Topic: My bestfriend is cheating on her H
Member # 14445
| Posted: 8:48 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
First of all, I want to thank you all for taking the time to write out your thoughts and experiences...I know that most of you are BS's and it's hard to do that, and can cause you to trigger pretty badly. So BIG HUGS (((((from WAM and Mr. WAM)))))))
Anyway, I had him read the entire thread last night and he agrees that my BF's BS must know, but he thinks that we should give her the chance to tell him first so that he isn't ambushed like my DH was.
With that in mind, I called my friend last night. I told her that she needs to talk to her H either tonight or tomorrow...(or we would). She cried a lot and made a ton of excuses and told me that I was basically forcing her to end her marriage. I told her that she's always been a loyal and wonderful friend to me, but that I can't keep this secret, because I have been in the same type of situation, and you can't even begin to heal or R, until you're honest with your BS.
Long story short...no camping trip this weekend. Hopefully, my friend will tell her BS today and they'll spend the weekend trying to hash it out and decide where to go from there. I offered to keep her son for a few days so that they can really talk and focus on their M and making some very hard decisions.
Hopefully, she will bite the bullet and tell her H. My H is going to call OM and let him know that the camping trip,is off, and that the A is going to be coming out in the next few days...one way or the other.
Together 14years; Married 8
DD 4yrs old; DS 1 yr old
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones
Posts: 1733 | Registered: May 2007 | From: United States
Member # 13447
| Posted: 8:55 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
I know it's not easy and I'm glad that Mr. WAM looked beyond his own hurts to help his friend.
I know you say the OM is a friend but I would hesitate giving him a heads up. Odds are your wayward friend has already done that. You know that an active wayward is not usually ready to do the right thing.
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
Posts: 11216 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 37982
| Posted: 9:03 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
One more thing that hasn't been mentioned. The camping trip would have been a HUGE trigger for your BH, but even the new course is likely to present some serious challenges to him.
Be prepared for him to go through a serious relapse in his healing, and be ready to support him in whatever way you can.
Triggers can last a lifetime. I'm here now because of flashbacks to my W's A that was over 35 years ago. We have been successfully R'd for a long, long time. But when a couple couple of coworkers rubbed their A in my face, I took a hard ride on the A-Train. Right back on the roller coaster, thank God for SI and a loving W.
Watch out! This could be really hard for your BH, and he might not even know what hit him at first.
Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20
Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 28571
| Posted: 9:35 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
Since they are your friends, are you going to make sure she tells him the truth and isn't minimizing things? Giving her time to do it herself is good, but it also gives her time to plan damage control and have a teary goodbye with the OM.
"You have insulted my footwear."
Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Member # 39670
| Posted: 9:47 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
Wow. Just read all 4 pages. What a nightmare for ALL involved. TG the trip is cancelled. The thought of spending a weekend with OW while she was effing my husband? OMG, I could throw up breakfast just thinking about trying to come to terms with that.
You guys are doing the right thing, please be sure to update when you can. My heart really goes out to friend's BH...and Mr. WAM.
Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39652
| Posted: 11:12 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
All I can say is thank you... He deserves to know, and you're doing the right thing.
Me: Sad, but I will survive
True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.
Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 18819
| Posted: 12:31 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
To the WAMs...you are doing good. No matter the outcome you should feel good about doing what is morally and ethically right.
Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
Member # 24210
| Posted: 12:49 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
and told me that I was basically forcing her to end her marriage.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? "You" are the reason if their M ends? Talk about mega-fog and blameshifting.
I am sorry you are in this situation. Kudos to you and your H for taking the approach you did. It must be so hard for all.
You did the right thing. Make sure she has the link to SI for when she is ready.
Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
Posts: 2173 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 36697
| Posted: 12:59 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
Thank you for doing the right thing. Her husband is about to experience pain that he couldn't imagine before but at least it won't be compounded by a betrayal by you and your husband.
You did the right thing.
Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 38020
| Posted: 1:22 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
not to mention potentially destroying a marriage and a family
I'm going to go ahead and stop you right there. You and your H are not destroying anything if you tell the truth. If the couple decides to split, that is a decision they will be making based on HER actions, not yours.
If we tell her H, then we will be tearing down very old and close friendships...
Personally, there is no way I would be able to stay friends with someone and have this secret. I would feel way too guilty hanging out with them and knowing that my friend was lying to her H...and seeing her H. I don't know about you and your H...but for me, the friendship would be pretty much ruined anyway because we would never be able to do couples activities.
Further, if the BS finds out at any point in the future, you risk him being pissed (and rightly so) at you and your H for knowing and choosing not to tell him. Another possible factor that could very well lead to the friendship falling apart at some point down the road if you choose not to tell.
For me, I would rather tell and deal with the awkwardness of that, and at least be able to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing...instead of deciding not to tell, having that guilt weigh on me, and still having an awkward "friendship" full of lies and secrets.
I would sit down with your friend, tell her you love her but you cannot be an enabler. Give her a date, tell her that if she doesn't end the affair and tell her H by said date, then you and your H will be forced to tell him.
I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 27467
| Posted: 4:39 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm glad you two are dealing in this way with the situation. How stressful to be put in that position. It's heartening to read what appears to be teamwork and strength in working together. Those effect ripples of an affair can start off as destructive tidal waves. Here is always collateral damage.
I wish you both strength and understanding going forward.
BW-47, married 24 years, together 27
WH-49, has LTEA w/ExGF, 25 years (minor PA)
Final no contact 4-2010
2nd A- 10-1-11 through 11-3-11
D-day 11-3-11 through 11-6-11
PA- mainly kissing until the last night when they had sex.
R- so far so good
Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 14993
| Posted: 6:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm glad to see how well you and H are dealing with the situation.
Wanted to add, good to see you again
Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.
Posts: 17100 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Member # 30989
| Posted: 7:22 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
Good choice--nicely handled.
(And nice to see you, too. )
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke
Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 33867
| Posted: 7:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
I understand wanting to let her tell her BH but do you really believe that she will? Do you believe she will tell him the truth?
I would give her a few days and then ask her if she told her H. If she has not then you should tell him. If she says that she has I would still contact him to make sure and to offer support.
Seriously, I would not rely on her word.
ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 40144
| Posted: 8:52 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
I am so glad that you and Mr. WAM decided to give her a chance to fess up first. Better that it comes from her, IMO. But I agree that your H should follow up and offer support to BH. Then you will know that she DID tell her BH the truth. Her BH is going to need your support as he get t-boned with this. I think you can also be a friend to your BFF and try to help her de-fog and encourage her to help her BH through this. If she remains unremorseful and wants to stay with OM, it will get even more complicated than it is now.
Unfortunately, your friendships have already been irrevocably changed -- not by you or your H -- but by your BFF and the OM. They made decisions that put this whole thing in motion. There will be tremendous hurt and fallout from this. You know this, you've been through it.
It was really heartening to read that you and your BH are doing the right thing. While it is triggering him, I bet that in the end he will heal a little more by having dealt with this situation with the integrity and honesty that you want in your M and all your relationships. Glad you two are on a good path. Best of luck with all this. I will be thinking of you.... as will many SI'ers, I'm sure.
ETA: I would also be leery of talking to OM early... This gives BFF and OM a chance to sync stories. Encourage BFF to be HONEST. Tell her why this is important. Her BH has a right to the truth about his M and the right to make decisions based on the truth.
[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 8:55 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...
Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 11711
| Posted: 4:21 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013|
I'm glad the trip was called off...good chance only 2 of em would've walked back out.
Posts: 3430 | Registered: Aug 2006
Member # 36587
| Posted: 7:28 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013|
Hi what_a_mess. I've been thinking about this thread a bit and wondering how things turned out?
I've been feeling pretty sad for your friends BH and also wondering how you and your H are holding up too?
Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 2
| Posted: 8:22 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013|
I too have been thinking of you...I hope you're doing ok, I know it's a heavy load on you right now.
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Posts: 198232 | Registered: May 2002
|Topic Posts: 78|