I know you say the OM is a friend but I would hesitate giving him a heads up. Odds are your wayward friend has already done that. You know that an active wayward is not usually ready to do the right thing.
❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣
One more thing that hasn't been mentioned. The camping trip would have been a HUGE trigger for your BH, but even the new course is likely to present some serious challenges to him.
Be prepared for him to go through a serious relapse in his healing, and be ready to support him in whatever way you can.
Triggers can last a lifetime. I'm here now because of flashbacks to my W's A that was over 35 years ago. We have been successfully R'd for a long, long time. But when a couple couple of coworkers rubbed their A in my face, I took a hard ride on the A-Train. Right back on the roller coaster, thank God for SI and a loving W.
Watch out! This could be really hard for your BH, and he might not even know what hit him at first.
You guys are doing the right thing, please be sure to update when you can. My heart really goes out to friend's BH...and Mr. WAM.
and told me that I was basically forcing her to end her marriage.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? "You" are the reason if their M ends? Talk about mega-fog and blameshifting.
I am sorry you are in this situation. Kudos to you and your H for taking the approach you did. It must be so hard for all.
You did the right thing. Make sure she has the link to SI for when she is ready.
You did the right thing.
not to mention potentially destroying a marriage and a family
I'm going to go ahead and stop you right there. You and your H are not destroying anything if you tell the truth. If the couple decides to split, that is a decision they will be making based on HER actions, not yours.
If we tell her H, then we will be tearing down very old and close friendships...
Personally, there is no way I would be able to stay friends with someone and have this secret. I would feel way too guilty hanging out with them and knowing that my friend was lying to her H...and seeing her H. I don't know about you and your H...but for me, the friendship would be pretty much ruined anyway because we would never be able to do couples activities.
Further, if the BS finds out at any point in the future, you risk him being pissed (and rightly so) at you and your H for knowing and choosing not to tell him. Another possible factor that could very well lead to the friendship falling apart at some point down the road if you choose not to tell.
For me, I would rather tell and deal with the awkwardness of that, and at least be able to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing...instead of deciding not to tell, having that guilt weigh on me, and still having an awkward "friendship" full of lies and secrets.
I would sit down with your friend, tell her you love her but you cannot be an enabler. Give her a date, tell her that if she doesn't end the affair and tell her H by said date, then you and your H will be forced to tell him.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
I wish you both strength and understanding going forward.
(And nice to see you, too. )
I would give her a few days and then ask her if she told her H. If she has not then you should tell him. If she says that she has I would still contact him to make sure and to offer support.
Seriously, I would not rely on her word.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Unfortunately, your friendships have already been irrevocably changed -- not by you or your H -- but by your BFF and the OM. They made decisions that put this whole thing in motion. There will be tremendous hurt and fallout from this. You know this, you've been through it.
It was really heartening to read that you and your BH are doing the right thing. While it is triggering him, I bet that in the end he will heal a little more by having dealt with this situation with the integrity and honesty that you want in your M and all your relationships. Glad you two are on a good path. Best of luck with all this. I will be thinking of you.... as will many SI'ers, I'm sure.
ETA: I would also be leery of talking to OM early... This gives BFF and OM a chance to sync stories. Encourage BFF to be HONEST. Tell her why this is important. Her BH has a right to the truth about his M and the right to make decisions based on the truth.
[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 8:55 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
I too have been thinking of you...I hope you're doing ok, I know it's a heavy load on you right now.
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~