when I am sharing my feelings. It seems whenever my feelings are in any way negative, I get that response. So, I hear you.

We had another discussion about this last night and my responsibility is to point it out when he does it. I.e., when you show contempt for me at a time when I am vulnerable it hurts my feelings more and that makes me angry. Then if he continues I need to walk away. Tough to do in the moment but that is my part in handling the issue. So, that is my advice. Look up signs of contempt in a relationship and you will find info on it. Hopefully, you can find a decent MC that will help you two with this.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillGoing, sorry I had missed your reply. Doing this at work so I'm operating with a small browser window to stay inconspicuous.


If it doesn't work, at least you know you tried a constructive approach to this shit.

I know I have to handle it better. That is part of owning my shit and its a work in progress and still a challenge for me. I know that getting angry and acting angry is counter-productive. I don't get the introspection from my W that you seem to get either which is why I think it'll be an ongoing issue. Getting her to believe that it actually happens is difficult. I called her out on a big sigh and she blamed it on her having trouble breathing.

painpaingoaway - I think she can eye roll and not know it.

Missymomma - I hear you about walking away. I have a very, very, very hard time because just getting to the point where we are talking about the A is a struggle. I do agree that walking away at the point of anger is better than lashing out like I did.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Topic Posts: 17

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.