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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

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User Topic: My bestfriend is cheating on her H
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as you think you need to say something so that it won't eat at your H, or you, I think you have to do the right thing, in the right manner, for the right reason.

For whom is it most important to know this is going on in order for them to have the truth about their M, their H and their life?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
jackson
♂ Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look....it is really simple. The trip cannot happen. It will be a disaster for all involved. You should tell your friend that she needs to confess to her BH before your H tells him. If she doesn't like it...TS. I would think that your H would rather lose just one friend instead of two when the s..t hits the fan. At this stage in your M you do not need to be tainted by a WS. Real life is tough.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is this even an issue? You and your husband have had a "strict honesty policy." Right?

Who do you think that "honesty policy" is with? Just your husband?

You have an honest policy so that YOU WILL BECOME A BETTER PERSON. That means doing the right thing. Every day that you protect your friend she is fucking over her husband (who is also your friend). How long do you want to allow this to go on?

You're going to let your husband decide if he wants to simply confront the OM? What the heck does THAT do? The betrayed husband STILL doesn't know! How does HE find out?

Do the right thing. Tell him. Then cut your girlfriend, and her affair partner, out of your life. And do it soon.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
noprincess
♀ Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My take on this is a little different. Given that your friend knows your history, and she came to you for advice, I would accept that at face value. Deep inside her own heart and head she knows what your advice will be - she probably is looking for support and guidance from you. She knows you will tell her to end it, go NC and tell her H.

There are plenty of waywards who seek advice on ending their As on SI. We don't judge those folks and I don't think we should judge your friend.

I would accept this as a genuine reach for your counsel. That said, if she does not end the A, then, sadly your friendship must end.

I'm in agreement with the others who post a big *NO* to that hiking trip.


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My take on this is a little different. Given that your friend knows your history, and she came to you for advice,
I have to disagree with this because the OP's best friend also wanted to know what the OP's opinion is of the other man.
That doesn't sound very remorseful, or "help me get out" kind of speak.
If I'm wrong and she IS looking to get out of the affair, then I'd tell her to speak to her BH- and that if she fails to do so, you and your husband will have to.

You're in a tough spot, but the betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth. You mentioned that there's a young baby involved? Are you sure it is the betrayed husband's child?

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:29 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and I also think it should be a big "HELL no" on the camping trip.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give your "friend" 48 hours to confess to her H. She can sugarcoat it, TT, whatever she pleases. That is her business and her problem. But in 72 hours, you and your H plan to notify the BH if he does not contact you first to let you know that she has come clean. This has the advantage of shifting the responsibility back to your "friend", gives her fair notice of your intention, and probably scuttles the camping trip.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell. Tell her BH. Do this regardless of how your BH wishes he never knew because it is not his place to make that decision for your friends BH.

Lies and lies of omission are all about control. If you dont tell you are becoming a part of your friends conspiracy of control you will be (almost) as guilty as she is. Do you want that?

Your friends BH needs to know the truth about his own life. Without that truth he can not make good decisions. This affair affects his physical and mental health.

I liken a affair to giving your BS poison. He is sick but doesnt know it or he feels off but does not know why. The longer you hold off telling him the truth the more sick he will become.

Personally I would drop this OM from your list of friends. But that decision is yours not mine.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
what_a_mess
♀ Member
Member # 14445
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the thing. I can not tell him without my DH's approval. I just can not risk my M for hers. I agree with you all, that he needs to be told, but I won't break my H's trust to do it.
That being said, I'm pretty sure he's going to tell our friend. Once we get the kiddos to bed tonight I'm going to have him read this thread and all of your advice and perspectives.
I think it'll end up being a "You tell him or we will." Situation for my friend. I've suggested this site to her, but she's still in "the fog" and not really ready to face what she's done.
The thing is though, you're right. It's not about her. It's about her BS and his right to know what's going on. I learned a lot about myself, and marriage, and trust through this website, and I truly believe that she needs to come clean. However I need my H on board or he will feel like I'm doing something behind his back again and he's too triggery right now for me to do that to him. One thing that has really helped me in my M and my life was learning to put my BH first, above everyone else. To make HIM my priority. He's a really good man, and I'm pretty sure that he already knows what we have to do. But I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for reaching out and helping me to come to the right conclusion.
((((HUGS))))
WAM

[This message edited by what_a_mess at 5:59 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


FWS(Me)-33; FBS(Him)-32
D-Day 4/25/07
Together 14years; Married 8
DD 4yrs old; DS 1 yr old
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones

Posts: 1733 | Registered: May 2007 | From: United States
myownmaster
♂ New Member
Member # 35317
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonna be blunt here....if I found out that one of my best friends and his wife knew the whole time about the 5 years worth of affairs my gf was having and didn't tell me, I'd drop them like they were dead fish. Don't give a crap about what my friend (your husband in this case) went through previously. Don't give a crap that you "had" to take his lead. DEAD TO ME.

What friend would disrespect one of his best friends so much by letting him be played the fool for one more second? "I wish I was never told, so I had no choice but to let you go on camping trips and such with the guy fucking your wife. I'm sure he was laughing behind your back as was your wife, but again, I have my own wounds too. Are you not fine being the fool in our circle of friends? You still had fun on those camping trips, didn't ya?" I think I would slug him in the face.

My perspective. If you think I'm calling you or your husband out, I'm sorry, but honesty is honesty (you haven't decided yet, so I'm just saying my piece, not attacking you). Really, what kind of friend would not tell THEIR BEST FRIEND that his wife is fucking another dude (especially someone close to him)?

God, I hope my friends are better than that because even the idea boggles my mind.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Apr 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that has really helped me in my M and my life was learning to put my BH first, above everyone else. To make HIM my priority.
This is so awesome and what every WS needs to learn and live.

I do feel the BS needs to know, however, I agree that you need to make your husband's needs a priority.

eta: I wanted to add not only does the WS need to make their spouse the priority, the BS needs to make their spouse the priority, too.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:29 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9713 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd given anything if someone had told me about my wife's affair say, last July, instead of finding out on my own in Feb. The difference? We'd be 7 months further along in our healing. The OM would have only pleasured himself with my wife's body for 3 months instead of 10. It matters

This broke my heart. :( I'm thinking of you. As I am everyone in the original poster's thread. What a heartbreaking situation created by selfishness. I don't mean to be condemning by saying "selfishness" but I believe affairs are based on that. I hope it isn't out of line to say that. I don't say it with anger (as I may have in the past)

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 7:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonna be blunt here....if I found out that one of my best friends and his wife knew the whole time about the 5 years worth of affairs my gf was having and didn't tell me, I'd drop them like they were dead fish. Don't give a crap about what my friend (your husband in this case) went through previously. Don't give a crap that you "had" to take his lead. DEAD TO ME.

This, absolutely. I can't even imagine what I would do after such a complete and utter betrayal.

ETA: Not that I don't have sympathy for you both. This is the crappy position we're put in when people draw us into their lies. :(

[This message edited by carnelian at 7:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do it anonymously.

Honestly that's what I would do. It's interesting because you were a wayward

Ofcourse it's highly likely its going to be harder for you to make the decision than if you were a betrayed.

No need for you or your husband to invite so much more drama into your lives. Do it Anonymously!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. WAM-
I understand you believe you would have preferred to remain in the dark.

To make the choice for this man based on your preferences is to ally yourself with the WW and OM. It's to decide the BH's life without giving him the chance to make decisions based in knowledge.

If the A remains a secret, their emotions will deepen, perhaps at one point the WW will leave her BH, likely taking custody of their child. We see it happen over and over here. Courts are still not fair to fathers.

If the A ends, odds are because it has been found out. If the BH learns you and WAM knew, he will see you as conspiracists. He might even decide that WAM, as a FWW herself, encouraged the A in some way.

The best way to give him the gifts of knowledge, choice, friendship and support is to be proactive. Tell him, making clear that not only do you and WAM condemn the A, but you will provide whatever support you can.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So.. camping trip with the BH, OM and your BH who knows what's up.

If nobody comes back dead I will be fucking amazed.

eta:

If we tell her H, then we will be tearing down very old and close friendships...not to mention potentially destroying a marriage and a family (they have a 1yr old son).

Let me point out that YOU will not be the ones tearing down anything. SHE and the OM have already torn it down. It's up to her BH to decide if he wants to rebuild it. That he has no idea the foundation of his relationship has been decimated does not make it anything you guys did by bringing it to his attention if you choose to do so.

I'm sorry you guys are in that position. it has to suck.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:04 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7456 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is painful when a friend is the AP. I’d imagine when (not if) the A comes to light that betrayal would be magnified by the betrayal by those that knew someone was attempting to kill me and stood by and watched. Oh wait I don’t have to imagine – it sucks.

So.. camping trip with the BH, OM and your BH who knows what's up.
If nobody comes back dead I will be fucking amazed.

When I read the original post about the camping trip I started to hear banjo’s playing and thinking someone is not going to come back from that trip – just saying


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the OM would have to be a sociopath or in a state of deep denial about his own behavior to even want to go on a camping trip with the BH. Tell the BH - if for no other reason than to spare the poor guy having to spend quality time with the OM like that. He will come to look at that trip as a very dark time in his life. A time that he was played a fool. And if he ever finds out that your H went on the trip knowing that one of his camping buddies was screwing the other buddie's wife - that friendship is gone forever. Count on it.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
BryanP37
♂ New Member
Member # 39685
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For one thing this hiking trip cannot happen...Period. I can only imagine what would happen out there if this was exposed with all of that testosterone boiling over. Throw a little alcohol in the mix...DANGEROUS!

I was the last to know after my ex wife and her best friends husband hooked up for a 4 month PA. It had been found out 2 months earlier and supposedly broken up. The mindset was what I don't know won't hurt me. Instead, it went underground. When I found out, I confronted OM. He challenged and it was game on. He bore the brunt of what I learned in survival training in the USAF. Shameful on my part for escalating it like that. I'm lucky to not be in jail right now. This is what is at risk if you allow this man to stay in the dark.

This BH needs to know NOW! My marriage stood a chance of being saved if I had been included when this was first discovered. Give this poor guy a chance to make a rational decision. Every minute you sit on what you know robs this man of the opportunity to save himself. He will most definitely appreciate it when all is said and done.

[This message edited by BryanP37 at 8:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BS: Me-38
XWS: Her-34
Married 7 yrs, together 9 years-No kids
Ex had 4 month PA with her best friends husband. Other flings early in marriage confessed during discovery.
Divorce final 6-25-2013.
Carefully reconciling after divorce. 10/2013

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the OM would have to be a sociopath or in a state of deep denial about his own behavior to even want to go on a camping trip with the BH

Man that was my life and then some.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
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