For whom is it most important to know this is going on in order for them to have the truth about their M, their H and their life?
Who do you think that "honesty policy" is with? Just your husband?
You have an honest policy so that YOU WILL BECOME A BETTER PERSON. That means doing the right thing. Every day that you protect your friend she is fucking over her husband (who is also your friend). How long do you want to allow this to go on?
You're going to let your husband decide if he wants to simply confront the OM? What the heck does THAT do? The betrayed husband STILL doesn't know! How does HE find out?
Do the right thing. Tell him. Then cut your girlfriend, and her affair partner, out of your life. And do it soon.
There are plenty of waywards who seek advice on ending their As on SI. We don't judge those folks and I don't think we should judge your friend.
I would accept this as a genuine reach for your counsel. That said, if she does not end the A, then, sadly your friendship must end.
I'm in agreement with the others who post a big *NO* to that hiking trip.
My take on this is a little different. Given that your friend knows your history, and she came to you for advice,
You're in a tough spot, but the betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth. You mentioned that there's a young baby involved? Are you sure it is the betrayed husband's child?
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:29 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.
Lies and lies of omission are all about control. If you dont tell you are becoming a part of your friends conspiracy of control you will be (almost) as guilty as she is. Do you want that?
Your friends BH needs to know the truth about his own life. Without that truth he can not make good decisions. This affair affects his physical and mental health.
I liken a affair to giving your BS poison. He is sick but doesnt know it or he feels off but does not know why. The longer you hold off telling him the truth the more sick he will become.
Personally I would drop this OM from your list of friends. But that decision is yours not mine.
[This message edited by what_a_mess at 5:59 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
What friend would disrespect one of his best friends so much by letting him be played the fool for one more second? "I wish I was never told, so I had no choice but to let you go on camping trips and such with the guy fucking your wife. I'm sure he was laughing behind your back as was your wife, but again, I have my own wounds too. Are you not fine being the fool in our circle of friends? You still had fun on those camping trips, didn't ya?" I think I would slug him in the face.
My perspective. If you think I'm calling you or your husband out, I'm sorry, but honesty is honesty (you haven't decided yet, so I'm just saying my piece, not attacking you). Really, what kind of friend would not tell THEIR BEST FRIEND that his wife is fucking another dude (especially someone close to him)?
God, I hope my friends are better than that because even the idea boggles my mind.
One thing that has really helped me in my M and my life was learning to put my BH first, above everyone else. To make HIM my priority.
I do feel the BS needs to know, however, I agree that you need to make your husband's needs a priority.
eta: I wanted to add not only does the WS need to make their spouse the priority, the BS needs to make their spouse the priority, too.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:29 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I'd given anything if someone had told me about my wife's affair say, last July, instead of finding out on my own in Feb. The difference? We'd be 7 months further along in our healing. The OM would have only pleasured himself with my wife's body for 3 months instead of 10. It matters
[This message edited by topperoff22 at 7:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
Gonna be blunt here....if I found out that one of my best friends and his wife knew the whole time about the 5 years worth of affairs my gf was having and didn't tell me, I'd drop them like they were dead fish. Don't give a crap about what my friend (your husband in this case) went through previously. Don't give a crap that you "had" to take his lead. DEAD TO ME.
This, absolutely. I can't even imagine what I would do after such a complete and utter betrayal.
ETA: Not that I don't have sympathy for you both. This is the crappy position we're put in when people draw us into their lies. :(
[This message edited by carnelian at 7:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
Honestly that's what I would do. It's interesting because you were a wayward
Ofcourse it's highly likely its going to be harder for you to make the decision than if you were a betrayed.
No need for you or your husband to invite so much more drama into your lives. Do it Anonymously!
To make the choice for this man based on your preferences is to ally yourself with the WW and OM. It's to decide the BH's life without giving him the chance to make decisions based in knowledge.
If the A remains a secret, their emotions will deepen, perhaps at one point the WW will leave her BH, likely taking custody of their child. We see it happen over and over here. Courts are still not fair to fathers.
If the A ends, odds are because it has been found out. If the BH learns you and WAM knew, he will see you as conspiracists. He might even decide that WAM, as a FWW herself, encouraged the A in some way.
The best way to give him the gifts of knowledge, choice, friendship and support is to be proactive. Tell him, making clear that not only do you and WAM condemn the A, but you will provide whatever support you can.
If nobody comes back dead I will be fucking amazed.
If we tell her H, then we will be tearing down very old and close friendships...not to mention potentially destroying a marriage and a family (they have a 1yr old son).
Let me point out that YOU will not be the ones tearing down anything. SHE and the OM have already torn it down. It's up to her BH to decide if he wants to rebuild it. That he has no idea the foundation of his relationship has been decimated does not make it anything you guys did by bringing it to his attention if you choose to do so.
I'm sorry you guys are in that position. it has to suck.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:04 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
So.. camping trip with the BH, OM and your BH who knows what's up.
If nobody comes back dead I will be fucking amazed.
I was the last to know after my ex wife and her best friends husband hooked up for a 4 month PA. It had been found out 2 months earlier and supposedly broken up. The mindset was what I don't know won't hurt me. Instead, it went underground. When I found out, I confronted OM. He challenged and it was game on. He bore the brunt of what I learned in survival training in the USAF. Shameful on my part for escalating it like that. I'm lucky to not be in jail right now. This is what is at risk if you allow this man to stay in the dark.
This BH needs to know NOW! My marriage stood a chance of being saved if I had been included when this was first discovered. Give this poor guy a chance to make a rational decision. Every minute you sit on what you know robs this man of the opportunity to save himself. He will most definitely appreciate it when all is said and done.
[This message edited by BryanP37 at 8:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
I think the OM would have to be a sociopath or in a state of deep denial about his own behavior to even want to go on a camping trip with the BH
Man that was my life and then some.